Forum Index
»
Off-Topic
Help me understand my husband - - going back to work for no reason other than jealousy?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I feel for you and your husband.
It can be incredibly stressful to feel that you are the sole breadwinner, especially in these tough economic times. It can be really hard to stay home and feel like you have less say in financial decisions, feel like you are a verbal punching bag. No advice except to sit together and talk about it. |
Anonymous
|
OP here: my job after taxes and childcare netted me $511 per week. We paid the NANNY $550. And this was an $85K job that was very stressful, hair on fire, client management, 25% travel. So, if I went back to work with three kids and a DH who's on standby for 24 hour notice travel anywhere in the world - - it would not be back to that job or one like it.
So that leaves a low-key non-traveling job. Pretty much hard to find in sales and/or client management, at least in my line of work (financial consulting). I figure I'll be lucky to find a job paying $50K. So, we're possibly losing money with my income gobbled up by taxes and childcare. He's always been hard to live with, always an angry person who complains a lot, expects others to do things his way, road rage, yeller kind of person. There's a post in Parenting about Should I get a Divorce. Her husband sounds a lot like mine, almost to a tee. We've talked about divorce, and frankly, I think he's getting advice from an attorney or divorced buddies to make sure I'm working before he files, to reduce his child support. Why else would he suddenly start prodding me to go back to work, and how does that make his job better? (Just now, he sent me an email asking if I've talked to my colleagues about getting back on with my company... sheesh. Um, no, because they're probably getting laid off?!?) Am I paranoid, or is a pending divorce the most likely reason he's pushing this? I know it's asking to read between the lines, but he keeps alluding to a cryptic "solution next year" when he gets back from this trip overseas... |
Anonymous
|
Wow! It sounds like you are in a very messed up situation.
You should seek legal counsel. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I am wondering how much money you can make vs. how much he makes? Is it pretty much equal?
Maybe you could offer to switch roles! You work and HE stays home. I bet his attitude about what a cake walk it is to stay home with kids will change. Make a list of all the things he wants done perfectly from you, the SAHM. Then get a job and give him back the list! Even if he continues to work, and child care eats up ALL of your paycheck, then at least you are EQUAL because 1) you both work 2) you both contribute economically to the house hold including child care and therefore 3) he needs to participate in the at-home portion of child care/house keeping/cooking etc. and get off your back. Sounds like there is an underlying problem with your husband. But if he refuses to acknowledge the VALUE you are bringing by staying home, then don't. UNLESS you are considering divorce then do NOT go back to work. And yes I can put myself in the guys shoes...been there and done that. Nonetheless I am so sick of men being big babies. Nobody made him have kids and nobody forced him to agree to her staying home. He made his bed and now he wants to make her suffer for it. Not helping my man hating-ness today. |
Anonymous
| OP, after reading your latest post, please get a lawyer. Start copying your tax docs, bank statements, etc. Sounds like he is setting you up. |
Anonymous
|
Also OP, have you considered that with him getting home late and all that long travel, he might be having an affair? Can you check cell phone records, credit card charges, check computer cookies for secret email addresses. Hidden GPS device in his car? Perhaps hire an investigator?
If he is having an affair you have your answer. Sounds like he is intentionally finding fault with you so he can justify the divorce. And that's why he wants you to go back to work. |
Anonymous
That is really good advice about copying the bank docs, etc. |
Anonymous
I did consult with two attorneys about a year ago, before I quit my job. One said no way would a judge let me continue to stay home, and to get a job before I got into a financial bind. The other said I might get support for two years while I went for a specialty degree (career change to a medical support role, no travel, leave the job at the door, pays pretty well even part time). She also gave me estimates of my child support at various income levels ($85, $50, and $0). I would have to get a job - - at $0 income, I wouldn't get enough support to make ends meet. I have conflicting opinions about purposely not seeking employment. On one hand, yes my support would be higher. But then he is the type to seek a modification asap every time the circumstances allow it. On the other hand, if I had a well paying job (still not pulling down near what he's making) I would have more confidence in my ability to take care of myself and my kids, and have new friends and/or support/ validation from outsiders. It would be an ugly divorce, no doubt... I wonder if he's trying to finagle something related to his pension or the marriage reaching some kind of milestone in the judicial system giving me access to half of something else... we've been married almost 8 years? |
Anonymous
|
See if you can stay married for ten. You are entitled to collect on his social security if you do.
Not that there will be SS when we retire 
I'm no attorney, but I think you should walk into court as the primary care giver. You can get a job later, because the judge orders you to. Nothing but a court order could have torn you away from full time parenting, wink wink. I read a book, I think it's "what every woman needs to know about divorce". One thing women need to remember is that the courts will penalize mothers for the same behaviors it ignores - or rewards - in men. The logic is like this" if your husband has a stressful job with long hours but wants the kids, aww, isn't that a sign of being a great dad. A mom with long hours? How does that demonstrate that you are putting your kids first? I don't recall if you posted how old your youngest is, but perhaps you could either hold on or stay home just until kindergarten? |
Anonymous
| I really wonder why people in marriages like this have 3 children. |
Anonymous
| OP, I do not condone hour husband's behaviour but I do understand it because I feel the same way. I recognise how unfair it is to feel this way but I cannot help it. I have never liked my job although it pays very well (200k +) and I have always had this dream of quitting my job someday in the near future and doing something I really enjoy as well as having more time at home with our son. I felt like I had a two year window to get all this going when BAM! My husband lost his job. He quickly started his own business that he loves and was suddenly living my dream. While I am happy for him as I can see how revitalized he now is both with work and the time he spends with our son, I am quite resentful. I feel like I am now more trapped than ever in a job I hate as he does not think I can quit now partly because of medical insurance but also because his business is just starting off and, while it is doing very well now, he does not know if he can sustain his beginners luck going forward. He thinks we should keep my income which is guaranteed while his earnings are not. I have never liked my job and now the future seems very bleak. My husband has said that he has no intention of ever going back into an employer/employee relationship and is constantly reminding me that if I quit we will never be able to get as good a coverage as we do now for medical insurance and we would always be one illness away from bankruptcy ( he always uses our son in this scenario). I hate that I have to be the one to carry this burden especially as he has always known how I feel about my job. I sometimes feel like he does not really care how miserable I am as long as we are financially secure. I know it is no fairer than if my husband had to do it but I still feel resentful. |
Anonymous
| There are so many things about this thread that make me very, very sad. I wish I had a suggestion, but I don't. |
Anonymous
|
Maybe you can move closer to work, but don't sell the home
Rent one closer to work rent out yours... |
Anonymous
|
Sounds like you are both feeling against a wall. Any chance you can get a doctor to prescribe Wellbutrin for him? It doesn't have to come from a psychiatrist - any MD should be able to write a script. Lowering the overall stress level might help him to better think of a more productive way out of his hopelessness (job he hates, life he's not happy with and it's all your fault for being a happier person).
He doesn't sound bipolar - you don't mention any happy feelings there at all - just plain old depressed... |
Anonymous
|
I take Wellbutrin, and he mocks me for it, calling it my "crazy pill". Probably no chance he will take a drug that only "crazies" need. I need it to survive in this marriage.
He can show a happy side, but can only sustain it for 2 hours max. And it's always with the kids, not me. |