why do parents make things forbidden fruit?
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Anonymous
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seems like you are just picking a fight with your kids examples:
-not letting your 13 year old wear makeup -not letting 15 year old go to a party where there will be boys My SIL does stuff like this, and it seems like this makes things more "forbidden fruit". Why not just embrace things? |
Anonymous
| MYOB. Live and let live! |
Anonymous
| Because some parents have actual limits. |
Anonymous
| I get what you are saying but sometimes a defined boundary is needed. This is especially true with certain personalities or certain stages of development. You NEVER know what its like to parent someone elses child. |
Anonymous
| You could say this about any limit. |
Anonymous
+1 OP, where would you draw the line for forbidden fruit? Wine, beer, hard alcohol, pot, R rated movies, x rated movies, sex at 17, 16, 15, 13? MYOB. Parent your own kids. |
Anonymous
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LOL...um, because we have certain rules and restrictions for our kids based on our beliefs and values? Personally, I like having a certain age for specific things so kids (1) have something to look forward to in the future, and (2) aren't exposed to adult things too early.
My kids are nearly all grown, except for one HS sophomore, and they're awesome--it wasn't "picking fights" but rather expectations that we put in place from a very early age. |
maril332
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I understand that there are some "natural" lines drawn. For example "it is illegal for you to drink under 21". I am talking more along the lines of arbitrary things that parents decide. "You can't go out on a date until you are 16", kinda just asking for your kid to sneak around. |
Anonymous
| To PP, nope, my kids never sneaked around. They actually *gasp* followed our rules, and we were generally flexible overall. |
Anonymous
I'm pretty sure everyone gets your intent. The problem is that the arbitrary lines that parents draw usually aren't arbitrary to the parent. Every child and parent is unique. And the parents are usually establishing the lines for the sake of the child, the sake of the parent or the sake of the famy. |
Anonymous
Good point. |
Anonymous
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To all the PP's who insist on being smug and self-righteous the OP wasn't suggesting that parents should provide alcohol to the teenagers to enjoy their sex-filled party in the basement...please get over yourselves.
And OP is right - when you set arbitrary rules that are outside of what the others in their social set are doing without a healthy and logical discussion of the reasons and understanding then you are creating "forbidden fruit". I hate to break it to the smug set who says their kids are following the rules because they set them - they are most likely not and are hiding it from you. Trust me - my 17 yr old DD and I have a very open and honest relationship and she tells me virtually everything that happens (probably not all, but most of it and usually on her own because she needs to "process" stuff and knows I will not freak out). The kids whose parents are strict and insist that their child would never do anything wrong or off limits are most often the ones right in their doing exactly what their parents have denied. I can easily give you 5-10 examples from last year alone. Bottom line - talk to your kids, set limits (of course!), but also understand that they are teenagers and will screw up, be exposed to things and need guidance. Don't make the relationship so burdensome with shame and guilt that they won't come to you when they need you. |
Anonymous
HAHAHA..your kids followed your rules because you were flexible about your "rules". Sadly, waiting to hear about whatever daycare center your DS will be spraying with AK-47 clips..."Aidan Bleefner was a quiet sort of kid-no one can remember him do anything other than lighting coffee can filled with gunpowder on fire in the woods behind his family's 8 bedroom house in the Utopia Park neighborhood. His parents were really flexible about rules and when any one tried to suggest there might a problem with their son's behavior, the parents would scream: Fuck You, We're Being Flexible." |
Anonymous
Oh FFS...I was waiting for that response.  Yeah, my kids are grown now, just as open with us as they always were, and I knew where they were & what they were doing during their teen years. They were extremely busy with school, sports, and extracurriculars, and then we had dinner as a family and the kids did HW until bedtime. On the weekends, they had some friends over, or we did things as a family. It's impossible for some people to believe that you can set boundaries and kids/teens will actually abide by them.
I think the attitude quoted above is why some parents throw up their hands and figure, "Why bother?" My three siblings and I all followed our household rules, too (and we were raised atheist, as my own kids were, so there was no higher power threat or anything like that). I respected my parents then and now and didn't believe it was kind or just to push the envelope. I'm sure there are some personalities who wouldn't do well in that setting, but there are people like myself, my sibs, and our respective kids who love structure and a rules-driven framework. For the most part, we call ourselves geeks. 
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Anonymous
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Some of us actually believe that a 13 year old is still a child and has no business wearing make up. Thus, this isn't arbitrary "forbidden fruit." It's a logical demarcation based on the fact that a 13 year old isn't ready for the responsibilities that come with the sexuality of womanhood.
Similarly, I went to parties with boys as a 15 year old, and was shocked when they pressed their erections against me dancing, tried to feel my breasts, etc. Some 15 year olds are ready. Many are not. It's up to the parents to decide when they are. It's not arbitrary "forbidden fruit." Are you even a parent? You sound like a teenager. |