Eye-opening new study on the harms of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced her husband who was extremely controlling over the whole family and especially abusive towards their oldest daughter.

I cannot for the life of me imagine that daughter wishing her parents had stayed together. She is an older teen now and the trauma has led to her developing debilitating mental illnesses. She may not graduate from high school.

I’m not sure anyone who had known this family casually would be able to see that there were serious problems going on. From the outside, the family looked normal and successful. Posters like OP and the smug ones here might see it as a “frivolous” divorce.
A lot of you do not know as much as you think you know.

I got divorced after repressing my sexuality for decades. When I was young I wanted the family and the white picket fence. I married a man and really, truly believed it would be OK. It turns out that repressing my sexuality was not sustainable and divorce was the only reasonable solution.

People like to cherry pick the divorces they see as frivolous and pretend that is representative of most divorces. It is not. ]

Choosing to repress your sexuality is your choice. Sure there may be reasons but then you dragged your ex husband and children into this charade. You actively created this situation. Don’t act like this didn’t deeply impact everyone involved. You’re not the victim here.

Um, no.
There is a difference between making an active choice to hide one’s sexuality from others, and repressing/dismissing one’s own thoughts as bad or unimportant and not even allowing yourself to have them. I wasn’t brought up to believe that what you wanted and how you felt was important or should or could be explored. That’s really nice if you were brought up in an environment where you were free to be yourself. Please know that it is not that way for everyone.

I don’t hate men and I did love my husband when we got married. If I’m being honest, the marriage might have survived if my husband had been a different sort of man. It’s not that I felt compelled to leave for sexual reasons. There were other issues that tipped the balance.

I really hope you find some peace. Anger isn’t good for your health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until the parents are old. I have so many friends who have to deal with their aging parents AND their step parents. Sometimes they have to battle with the step parent’s children, sometimes the step parent’s children have written them off so guess who gets stuck holding the bag on that? Even after the parent dies, if the step parent remains, often the child or wife is the child because it’s always women who get stuck with this stuff is stuck managing end of life care and support for a step parent.

Piling on here, both as a divorcee and child of divorced parents, that my step mom has been one of the best things that happened to my dad and my family.
We love her, and really enjoy getting to know her and her grown children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares about the kids? Parents happiness and fulfillment comes first.

Yep, if the parents aren’t happy the kids won’t be so if you’re in an unhappy marriage, Wake up and Get out.

Sure, make it your kid’s fault that you made a bad choice for a spouse. Or your spouse made a bad choice.

You missed the point completely. You’re doing more harm to your kid by staying in a horrible relationship in front of them.

No, divorce is clearly bad for kids. You’re harming your kids by breaking up a marriage instead of fixing it. The data on unexpected parent deaths confirms that divorce is a bad sign.

You are just simply clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until the parents are old. I have so many friends who have to deal with their aging parents AND their step parents. Sometimes they have to battle with the step parent’s children, sometimes the step parent’s children have written them off so guess who gets stuck holding the bag on that? Even after the parent dies, if the step parent remains, often the child or wife is the child because it’s always women who get stuck with this stuff is stuck managing end of life care and support for a step parent.

Piling on here, both as a divorcee and child of divorced parents, that my step mom has been one of the best things that happened to my dad and my family.
We love her, and really enjoy getting to know her and her grown children.

NP, and that’s great. My experience with having a stepfather is 100% disruptive and awful, always has been. I can name friends of mine with great stepparents; I can name friends of mine who had or have awful stepparents. Yes, blended families can be wonderful, or nothing but pain and difficulty. Shall we end the anecdata-off now and call it a wash?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until the parents are old. I have so many friends who have to deal with their aging parents AND their step parents. Sometimes they have to battle with the step parent’s children, sometimes the step parent’s children have written them off so guess who gets stuck holding the bag on that? Even after the parent dies, if the step parent remains, often the child or wife is the child because it’s always women who get stuck with this stuff is stuck managing end of life care and support for a step parent.

Piling on here, both as a divorcee and child of divorced parents, that my step mom has been one of the best things that happened to my dad and my family.
We love her, and really enjoy getting to know her and her grown children.

NP, and that’s great. My experience with having a stepfather is 100% disruptive and awful, always has been. I can name friends of mine with great stepparents; I can name friends of mine who had or have awful stepparents. Yes, blended families can be wonderful, or nothing but pain and difficulty. Shall we end the anecdata-off now and call it a wash?

Of course I know stepparent outcomes can be all over the place. They can also be all over the place when parents stay married. Or when they never marry in the first place. Which is why this whole thread is stupid. Yes - it is all a wash.

What matters to children is stability and having at least one adult in their life who is present and loving. Marriage does not guarantee this.

[Anonymous]

I mostly agree that it’s a wash.

No one (as far as I can tell) disputes that kids whose parents are in a loving, functional, supportive, safe, and respectful marriages are better off than kids where something is fundamentally wrong in the marriage. Things can be dangerously wrong in a marriage, or wrong in ways that are emotionally unsafe, and in about a million other ways too (obligatory Tolstoy quote about happy/unhappy families here).

To actually measure the impact of divorce — as opposed to the impact of having something so wrong in the marriage and by extension the family dynamic that divorce is on the table— you’d first need a way to compare *only* those where the likelihood of divorce is essentially a tossup. So filter out functional and also filter out extreme dysfunction. Otherwise you are comparing function to dysfunction, which is a useless statistic (because again, we all agree that function > dysfunction). You would also need a way to adjust for financial circumstances, as we probably also agree that not having financial strain > financial strain. To my knowledge, these studies haven’t been done, nor has anyone suggested how these might be done.

I don’t see anyone here saying “divorce is always good.” I do see people saying “divorce is (at least almost) always bad.” The anecdata is valuable insofar as it presents a counter to these kinds of binary, blanket-statements.