Parents refuse to believe DX
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Anonymous
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My young child was recently dx'd with ADHD--unusually early, but he has nearly all the signs, plus a strong family history on DH's side (DH, Dh's brother, father, etc). My stepmother is a psychologist who works with children a lot--does a lot of testing and evaluation. However she has not evaluated my child--she sees him every 6 months or so for a day or two. She encouraged us a while ago to get him evaluated for his behavior: hyperactive, serious impulse control, poor self regulation, etc. Although she gave us names of psychologists in our area, we chose to see a dev. pediatrician. She recently visited and told us that dev. pediatricians are not well trained to evaluate kids, that ours was wrong, and that our son does not have ADHD-his issues are "emotional, not neurological" (even though DS has fine motor skill issues, poor visual-motor skills, etc, other things that are comorbid with ADHD and linked to neurological issues).
I am kind of at a loss as to how to respond. She takes it very personally that we are not taking him to the psychologist that she recommended (someone who trained with Anna Freud---I'm sure well regarded, but its a totally different approach) and insists that we basically don't know what we're doing with our child, etc. She also has told us that we just need to be more 'firm' with our child, that he is anxious without strong boundaries, etc. Is there a big divide between the biological/neurological camp and the psychological/emotional camp? how do I respond to this? |
Anonymous
| How old is your child? |
Anonymous
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You're the parent. Ignore your stepmother, trust your instincts and remember that stepmom's skill set could be years or decades out of date, while you're the mom now and every day.
Sometimes, especially with elders who are locked into opinions, the best thing to do is smile, nod and wait til they change the subject. |
Anonymous
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"Betty, thank you so much for the recommendation. We're satisfied with the information our doctor gave us. Can you please pass the beans. They're so delicious..."
"This isn't up for discussion. When we need your input, we will definitely let you know Now about those beans. What is in them..." Again, this isn't up for discussion. It's time for us to go." |
Anonymous
| Sorry, OP. This sucks. A few of my DH's family members are doctors and they like to tell me that my doctors (top-rated in DC area) are terrible. I agree with PP to just smile and nod. If she won't drop it, you should have a conversation with her about it and be unemotional and firm. |
Anonymous
| You don't respond other than to change the subject. This is not something where you're going to convince her otherwise or respond with some winning argument. Thank her for her help and then, say nothing. Let the silence do the heavy lifting. |
Anonymous
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You have a right to be annoyed at your stepmother for interfering in a know-it-all manner; but you should also consider her position on its own merits.
One way of thinking about it is that ADHD also means poor emotional control. So discussing the matter with a psychologist could actually help you navigate your child's emotional immaturity and give you tools to stave off melt-downs and increase communication. For example, having a set routine, more structure and boundaries is extremely helpful and reassuring for the child! My son was diagnosed with ADD at 5, after years of being labeled socially immature - now we suspect he actually has High-functioning autism, with perhaps ADD thrown in. The 2 biggest hurdles he has to face at 8 right now are executive functioning (he is very slow/disorganized) and social awareness (making/keeping friends). This is to tell you that labels are fluid and overlap, and you can look at the same set of issues from different standpoints to gain a better understanding of them. |
Anonymous
OP here. I agree with what you're saying, in principle, and I was actually hoping I could have a productive conversation with her about behavioral management, emotional regulation, etc. I think a psychologist could be very helpful--but she just insisted to my face that "DS does not have neurological issues, he does not have ADHD" on pretty much no basis, so she shut down any conversation and basically said "Your doctor is wrong. This is what I do" but did not give me any reasons why she felt our son did not have ADHD. So, she acted like we were challenging her expertise. But she did not see his tests or evaluations, she hasn't tried to work with him on fine motor, or seen his visual processing deficits, hasn't seen him in a stimulating environment when he has a meltdown, hasn't seen him react to noise in particular, etc---nor does she think that the fact that DH, grandparent, uncle and first cousin have learning disabilities, etc, matters. Of course, she also insisted that DS's cousin, after having met him a few times, was 'definitely on the spectrum." This is a kid with serious learning disabilities, who has probably done 4 full neuropsych evals over the years, see a psychiatrist, educational consultant, goes to a specialized school, etc, and autism has never been mentioned. Many other language-based disorders, ADHD, executive functioning, etc, yes.... |
Anonymous
Our developmental ped does all these things. |
Anonymous
Agree, you're not going to change her mind, so I wouldn't bother trying. If you feel confident in your doctor's approach, stay with that. |
Anonymous
This. We are actually in a similar situation with my mother-in-law. She's a mental health professional (addictions counselor and social worker) but has zero training or experience in evaluating or diagnosing children, though apparently she has read a lot on the internet (!!). Anyway, she is absolutely, positively, totally convinced that our child has a diagnosis that, according developmental pediatricians at KK and Children's, and a host of psychologists, teachers, and therapists, he simply does not have (she only sees the kids once or twice a year for a few days at a time, so she really doesn't get an accurate sense of who they are in real/non-travel life). As a result, she's decided that we are in denial and has started telling other members of the extended family (many of whom have never met our child) that we have this serious problem and can't deal. (FTR, we're not in denial! We're just choosing to give our son the school services and therapy that support his needs! Crazy!) She sends us books and she's told so many people that relatives that I've never met routinely forward us internet articles about the diagnosis that she thinks he should have. We took the topic off the table and shut down any discussion. In our case, it didn't help and she could not let it go, so we have cut off contact with her for a while. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but you gotta do what's best for you and your child. Good luck! |
Anonymous
I just want to address this question ... I have not seen this divide in my experience. We have been working with a psychologist for years and after an initial diagnosis of generalized anxiety, she was the one who recommended we have our son evaluated for adhd, which we did through a neuropsych exam. Everyone on our "team" is fully on board with the dual diagnosis and communicates regularly with each other. It sounds to me like she is so convinced of her idea that she would prefer not to consider all the facts or weigh the opinions of other knowledgeable people. To me, that is always a sign that someone cannot be fully trusted. I think a good clinician is always willing to dialogue and consider different possibilities. |
Anonymous
| I don't know your family or your stepmother, of course, but what strikes me most about this is how wildly and utterly unprofessional this behavior is. Professionals don't hand out this kind of advice to people who are not actively soliciting it, and if you have not asked for her intervention or opinion, there's no reason for her to think that she should be this involved. She's this kid's stepgrandmother, not his doctor. It seems like if she wants you all to trust her professional opinion, she should start acting like a professional and respecting you as his parents. |
Anonymous
| Did you ask your step mother how it is that these "emotional" issues bring about neurological problems? Stand your ground, OP! I had the same advice from county intervention folks to take my child to a psychologist. I told them that was ridiculous and that I was taking my child to a medical doctor instead. I'm glad I did. It hasn't been an easy road, but my child is getting better. Give your step mother a copy of Kenneth Bock's book on healing the epidemic of 4 A disorders! |
Anonymous
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OP, it's hard for professional family members. Their professional knowledge and their emotions get tangled together into a big mess. My husband has a psychologist license (with only a little training in peds), and he has had a hard time with my kids' DXs. While he remains skeptical, he's been a great resource for making sure our interventions are helpful and non-harmful.
You might try that approach with her. She's trying to help and give good advice. CBT can be very effective for ADHD. I'm sure she has a lot of information about it. Thank her for her input and ask her about a CBT approach. She'll be flattered and feel heard. She's also advising you to get a second opinion. A second opinion is never harmful. Meds are serious business. |