Parents refuse to believe DX

[Anonymous]

OP here. I get the tangled emotions and difficulty separating professional and personal issues. But when i pressed stepmom on *why* she thought DS didn't have ADHD, she just snapped and said "because he doesn't! This is what I do! I know it!" without offering ANY explanation, without evaluating him in any professional way, without asking me why I thought he did, etc, and getting really pissed off at me for questioning her. Its always a red flag when a medical professional gets really defensive, but this is how she is about a lot of things, so it doesn't mean she's wrong. Anyway, she and my dad were also lecturing me on how I just need to set firmer boundaries with my son and he acts up because I let him, essentially--that his behavior is a reflection of poor parenting and complicated emotional dynamics at home (which hey, maybe, but then help me out more than just saying "be firm"). So, today they got to spend the day with him --I was there the whole time, but I essentially allowed them to take more responsibility for my son, and i hung back with the younger child. By the end of the day, they were both totally frazzled, were yelling constantly and saying "no!" and "stop!" and as ineffectually as I still do on occasion (though I have adopted a different approach, which is specific ignoring, for certain things). The day ended with my stepmother screaming at my son because he kept pushing a shopping cart into another one after she told him to stop. she totally lost it(screaming and twisting/yanking his arm hard to get him to stop ) which of course set off a meltdown.

Sadly, knowing my stepmom she will refuse to consider any alternative to her opinion (she has alraedy taken it as a personal affront that we did not sseek out the psychoanalyst she recommended) and I will never be allowed to discuss my son's diagnosis, behavior, or therapy or anything with her or with my dad if she's there because she will shut down the conversation. So, I guess I feel very alone--worried about my son, frustrated and scared and overwhelmed by the challenges his behavior presents (and will continue to present as he gets older/starts school) and just wishing I had one supportive parent. (my own mom, when I told her that we think my son has ADHD, only said "well, you knew it ran in the family when you married DH, but you did it anyway" and since then has pointed out every single thing that my son cannot do, from putting on his shoes to telling time to building things, and talks about how he'll never be a scientist or a doctor, etc, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know your family or your stepmother, of course, but what strikes me most about this is how wildly and utterly unprofessional this behavior is. Professionals don't hand out this kind of advice to people who are not actively soliciting it, and if you have not asked for her intervention or opinion, there's no reason for her to think that she should be this involved. She's this kid's stepgrandmother, not his doctor. It seems like if she wants you all to trust her professional opinion, she should start acting like a professional and respecting you as his parents.

+100. You need to change the subject with her. (This is hard enough for you without her unsolicited advice) I am sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get the tangled emotions and difficulty separating professional and personal issues. But when i pressed stepmom on *why* she thought DS didn't have ADHD, she just snapped and said "because he doesn't! This is what I do! I know it!" without offering ANY explanation, without evaluating him in any professional way, without asking me why I thought he did, etc, and getting really pissed off at me for questioning her. Its always a red flag when a medical professional gets really defensive, but this is how she is about a lot of things, so it doesn't mean she's wrong. Anyway, she and my dad were also lecturing me on how I just need to set firmer boundaries with my son and he acts up because I let him, essentially--that his behavior is a reflection of poor parenting and complicated emotional dynamics at home (which hey, maybe, but then help me out more than just saying "be firm"). So, today they got to spend the day with him --I was there the whole time, but I essentially allowed them to take more responsibility for my son, and i hung back with the younger child. By the end of the day, they were both totally frazzled, were yelling constantly and saying "no!" and "stop!" and as ineffectually as I still do on occasion (though I have adopted a different approach, which is specific ignoring, for certain things). The day ended with my stepmother screaming at my son because he kept pushing a shopping cart into another one after she told him to stop. she totally lost it(screaming and twisting/yanking his arm hard to get him to stop ) which of course set off a meltdown.

Sadly, knowing my stepmom she will refuse to consider any alternative to her opinion (she has alraedy taken it as a personal affront that we did not sseek out the psychoanalyst she recommended) and I will never be allowed to discuss my son's diagnosis, behavior, or therapy or anything with her or with my dad if she's there because she will shut down the conversation. So, I guess I feel very alone--worried about my son, frustrated and scared and overwhelmed by the challenges his behavior presents (and will continue to present as he gets older/starts school) and just wishing I had one supportive parent. (my own mom, when I told her that we think my son has ADHD, only said "well, you knew it ran in the family when you married DH, but you did it anyway" and since then has pointed out every single thing that my son cannot do, from putting on his shoes to telling time to building things, and talks about how he'll never be a scientist or a doctor, etc, etc).

Your MIL is a bit cray cray.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, keep her away from your children. And she shouldn't be left alone with any child, NT or SN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get the tangled emotions and difficulty separating professional and personal issues. But when i pressed stepmom on *why* she thought DS didn't have ADHD, she just snapped and said "because he doesn't! This is what I do! I know it!" without offering ANY explanation, without evaluating him in any professional way, without asking me why I thought he did, etc, and getting really pissed off at me for questioning her. Its always a red flag when a medical professional gets really defensive, but this is how she is about a lot of things, so it doesn't mean she's wrong. Anyway, she and my dad were also lecturing me on how I just need to set firmer boundaries with my son and he acts up because I let him, essentially--that his behavior is a reflection of poor parenting and complicated emotional dynamics at home (which hey, maybe, but then help me out more than just saying "be firm"). So, today they got to spend the day with him --I was there the whole time, but I essentially allowed them to take more responsibility for my son, and i hung back with the younger child. By the end of the day, they were both totally frazzled, were yelling constantly and saying "no!" and "stop!" and as ineffectually as I still do on occasion (though I have adopted a different approach, which is specific ignoring, for certain things). The day ended with my stepmother screaming at my son because he kept pushing a shopping cart into another one after she told him to stop. she totally lost it(screaming and twisting/yanking his arm hard to get him to stop ) which of course set off a meltdown.

Sadly, knowing my stepmom she will refuse to consider any alternative to her opinion (she has alraedy taken it as a personal affront that we did not sseek out the psychoanalyst she recommended) and I will never be allowed to discuss my son's diagnosis, behavior, or therapy or anything with her or with my dad if she's there because she will shut down the conversation. So, I guess I feel very alone--worried about my son, frustrated and scared and overwhelmed by the challenges his behavior presents (and will continue to present as he gets older/starts school) and just wishing I had one supportive parent. (my own mom, when I told her that we think my son has ADHD, only said "well, you knew it ran in the family when you married DH, but you did it anyway" and since then has pointed out every single thing that my son cannot do, from putting on his shoes to telling time to building things, and talks about how he'll never be a scientist or a doctor, etc, etc).

Your MIL is a bit cray cray.

OP, it sucks that your parents are all unsupportive and basically assholes about your son's issues. It seems like what you need to do is let yourself mourn that, but face the reality that they are not going to change and stop hoping that they will. Don't engage them on the topic. If you feel alone you need more support, you'll have to seek it elsewhere, because continuing to look for it from your parents and stepmother is going to get you nowhere.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get your frustration, but I think you have to consider that everyone else has to deal with this diagnosis in their own way, and it takes time to come to acceptance. Just because are fine with it doesn't mean they have made that journey on their own. These are your child's family members and they have their own dreams and desires for him, and accepting that he perhaps won't be exactly the grandchild they envisioned takes time.

There's a 2nd thing which I also want to say, which is that ADHD kids often do well with the kind of structured, authoritarian parenting that came more easily to a previous generation. Not that it solved all their problems or that our approach today isn't better in some ways. But I watch first time parents with their kids and sometimes it is frustrating seeing how ineffective they are, and I think that is a lot of grandparents' experience regardless of a child's issues. Even if your father and stepmom find him frustrating too, and he is more difficult than some other children to manage, it doesn't mean that your approach is the only one or the most effective.

[Anonymous]

Think this way, you DH has ADHD and still married a great person like you. Your son's future is bright!

BTW, is there a reason why you did not consult the psychologist that your stepmother recommended? You can always try that person once. Maybe she is great.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. My inlaws are REALLY bad about the denial factor as well (our son has other special needs issues, but still we share similarity about denial). I agree with the other posters that standing firm about "this is what we have decided, thank you, next topic". It is hard enough to parent sometimes without having crazy opinions on top of it. Not only is it annoying but can also be really insulting too.

[Anonymous]

We're in a similar situation, and we finally laid down the law and told my MIL that both of our children's needs were well looked after by teachers, doctors, and other professionals, but they needed her to be a grandma--just a grandma who dotes on them and spoils them and loves them to bits. If she wasn't interested in that role, and was intent on analyzing and judging and diagnosing, then that was too bad, because grandma was the only position that was vacant. Period.

[Anonymous]

You didn't answer the question about how old your son is. Is it possible your stepmom thinks he is too young for an ADHD diagnosis so it must be some other cause?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord, keep her away from your children. And she shouldn't be left alone with any child, NT or SN.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You have a right to be annoyed at your stepmother for interfering in a know-it-all manner; but you should also consider her position on its own merits.

One way of thinking about it is that ADHD also means poor emotional control. So discussing the matter with a psychologist could actually help you navigate your child's emotional immaturity and give you tools to stave off melt-downs and increase communication. For example, having a set routine, more structure and boundaries is extremely helpful and reassuring for the child!

My son was diagnosed with ADD at 5, after years of being labeled socially immature - now we suspect he actually has High-functioning autism, with perhaps ADD thrown in. The 2 biggest hurdles he has to face at 8 right now are executive functioning (he is very slow/disorganized) and social awareness (making/keeping friends). This is to tell you that labels are fluid and overlap, and you can look at the same set of issues from different standpoints to gain a better understanding of them.

OP here. I agree with what you're saying, in principle, and I was actually hoping I could have a productive conversation with her about behavioral management, emotional regulation, etc. I think a psychologist could be very helpful--but she just insisted to my face that "DS does not have neurological issues, he does not have ADHD" on pretty much no basis, so she shut down any conversation and basically said "Your doctor is wrong. This is what I do" but did not give me any reasons why she felt our son did not have ADHD. So, she acted like we were challenging her expertise. But she did not see his tests or evaluations, she hasn't tried to work with him on fine motor, or seen his visual processing deficits, hasn't seen him in a stimulating environment when he has a meltdown, hasn't seen him react to noise in particular, etc---nor does she think that the fact that DH, grandparent, uncle and first cousin have learning disabilities, etc, matters. Of course, she also insisted that DS's cousin, after having met him a few times, was 'definitely on the spectrum." This is a kid with serious learning disabilities, who has probably done 4 full neuropsych evals over the years, see a psychiatrist, educational consultant, goes to a specialized school, etc, and autism has never been mentioned. Many other language-based disorders, ADHD, executive functioning, etc, yes....

I think this is your problem. You want the advice of your stepmother but you don't like her advice. What about just pursuing the advice of the other posters, ie don't discuss it with her, and find a psychologist you like to have the discussion you need. It's of course more expensive, but I have lots of drs in my family and at the end of the day find it almost always best (except to evaluate whether something is an emergency over a weekend before deciding to waste time at urgent care) find that going to a dr I have no personal connection with is by far a better idea, even when I have very high respect for them professionally.