Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?

[Anonymous]

So, I'm pretty sure a friend has dropped me. I see parties I'm not invited to on Facebook and she either says she can't get together when I ask or flat out doesn't return my emails. I started noticing it about a year ago and now I'm convinced it's not my imagination because it's been going on for so long. Its definitely not that something is going on in her life to keep her from doing things generally because she gets together with other mutual friends without me and I see things on Facebook that she's doing. It sucks and it hurts my feelings a lot. Anyway, my question is whether to ask her about it or just leave it alone and accept it. I keep thinking about it and part me of thinks I'll be able to get past it better if I at least try to get an explanation. But the other part of me thinks that her explanation doesn't matter since the result is the same either way (end of friendship). What would you do? If it matters, we're mid-30s and both have kids...which makes me feel ridiculous for being in this 7th grade situation.

[Anonymous]

Take her off your facebook account and move on.

[Anonymous]

It's not like you're gonna get an answer you like, and doubtful that it'll be effective in your life in any way to pursue this. I would move on. If the topic comes up between mutual friends, say something like 'I miss hanging out with her.' But nothing ill spoken. Take the high road, you'll never regret it.

[Anonymous]

If it's a friendship you value and you are totally clueless on what happened, then make a last ditch effort to ask, in a non-confrontational way. "Hey Larla, have I offended you in some way"?. If she says yes, let her state her case. If she says no, take her off your facebook account and move on.

[Anonymous]

Just leave it alone and accept it. Don't try to contact her anymore.

[Anonymous]

I would feel hurt as well.

The only way to get the truth honey is to ask for it. It is truly awkward so I would approach it in the most tactful manner that I could. Send her a Facebook message, let her know that you miss talking to her and getting together, then inquire when would be a good time for you guys to talk. If she gives you the cold shoulder, then I would ask her directly if everything was okay between the two of you and that you valued your friendship so if there were any "concerns," you would welcome her input.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would leave it. She has reasons and frankly, you might not like hearing them. I dropped a friend last year because frankly, I just thought she was a crappy person for many reasons. But that's really my issue to deal with and I don't expect her to change her whole personality for me so I didn't feel the need to tell her. She pushed and pushed for an answer though and then was very defensive when I told her she treats people poorly and is self centered and a bit of a liar. She thought she wanted the answers but clearly could not handle them. So, you can ask, but be prepared either way- that she might not want to discuss it with you or will, and you might not like what you hear.

[Anonymous]

Just ask her what is going on.

Sure, you might get an answer you won't like, but I think it's ridiculous that people would suggest you dismiss a friend without at least finding out what's going on.

It could be a misunderstanding.

If she says she no longer wants to be friends or she thinks you're a "crappy person," then at least you know with certainty.

Honestly, 11:23 sounds like a crappy person. the fact that you would just drop a friend without explanation and make her basically BEG for an explanation says a lot about you.

No one -- no one -- deserves to be shut out without an explanation. It's simply not an adult way to behave. If someone was once a friend or somehow in your life and you no longer want that person around, the decent thing to do is to, at least when asked, let them know why.

It's shitty to "drop" someone and not explain why. It's childish and immature. Sure, giving an explanation might be awkward, but it is part of being an honest, decent person.

If explanations are given that have no resolution, then two people go their separate ways. End of story. But there's no need to be secretive about suddenly not wanting to be friends with someone.

I, frankly, think people who do that do it because they don't want to cut off that relationship. It's like they don't like someone, but they're not sure whether they might have a use for that person in the future. So they just ignore the person so that in the future, if they need them, they can just give some BS excuse like they were busy.

Back to the OP, just ask her. Get closure and move on. And at the least, if you ask her directly, she can't come back later and try to use you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just ask her what is going on.

Sure, you might get an answer you won't like, but I think it's ridiculous that people would suggest you dismiss a friend without at least finding out what's going on.

It could be a misunderstanding.

If she says she no longer wants to be friends or she thinks you're a "crappy person," then at least you know with certainty.

Honestly, 11:23 sounds like a crappy person. the fact that you would just drop a friend without explanation and make her basically BEG for an explanation says a lot about you.

No one -- no one -- deserves to be shut out without an explanation. It's simply not an adult way to behave. If someone was once a friend or somehow in your life and you no longer want that person around, the decent thing to do is to, at least when asked, let them know why.

It's shitty to "drop" someone and not explain why. It's childish and immature. Sure, giving an explanation might be awkward, but it is part of being an honest, decent person.

If explanations are given that have no resolution, then two people go their separate ways. End of story. But there's no need to be secretive about suddenly not wanting to be friends with someone.

I, frankly, think people who do that do it because they don't want to cut off that relationship. It's like they don't like someone, but they're not sure whether they might have a use for that person in the future. So they just ignore the person so that in the future, if they need them, they can just give some BS excuse like they were busy.

Back to the OP, just ask her. Get closure and move on. And at the least, if you ask her directly, she can't come back later and try to use you.

This is sensible. You are adults, act like it. And even if she didn't act like one by dropping you out of the blue, it's no reason why you can't be the bigger person and take the high road by asking her what's up.

I know the state of affairs in our society has deteriorated to people thinking everyone is easily disposable like a used tampon, still, there should be a bit of decency left.

[Anonymous]

People get dropped for all kinds of reasons, reasonable and no so reasonable. But they are not going to explain, "Larla, when you cheated on your husband by saying you were at my house and then dragged your DD into it, and she was stalking my house to find out the truth, I did not love it..." or "Larla, when your 12 year old son fondled my 9 year old DD and you thought it was cute..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's a friendship you value and you are totally clueless on what happened, then make a last ditch effort to ask, in a non-confrontational way. "Hey Larla, have I offended you in some way"?. If she says yes, let her state her case. If she says no, take her off your facebook account and move on.

This. Non-confrontational is key. It's on her to let you know what happened (or not), but either way it should help get you some closure. Sorry to hear you're in this situation - I've been in it before (on both sides) and it's not easy. In the case where I was dropped, I never asked and the person eventually started calling me again. Our friendship is not the same and I don't trust her as a close reliable friend, but we're on pleasant terms. In the case where I was the dropper, I was being a flake and appreciated being called out on it. That friend and I are close again. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

NP here. yeah, I have a "friend" like this too. She occasionally sends an email about getting together, but doesn't follow up. A month or two ago, I invited her to a small get together at our house, she emailed that they'd be coming and they never showed up, never sent an explanation, etc. I see that they've had some bbqs since then.

Honestly, I don't feel like pursuing it. I dont think I did anything in particular, I'm just not important to her. I've got a lot of awesome friends I rarely see, so I just don't have the emotional energy to worry about why someone is hot and cold about me.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you care about her and want to preserve this friendship, tell her that you miss her and invite her to lunch.

If you don't really care about the friendship and are really just wondering what happened (completely understandable), don't say anything - just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People get dropped for all kinds of reasons, reasonable and no so reasonable. But they are not going to explain, "Larla, when you cheated on your husband by saying you were at my house and then dragged your DD into it, and she was stalking my house to find out the truth, I did not love it..." or "Larla, when your 12 year old son fondled my 9 year old DD and you thought it was cute..."

Um, if this happened to my 9 year old, I would certainly say something direct and unambiguous to the parents. That's pretty serious stuff.

Beyond that level of seriousness, maybe people don't explain why they drop friends, but they should. If someone is your friend, you should tell them if you think they are behaving in a way that harms you or offends you.

I think this secretive dropping of friends via shunning is juvenile. If someone offends you or does something inappropriate or dishonest or whatever, be an adult, tell them and break off the friendship if it is an unresolvable thing or an unforgivable offense. But just all of a sudden ignoring them without any hint of a problem or explanation is, again, juvenile.

If you no longer want to be friends with someone, than why would you be afraid to let them know why? Again, (I'm the poster above) I think it's because people like to hedge. They don't want to completely cut ties, because they may need something from that person in the future or suddenly find they have a use for them. I think that is wrong. It is an outgrowth of a culture that views people as means to an end, a culture that has over-emphasized networking and using friends. In fact, I think the concept of "friend" has been redefined in a horrible way.

Maybe social media is part of it. Facebook friends are so easily disposed of or "hidden." Perhaps it has seeped into how people view real-life friends. They don't have to completely "unfriend" them; they can just "hide" them in view and still have access to them, still "unhide" them whenever they need to without having to give an awkward explanation, maybe without the person ever knowing they were put on hold to begin with.

These trends don't bode well for our society.

[Anonymous]

My take on the issue is, there are friends and then there are acquaintances/buddies that are also sometimes called 'friends'. If you and the person in question have a long history, have been there for each other through tough times, or just like each other a lot (you know, we all click with some people better than the others), then I would probably ask for an explanation, since I would not want to lose this friendship because of a misunderstanding.

If we're talking about someone who's just an acquaintance, I'd let it slide and move on.