I feel like I've been parenting my mom my whole life! Exhausted!

[Anonymous]

My mom grew up without a mother. She lived with her aunt for several years and then her father, who sent her to boarding school for grades 6-12. She married young but didn't have a child until she was nearly 40. That child is me.
Growing up my mom was present, she didn't work, she liked to knit and cook. Everyone thought she was a typical SAHM. But as I got older, I realized she wasn't like other moms. She didn't buy me many gifts for Christmas. She seemed envious if my father and I did things together that excluded her. She refused to go prom dress shopping with me or pay for such events. She never gave advice. She didn't console me when I was upset. She didn't help me shop for colleges. When I got married, she wasn't interested in helping with plans, dress shopping, paying for anything, etc. And it wasnt because she didnt like my husband, she loves him. Now I'm in my mid thirties and expecting my first child and here we go again... disinterested in baby showers, helping with registries, etc.
I am SO envious of women whose mothers get excited and jump up and down and can't wait to celebrate these milestones with their daughters. I know my mother loves me and is supportive of the choices I've made in my life. Why can't she show it a little bit??! It makes me sad and it makes others around us very confused.
To top it off, my mom needs LOTS of advice/coaching/support to get through trivial decisions-- what shoes to buy, what napkins look best with these plates, what do I buy my neighbor for Christmas. It's constant. And it's exhausting. Worse, there's no reciprocation.

Is there a polite way to tell her how I feel? Or is it too late?

[Anonymous]

What good would it do at this point? Is she going to change now? Probably not. You'd just cause pain all around.

[Anonymous]

My mother is the same. I changed my expectations and became friends with several older women who fill the gap.

I suspect I am filling the gap they have with their own daughters and DILs. Win, win.

[Anonymous]

Is your mother chronically depressed?

I know a few people like that - they just cannot seem to muster up enough energy to get involved in others' lives, even the ones they care most about. Strange.

She won't change, so try to find friends who can fill that void. And don't go to the other extreme with your own children and smother them! That's what my mother did because she was neglected by her own mother.

[Anonymous]

she has never gotten over being abandoned so when you have milestones it trigggers her feels of being left and not having a mother.
she had no security as a child
no one to model being a present parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she has never gotten over being abandoned so when you have milestones it trigggers her feels of being left and not having a mother.
she had no security as a child
no one to model being a present parent

I agree with this. OP, I'm sorry for what you were unable to have with your mom. I get it. My mom died when I was 14 and I've done my share of grieving at not having a mom for those milestones -- marriage, kids, companionship in adulthood. It sucks. My only advice is to accept your mom for what she can give you and look for other women to fill the void as best you can. There are joys to be had even in the midst of sadness and disappointment. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she has never gotten over being abandoned so when you have milestones it trigggers her feels of being left and not having a mother.
she had no security as a child
no one to model being a present parent

I agree with this. OP, I'm sorry for what you were unable to have with your mom. I get it. My mom died when I was 14 and I've done my share of grieving at not having a mom for those milestones -- marriage, kids, companionship in adulthood. It sucks. My only advice is to accept your mom for what she can give you and look for other women to fill the void as best you can. There are joys to be had even in the midst of sadness and disappointment. Hugs to you.

I meant to add one thing. You are cannot force your mom to be more present in your life, however you have every right to have a life independent of your mom. If she is very needy you may need to set boundaries with her so that you can enjoy your own life. That is okay and doesn't mean you're not there for her when it counts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom grew up without a mother. She lived with her aunt for several years and then her father, who sent her to boarding school for grades 6-12. She married young but didn't have a child until she was nearly 40. That child is me.
Growing up my mom was present, she didn't work, she liked to knit and cook. Everyone thought she was a typical SAHM. But as I got older, I realized she wasn't like other moms. She didn't buy me many gifts for Christmas. She seemed envious if my father and I did things together that excluded her. She refused to go prom dress shopping with me or pay for such events. She never gave advice. She didn't console me when I was upset. She didn't help me shop for colleges. When I got married, she wasn't interested in helping with plans, dress shopping, paying for anything, etc. And it wasnt because she didnt like my husband, she loves him. Now I'm in my mid thirties and expecting my first child and here we go again... disinterested in baby showers, helping with registries, etc.
I am SO envious of women whose mothers get excited and jump up and down and can't wait to celebrate these milestones with their daughters. I know my mother loves me and is supportive of the choices I've made in my life. Why can't she show it a little bit??! It makes me sad and it makes others around us very confused.
To top it off, my mom needs LOTS of advice/coaching/support to get through trivial decisions-- what shoes to buy, what napkins look best with these plates, what do I buy my neighbor for Christmas. It's constant. And it's exhausting. Worse, there's no reciprocation.

Is there a polite way to tell her how I feel? Or is it too late?

I don't think that your mom knows how to do those things, OP. When you think about - she grew up w/o a mom, spent most of her adolescent years within the structured setting of a boarding school - she was kept safe and around other kids and teachers but she really didn't see any parenting (specifically mothering) happening. Then she married very young, spent most of her young adulthood as a wife and didn't become a mother, herself, until she was nearly 40.

She seems lost when it comes to these things because she is. Maybe having you help her with the little details of things is the only way that she knows how to be close to you. She loves you OP, just accept the imperfect person that life has made her. You can have a relationship with your mom, it's just not going to be a typical mother-daughter type relationship, but it can still be special.

[Anonymous]

Good advice PP! Have you tried saying, "mom I know you we're not lucky enough to have a mom to care for you and I'm so sorry about that. But maybe it would be healing for us both (and for progeny to come) if we try to create some of those stereotypical "mother-daughter" experiences. How about if we do (insert activity)? Your role is (insert hoped for nurturing). If you want, I could do some of that for you too. Want me to take you (dress shopping, or whatever things SHE missed out on)? Who blows, maybe you'll have a girl and something will kick in for her on some level (don't expect this however). Are there any really good mother daughter movies that model typical relationships? Invite her over to watch while you take turns rocking/soothing your baby. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I have a mom with whom I have many core issues which I won't go into. I can tell you from experience that telling an inadequate parent how you feel is NOT a satisfying experience. Your mom is fundamentally unable to be the person you want her to be. A chat about this is not going to make her see things from your perspective. She is too psychologically blocked and defended for that. There's a wall there you cannot get past. You will end up more angry and upset.

OP, I recommend therapy for you to help resolve this. I can forgive my mother, which is not to say that I don't still get angry but I get over it a lot faster and let it go.

[Anonymous]

Why does everyone need that Gilmore Girls type relationship with their mother? Shes a parents, not a best friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone need that Gilmore Girls type relationship with their mother? Shes a parents, not a best friend

Bitter much? Go re-read OP's first post. This isn't about being cranky because her mom isn't her BFF. This is about a parent who was and continues to be emotionally unavailable to her child.

[Anonymous]

I usually only post on DCUM when I have something positive to say, but DUDE. Hasn't anyone noticed that the only this OP seems to want is shopping experiences with her mom?

OP, it is entirely possible that your mom sucks. But before you come to that conclusion, can you take a step back and ask yourself if you are just looking for the wrong stuff from her? Instead of dress shopping and registries, are there other ways you can enjoy quality time together and celebrate milestones?

[Anonymous]

Prom dress shopping, bridal registries are completely foreign to the OP's mom. The OP's mom isn't holding back on the OP she just genuinely has no clue about these things.

It would be as unreasonable as DEMANDING a person speak fluent French who has never, ever spoken French before.

[Anonymous]

Shopping for colleges is not "shopping." Neither is a baby registry. Both are life preparation skills. You are missing the point. The mother is not invested.