I feel like I've been parenting my mom my whole life! Exhausted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she has never gotten over being abandoned so when you have milestones it trigggers her feels of being left and not having a mother.
she had no security as a child
no one to model being a present parent

Well-said. I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually only post on DCUM when I have something positive to say, but DUDE. Hasn't anyone noticed that the only this OP seems to want is shopping experiences with her mom?

OP, it is entirely possible that your mom sucks. But before you come to that conclusion, can you take a step back and ask yourself if you are just looking for the wrong stuff from her? Instead of dress shopping and registries, are there other ways you can enjoy quality time together and celebrate milestones?

DUDE, did you read the part where OP said "She seemed envious if my dad and I did stuff together together" and "She never gave advice" and "She didn't console me when I was upset." Those aren't about missing out on shopping experiences. Those are significant emotional exchanges that anyone would expect from a mother.

I can't believe that after reading OP's post with the above included that you'd ask her to "take a step back" and ask herself if she is really just asking too much from her mother before determining whether or not her mom sucks. Let me save OP the time: Her mom sucks. And PP, your reading comprehension sucks too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually only post on DCUM when I have something positive to say, but DUDE. Hasn't anyone noticed that the only this OP seems to want is shopping experiences with her mom?

OP, it is entirely possible that your mom sucks. But before you come to that conclusion, can you take a step back and ask yourself if you are just looking for the wrong stuff from her? Instead of dress shopping and registries, are there other ways you can enjoy quality time together and celebrate milestones?

DUDE, did you read the part where OP said "She seemed envious if my dad and I did stuff together together" and "She never gave advice" and "She didn't console me when I was upset." Those aren't about missing out on shopping experiences. Those are significant emotional exchanges that anyone would expect from a mother.

I can't believe that after reading OP's post with the above included that you'd ask her to "take a step back" and ask herself if she is really just asking too much from her mother before determining whether or not her mom sucks. Let me save OP the time: Her mom sucks. And PP, your reading comprehension sucks too.

Agree completely. Your interpretation is all wrong. Be grateful that you have no idea what the rest of us are talking about.

OP, I know how hard this is, and I'm so sorry. I strongly disagree with the advice to discuss this directly with your mom and suggest that you try to fill the void together now. I think the suggestion is well intentioned, but as a woman who myself is mired in this generational pattern, my feeling is that doing that would be terribly shaming for your mom and will get you nowhere. I wish I had an answer about what would work, but I don't, unfortunately. Once you become a parent, you will be able to create the missed experiences with your own child and for many people that is very healing. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually only post on DCUM when I have something positive to say, but DUDE. Hasn't anyone noticed that the only this OP seems to want is shopping experiences with her mom?

OP, it is entirely possible that your mom sucks. But before you come to that conclusion, can you take a step back and ask yourself if you are just looking for the wrong stuff from her? Instead of dress shopping and registries, are there other ways you can enjoy quality time together and celebrate milestones?

DUDE, did you read the part where OP said "She seemed envious if my dad and I did stuff together together" and "She never gave advice" and "She didn't console me when I was upset." Those aren't about missing out on shopping experiences. Those are significant emotional exchanges that anyone would expect from a mother.

I can't believe that after reading OP's post with the above included that you'd ask her to "take a step back" and ask herself if she is really just asking too much from her mother before determining whether or not her mom sucks. Let me save OP the time: Her mom sucks. And PP, your reading comprehension sucks too.

Agree completely. Your interpretation is all wrong. Be grateful that you have no idea what the rest of us are talking about.

OP, I know how hard this is, and I'm so sorry. I strongly disagree with the advice to discuss this directly with your mom and suggest that you try to fill the void together now. I think the suggestion is well intentioned, but as a woman who myself is mired in this generational pattern, my feeling is that doing that would be terribly shaming for your mom and will get you nowhere. I wish I had an answer about what would work, but I don't, unfortunately. Once you become a parent, you will be able to create the missed experiences with your own child and for many people that is very healing. I wish you all the best.

Yes, don't have a Big Conversation. You'll hurt her, and it won't help her give you the relationship you want (I speak from experience). You can't get blood from a stone. Try to let go of hoping to get significant emotional support from her. She grew up in an incredibly difficult situtation.

Ask her to spend time with you and your family--we'd love for you to come to the pool with us this weekend (if local) or arrange for a visit over a long weekend. Ask for help doing little practical things--could she keep an eye on the kids while you do X. Encourage positive interactions with your kids--Larla really loves it when you play with blocks with her.

[Anonymous]

It sounds a little like my mother, who is a functioning adult but I don't think ever got over the fact that her mother was completely neglectful and cruel. You can't remake a person who lost a childhood, especially this late in life.

[Anonymous]

I think your mom might be a narcissist, as in narcissistic personality disorder. I don't mean she's evil, or a psychopath, just that everything is all about her to the extent that it damages her relationships.

Read your post again, OP -- I saw lots in there that wase all about your mom being very self-focused and not giving to you as her child. Read up a little on narcissistic personality disorder -- that might be what's going on. But if not, it might be "enough" that her not having a mother has greatly influenced her behavior,