Backing out of trip

[Anonymous]

Hi. Our family has been going through a lot of strife in the past couple years due to various issues, health--dad's poor conduct etc. Consequently my husband and I have distanced ourselves from all the drama by keeping a lot of family in the dark other than parents/sibling etc.. In the past month a family member (dad's sister) has reached out and said she misses our family and would like to get to know our kids better (she has never met them and I have an eight year old and four year old). I believe this comes from a very good place. She asked if she could visit our summer home (we have a summer home in a resort community). I said yes in the moment without thinking. Namely our home is small so it would be close quarters and all the more so because we have little kids and they are noisy at times. This aunt wouldn't mind..but I would feel stressed trying to keep it all nice. Also my husband was not a fan of this..although he agreed after the fact I am feeling bad as he has little vacation and this would be during his vacation ie he is a good guy and would suck it up maybe against what is good for him. I could buy them a hotel room (they have limited means so we would have to pay for everything) but I feel this is unfair to my husband..again he said fine but I feel bad. On top of all of this is the stress of having to discuss my dad..it's not a good thing to discuss and selfishly..I just don't want to go there now and don't want to do this during my husband's vacation time with our kids. Again..my aunt is not a bad person so I don't think she is looking for trouble but it is only natural to discuss what happened to my dad that he is really out of the picture with everyone.

What would I like? I would like to get back to her and tell her that thinking this through..this summer isn't a great time. We have a lot of family issues we are working through (we are trying to reconnect with my dad (with some success) who abandoned the family years ago, also help my mom who is very very ill) and while we would love love love to see them..we just feel this summer doesn't work. My fear is that I would anger this aunt and lose the opportunity to reconnect. This is truly nothing personal but more of wanting to take of my immediate family first. I would welcome feedback--this is a sensitive topic but I really want to do this right thing. I think part of my angst is that I tend to take on too much and then feel overwhelmed and maybe for the first time I am thinking..man this is not good and I have to do something because my husband comes first..but I still feel guilty. Maybe I should feel guilty. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I think we need some more information. How soon is this woman supposed to come? How far is she traveling? Has she already made/paid for travel reservations?

[Anonymous]

Just call the aunt and say that upon further thought, it really isn't going to work out for her to come this summer. You spoke too soon and apologize for doing so. Instead, you'd like to set up a time in the fall to get together.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you can back out now.

[Anonymous]

Once bitten, twice shy when it comes to complex family issues. Summer is rapidly coming to an end. Is it too late to say no? Maybe she can use your house herself without you?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for input. They are driving and it is a six hour trip. This would be for labor day weekend. I just talked to my husband..he said to book the room (by the way..another thing is they think they are staying with us..that husband said would just be a nightmare..it's too small..hoping that would also not be an insult if I don't back out of the trip..the reality is that they are very tight financially so no way could they pay and no way I would expect but they may also not love that they aren't staying in our house. I know family issues are tough..they are esp when you having a family member who is dying makes everything rare and sensitive. That being said..I don't want to push away someone who is reaching out..for my kids esp. I don't want to lose this potential connection..my aunt is a nice lady..she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On top of all of this is the stress of having to discuss my dad..it's not a good thing to discuss and selfishly..I just don't want to go there now and don't want to do this during my husband's vacation time with our kids. Again..my aunt is not a bad person so I don't think she is looking for trouble but it is only natural to discuss what happened to my dad that he is really out of the picture with everyone.

I think it's very fair to warn her in advance that the situation with your dad is a sensitive subject, and that you won't want to talk about it. You could even do this by email. If she brings it up, you can remind her that you don't want to discuss it. End of story.

I agree that it's a bit late to back out--I'd be inclined to try to work it out without stressing your husband out too much.

[Anonymous]

Honestly can you just make it work? I made a very similar mistake and it bugged me the whole time but I tried to keep it in check. Try to minimize the time there and just do what you can, can you all leave a little early?. About it being small...I it is only a limited time and think about all the people that live that way all the time. Bring some cards, board games etc. sometimes with family I learned you just need to suck it up and try to force yourself to be a bigger person no matter how annoying it may be. Make it upto your dh in another way.

[Anonymous]

The more you distance your family the harder it is to reconnect without them. Your kids deserve to have an extended family and you need a support network. You are focusing on the negatives of her visit only. Just dive in and stop driving yourself nuts with worries.

[Anonymous]

I think paying for a hotel room makes the most sense. You get to reconnect with your aunt and your children get the opportunity to grow their family. You don't have to talk about your dad. "I'm sorry, we're still working through the situation and I'm just not ready to talk about it right now. Did you want to go for a walk this morning? There's a lovely path we can follow..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for input. They are driving and it is a six hour trip. This would be for labor day weekend. I just talked to my husband..he said to book the room (by the way..another thing is they think they are staying with us..that husband said would just be a nightmare..it's too small..hoping that would also not be an insult if I don't back out of the trip..the reality is that they are very tight financially so no way could they pay and no way I would expect but they may also not love that they aren't staying in our house. I know family issues are tough..they are esp when you having a family member who is dying makes everything rare and sensitive. That being said..I don't want to push away someone who is reaching out..for my kids esp. I don't want to lose this potential connection..my aunt is a nice lady..she is.

First, tell her immediately and very kindly that you have already booked and paid for a hotel room. When she protests that it's costing you money, please give NO indication that you have any concern. You have done it now, it's finalized, and you need to be gracious: "I'm so glad you reached out. And the beach place is pretty small, and I wanted to be sure that your kids and our kids get some good rest so we can all feel relaxed and have fun. The hotel room is my gift to you!" Then change the topic swiftly and positively to something else, like fun things you have planned for all the kids to do.

Second, when she gets there, the first time you and she are alone -- please, please arrange alone time for her and yourself! This is what she most wants, I feel sure -- tell her again with kindness, "I know you want to hear about dad. It's tough being out of contact. But I also want to be really honest with you since you were so kind to reach out to us, and let you know that it's very, very painful for me to discuss dad in any details. At the same time, I know you want to ask things. So here's the basics and it's all I know: ....." And prepare in advance your very simple, straightforward summary of whatever you feel you can get out and leave it at that. He is her brother. Yes, he's your dad and that's important, but he's her brother as well, and it sounds like she's had little or no information about him; you can help set her mind a little at ease, or at least convey some very basic information. You don't want to do it, but sometimes when a person reaches out, it's from a place of great need, and she likely needs both to see you and to hear something -- anything -- about him. If he's the one you refer to as dying, she likely feels very alone and distanced from him right now, and it would be a good and kind deed of you to give her some form of the most basic information, even if that consists of, "I have not spoken to dad in six months because....When we did last talk, his condition was.....I'm sorry I can't say more because I know you want to know more, I really do. But it's wonderful just to be back in touch with each other here, this weekend."

I am saying this as someone who has had a relative with a terminal illness who kept it hidden until she was nearly dead and it was too late for anyone to visit her (she lived abroad). Not quite the same situation, but still, I know that it's tough to be the person who lacks any information. Please accept this attempt at bonding with your aunt. Be sure to have alone time with her, plenty of it. Prepare yourself in advance by "scripting" what you are willing to say and can say with minimal pain about your dad. And have activities planned so you are not always feeling she is about to ask you more.

As for your husband: It's very commendable of you to be concerned about his vacation time, etc., but frankly he will have other vacations in other years, and you can make ways to have family time other than this one Labor Day weekend. Unless for some reason he himself is ill or has other issues that mean you must focus on him in every spare moment -- tell him that you need to have this time for your own family's issues that one weekend out of the whole year. If he can understand, he's a great guy. If you back out of this arrangement, you may regret it deeply later, if you never see your aunt again.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the advice ..really helped and I hope I can help someone else on this area of the site. I have gone ahead and booked rooms for my aunt and uncle. I also planned a spa day with my aunt that will also include lunch so she will have some just me and her time. She is my day's sister (dad isn't sick..well physically at least.as he has abandoned the entire family over the stress of lot being able to handle mom's health..no one knows where he is so we are handling mom (me and my husband). Anyway..I am going to make the best of this and remember that my aunt misses her brother as they were very close. Anyway..thanks again