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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thanks for input. They are driving and it is a six hour trip. This would be for labor day weekend. I just talked to my husband..he said to book the room (by the way..another thing is they think they are staying with us..that husband said would just be a nightmare..it's too small..hoping that would also not be an insult if I don't back out of the trip..the reality is that they are very tight financially so no way could they pay and no way I would expect but they may also not love that they aren't staying in our house. I know family issues are tough..they are esp when you having a family member who is dying makes everything rare and sensitive. That being said..I don't want to push away someone who is reaching out..for my kids esp. I don't want to lose this potential connection..my aunt is a nice lady..she is.[/quote]

First, tell her immediately and very kindly that you have already booked and paid for a hotel room. When she protests that it's costing you money, please give NO indication that you have any concern. You have done it now, it's finalized, and you need to be gracious: "I'm so glad you reached out. And the beach place is pretty small, and I wanted to be sure that your kids and our kids get some good rest so we can all feel relaxed and have fun. The hotel room is my gift to you!" Then change the topic swiftly and positively to something else, like fun things you have planned for all the kids to do.

Second, when she gets there, the first time you and she are alone -- please, please arrange alone time for her and yourself! This is what she most wants, I feel sure -- tell her again with kindness, "I know you want to hear about dad. It's tough being out of contact. But I also want to be really honest with you since you were so kind to reach out to us, and let you know that it's very, very painful for me to discuss dad in any details. At the same time, I know you want to ask things. So here's the basics and it's all I know: ....." And prepare in advance your very simple, straightforward summary of whatever you feel you can get out and leave it at that. He is her brother. Yes, he's your dad and that's important, but he's her brother as well, and it sounds like she's had little or no information about him; you can help set her mind a little at ease, or at least convey some very basic information. You don't want to do it, but sometimes when a person reaches out, it's from a place of great need, and she likely needs both to see you and to hear something -- anything -- about him. If he's the one you refer to as dying, she likely feels very alone and distanced from him right now, and it would be a good and kind deed of you to give her some form of the most basic information, even if that consists of, "I have not spoken to dad in six months because....When we did last talk, his condition was.....I'm sorry I can't say more because I know you want to know more, I really do. But it's wonderful just to be back in touch with each other here, this weekend."

I am saying this as someone who has had a relative with a terminal illness who kept it hidden until she was nearly dead and it was too late for anyone to visit her (she lived abroad). Not quite the same situation, but still, I know that it's tough to be the person who lacks any information. Please accept this attempt at bonding with your aunt. Be sure to have alone time with her, plenty of it. Prepare yourself in advance by "scripting" what you are willing to say and can say with minimal pain about your dad. And have activities planned so you are not always feeling she is about to ask you more.

As for your husband: It's very commendable of you to be concerned about his vacation time, etc., but frankly he will have other vacations in other years, and you can make ways to have family time other than this one Labor Day weekend. Unless for some reason he himself is ill or has other issues that mean you must focus on him in every spare moment -- tell him that you need to have this time for your own family's issues that one weekend out of the whole year. If he can understand, he's a great guy. If you back out of this arrangement, you may regret it deeply later, if you never see your aunt again.[/quote]

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