Stuck because of my husband

[Anonymous]

We live in a small town (200K population) in another state. DH earns a great living, his job is pretty secure and the cost of living here is very low.

I took a break when DC was born and now, a few years later, want to get back to work. I keep facing the same issue over and over again. The town is small and I have no luck here. Yet I frequently get inquiries regarding positions in other cities and states. And every time I have to turn it down because I can't relocate. DH can get a job in DC in a heart bit, and I'm getting interview requests for positions there. Yet he's reluctant to move and change jobs. While I think it would be beneficial not only for me, but our DC because a city is more stimulating and the schools are better there.

Have you had similar experience? Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Your husband should have screened you properly before marriage. But since he did not, I would advise him not to leave his secure, nice paying job in an area with a low cost of living just because he is being nagged by his wife. I would advise him to find something else to occupy your time. Whether that be a job, starting a business, or even focusing on your child.

But the chances are it is a lose lose for him, because no matter what, you will find something to complain about. If he finds a new job in an area with a higher col you will be mad that he doesn't make enough and that even with your pay you still feel stressed and a little behind. At least staying but allows him to maintain a nice financial balance.

If you feel held back by your DH, then by all means set yourself free but don't go whining about how mean your DH is. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

A little kid doesn't require the constant stimulation of a city. A child's imagination and mental and physical and emotional growth can all be stimulated with a cardboard box in an empty field.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand PP who are saying OP should just suck it up and not work. She moved for DH's job; why can't he move for hers? Compromise is a 2-way street.

That said, OP, you gotta look at all the variables. You say schools are better here? That depends on where you can afford to buy. Then you have to consider traffic, crime, etc., and it's not a given that QOL woul be better in DC.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]A little kid doesn't require the constant stimulation of a city. A child's imagination and mental and physical and emotional growth can all be stimulated with a cardboard box in an empty field. [/quote]

Not if kid started in DC. Mom and I hated it when Dad dragged us to the suburbs and we weren't happy until we moved back. DH and I are raising kids in CH and they get all the benefits of DC with a small town feel. Very happy indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand PP who are saying OP should just suck it up and not work. She moved for DH's job; why can't he move for hers? Compromise is a 2-way street.

That said, OP, you gotta look at all the variables. You say schools are better here? That depends on where you can afford to buy. Then you have to consider traffic, crime, etc., and it's not a given that QOL woul be better in DC.

she didn't say that. Maybe she did, but she doesn't say that in the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand PP who are saying OP should just suck it up and not work. She moved for DH's job; why can't he move for hers? Compromise is a 2-way street.

That said, OP, you gotta look at all the variables. You say schools are better here? That depends on where you can afford to buy. Then you have to consider traffic, crime, etc., and it's not a given that QOL woul be better in DC.

Because the proposal is not a compromise, it is stupid.

The only thing her DH can do is to try not to be dismissive while redirecting her attention. He needs to find her something to do, or else she will make sure to give him hell and make him out to be the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

OP -- say you can get one of these jobs in DC in a heartbeat, would your DH be able to get a similar position to what he has now in a new city or would you be the primary breadwinner? I would think long and hard about DH giving up a stable job in a low cost of living city in order to move to DC -- unless he can get a similarly stable job with a MUCH higher salary. What would happen when/if you had child no. 2 -- would you quit that job you got in a heartbeat and expect DH to take over the finances? Being a single earning household is much harder in DC. You realize stable jobs in most cost of living cities is what most of DC is chasing right?

What industries are you and DH in?

If you're really looking for something to do -- why not start a business? You seem to know your area and small towns often have a need for something since they are not as built out as the suburbs that are right outside big cities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should have screened you properly before marriage. But since he did not, I would advise him not to leave his secure, nice paying job in an area with a low cost of living just because he is being nagged by his wife. I would advise him to find something else to occupy your time. Whether that be a job, starting a business, or even focusing on your child.

But the chances are it is a lose lose for him, because no matter what, you will find something to complain about. If he finds a new job in an area with a higher col you will be mad that he doesn't make enough and that even with your pay you still feel stressed and a little behind. At least staying but allows him to maintain a nice financial balance.

If you feel held back by your DH, then by all means set yourself free but don't go whining about how mean your DH is. Good luck with that.

Your post is a nice example of another lose-lose scenario: (a) your post as a quick, off-the-cuff response vs. (b) your post as labored & thoughtful response. Some people might say that (a) is worse, others might say (b) is. I can see the merit in both perspectives, but here's my take: once you exhibit a certain level of malice, does it matter if your malice is a level 8 or a level 9 (on a scale of 1 to 10)? Not a really meaningful distinction. Either way, it's lose-lose: you have to endure, well, you, and so does everyone around you.

[Anonymous]

Depends on your industry. Our streets are not paved with gold and there's a lot of folks here that would trade with you. If you can afford 700k us for a nice close in house with ecent schools and still eat, drive and save then maybe it's possible.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Your husband should have screened you properly before marriage. But since he did not, I would advise him not to leave his secure, nice paying job in an area with a low cost of living just because he is being nagged by his wife. I would advise him to find something else to occupy your time. Whether that be a job, starting a business, or even focusing on your child.

But the chances are it is a lose lose for him, because no matter what, you will find something to complain about. If he finds a new job in an area with a higher col you will be mad that he doesn't make enough and that even with your pay you still feel stressed and a little behind. At least staying but allows him to maintain a nice financial balance.

If you feel held back by your DH, then by all means set yourself free but don't go whining about how mean your DH is. Good luck with that.[/quote]

You're jumping to divorce? Bad, bad advice. What they need is to talk about priorities and paths to happiness, investigate compromises, make plans and get a way for all parties to grow. Counseling or financial planning maybe, but not divorce. Step back from jumping the train and think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should have screened you properly before marriage. But since he did not, I would advise him not to leave his secure, nice paying job in an area with a low cost of living just because he is being nagged by his wife. I would advise him to find something else to occupy your time. Whether that be a job, starting a business, or even focusing on your child.

But the chances are it is a lose lose for him, because no matter what, you will find something to complain about. If he finds a new job in an area with a higher col you will be mad that he doesn't make enough and that even with your pay you still feel stressed and a little behind. At least staying but allows him to maintain a nice financial balance.

If you feel held back by your DH, then by all means set yourself free but don't go whining about how mean your DH is. Good luck with that.

I enjoy my life and am not complaining about it. However, 1) My career has been the sacrificial lamb in our family; and 2) The schools here are really not good.

And what about my financial balance? If my husband was gone tomorrow I'd left unemployed and with a multi-year gap in my resume and behind in my skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little kid doesn't require the constant stimulation of a city. A child's imagination and mental and physical and emotional growth can all be stimulated with a cardboard box in an empty field.

Not a little one. When they're growing up and find themselves in empty fields with local country kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand PP who are saying OP should just suck it up and not work. She moved for DH's job; why can't he move for hers? Compromise is a 2-way street.

That said, OP, you gotta look at all the variables. You say schools are better here? That depends on where you can afford to buy. Then you have to consider traffic, crime, etc., and it's not a given that QOL woul be better in DC.

she didn't say that. Maybe she did, but she doesn't say that in the OP.

Actually I did that too. I left one career path behind when we had to move because of his job and another career path when I had the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- say you can get one of these jobs in DC in a heartbeat, would your DH be able to get a similar position to what he has now in a new city or would you be the primary breadwinner? I would think long and hard about DH giving up a stable job in a low cost of living city in order to move to DC -- unless he can get a similarly stable job with a MUCH higher salary. What would happen when/if you had child no. 2 -- would you quit that job you got in a heartbeat and expect DH to take over the finances? Being a single earning household is much harder in DC. You realize stable jobs in most cost of living cities is what most of DC is chasing right?

What industries are you and DH in?

If you're really looking for something to do -- why not start a business? You seem to know your area and small towns often have a need for something since they are not as built out as the suburbs that are right outside big cities.

We're in IT. And yes, he can find a high salary job in DC.