mother investing a lot into expectations

[Anonymous]

My mother just retired at the age of 60 and when I asked her what she and my father plan to do since he's already retired, she said she wants to create a baby room in their house for my baby, who is due to arrive later this fall. I was kinda hoping she'd say they were booking some terrific trips abroad and looking to buy a summer home in Florida but they plan to stay put and plan for the baby. I'm thrilled she's excited, but there are two things that are worrying me here. First, DH and I are planning on moving a few states away by next spring, and second, we really don't intend on spending every other weekend at my parents' house, which my mother seems to think we'll do because that's what her friend's sons and daughters with children all do (in fact, it turns out that one of her friends gave her this whole "grandma's house baby room" idea). DH and I have always been a couple who prefers to spend most of our weekends doing our own thing and I know the last thing he wants to do is spend his weekends amusing my mother. They get along fine enough but there are probably 100 other things he'd rather do than devote entire weekends to visiting my parents. And visiting them usually consists of sitting in their living room for hours waiting to go out to dinner (same restaurants we don't even like much). His parents are quite the opposite. Both are a little older than mine and retired but travel A LOT and and never bug us for more than the holidays and an occasional visit. They're not in the process of creating any baby room, either. They're happy to have another grandchild on the way, but they're also very, very busy people in their late-60s who don't expect us to give them a reason to live.

[Anonymous]

Whatever. Just tell her that you expect that your family will visit them every other or every three months or whatever your reality is, and let her take that info and do what she wants with it. If she wants to create a baby room for a baby that will spend a weekend there 4 times a year, then that's lovely of her. She'll have to manage her disappointments that it's not four times a month.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to find a happy medium between her over involvement and her underinvolvement.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I wish there was such a thing as a retirement therapist. When she finds out we're moving over the next several months she's probably going to lose her mind and tell me I'm a horrible selfish person who will ruin my child's (really, her, grandma's) life. She's already suggested that we should move closer to them for "our own convenience" and of course, the fabulous schools in a place we can't afford. This will be her first grandchild, so I get the over-enthusiasm. She comes from a world where all relatives lived within 5 seconds of each other and were more or less up in each other's business. I will probably just sit back and let her do whatever she wants in terms of baby prep-- it's all her time and money after all.

[Anonymous]

How far do you live from her now (by car) and how far will you move (by car)?

[Anonymous]

Is there a reason you haven't told her you're moving? Obviously you don't want to hear about it for months, but it feels sort of sad to me that she's planning this big baby room and you guys are moving. Don't get me wrong...I totally sympathize with you!!!!

[Anonymous]

I would tell her you're moving sooner rather than later. What are you gaining by keeping this a secret? Especially if she is spending time and energy making a baby room.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should decide on moving until you have been a mom for a bit. Read a few daycare/nanny/childcare threads and you may find yourself wanting to more closer.

[Anonymous]

I get not wanting to visit all of the time. But it is down right mean, not to tell her you are moving, knowing that she is spending money for a babys room. Thats just rude. Tell her, and deal with the fallout, but dont make her waste her money, give her the option.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We live about 2 hours away now, and will be moving to about 10 hours away, both by car.

The reasons we haven't told her yet is that the move isn't 100% definite and we don't want to put something out there that's not signed, sealed, ready to go, and I know from experience, if I do tell her we're leaving, I will never hear the end of it and I don't feel like being brow-beaten through the next five months of my pregnancy and being called all sorts of things by her as well as by my father who will accuse me of being an ungrateful daughter and "hurting" my mother. These are not people who take a breath and say, "ok, that's life" but go nuts until they get their way or allow themselves to lose an argument but include a few vicious last lines. I've already told her once not to buy all that stuff as we will have transportable equipment that we're happy to bring along, but she won't listen.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. FWIW, my grandparents never had baby rooms for me, my siblings and cousins and they were still great. All of that stuff was on my parents. Is this a new babyboomer thing or something?

[Anonymous]

I would still tell her that you are likely to move so she doesn't buy all that extra stuff.
You guys might actually like spending more frequent weekends with them since hopefully they would give you a chance to sleep in and relax a little bit, a very small baby is tough and any extra hands were helpful to us at that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. FWIW, my grandparents never had baby rooms for me, my siblings and cousins and they were still great. All of that stuff was on my parents. Is this a new babyboomer thing or something?

Not new at all. My grandparents were involved in my life growing up as were the grandparents of many of my friends. My mom put baby stuff into one of her bedrooms so when my kids stayed over they had a kid friendly room to be in. You seem to not really want any contact with them at all, as you obviously can't stand them as people. That is more abnormal than having having grandparents involved. It sounds like you are glad you are moving far so you don't really ever have to see them so this is only a brief period where they might expect to see their grandchild - maybe you could put up with a brief monthly visit until you move although that might be even harder for them to meet their grandchild then not get to maintain any type of relationship after you move.

[Anonymous]

Actually, OP, I almost feel like you yourself need to soften your expectations as well. Your case to want your own space is an absolute valid one. On the other hand, babies have this most amazing way of turning things inside out regardless of what is initially wanted or envisioned. Even living 10 hours away, the irony may be that once your baby arrives you may want or even need your mother's involvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should decide on moving until you have been a mom for a bit. Read a few daycare/nanny/childcare threads and you may find yourself wanting to more closer.

agree with this post. My parents live 2 hours away by car, my ILs on the other side of the country. I had envisioned my parents being actively involved, and they just aren't. Kind of breaks my heart. My ILs see my kids more, sad but true considering the geography. While it would be great to have a local family member to help out in a pinch, it would just be so nice to have one of my parents actively and regularly involved, able and willing to come to events, celebrations at our house, maybe just for dinner. I envy people who have grandparents who want to be involved, they don't know how lucky they are.

Maybe at first you think you won't want much involvement, and then you start to get burnt out, miss alone time with DH or just alone time by yourself! Having an involved grandparent may mean they would watch the baby overnight, give you a break, without it having to be such a big deal or a production. Think of great it would be for your children to have a close grandparent relationship. Think of having support. It may not be as bad as you think!