I need my parents to step up and make big choices on their own
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Anonymous
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For as long as I remember, my parents, particularly my mother, could never make choices without someone else's blessing or recommendation. Even when she goes to restaurants, my mother can't even choose a meal without scratching her head over it for 15 minutes. What I've come to realize is that their behavior isn't only a sign that they are just extremely risk averse-- everything is a big deal and it's better to keep the status quo than change something-- but that maybe they're just really poor decision makers. This behavior has led them down the wrong path a few times already, particularly regarding my grandparents' care. Rather than research assisted living homes, they listen to their friends and go running in circles when they should be visiting homes and interviewing directors.
She's pulled the same thing with less important decisions like booking hotels. It's literally taken her months to book a hotel to visit me and my siblings or just take a trip with my father for fun. If it weren't for that fact that my parents have been this way all of my life, I'd think this was just a sign that there were getting very old and vulnerable. Does anyone have any advice for how I can kind of push them out of this weird nest they've created for themselves? I've tried telling my mom that she needs to make certain choices based on her own research, for example, booking a vacation to a place they've never visited, but she ends up just not making a choice and going nowhere, or going to the same places over and over and over again. My father just goes along with it as any time he makes a decision that isn't "correct" she pitches a fit. |
Anonymous
| MYOB |
Anonymous
| OP here. A big reason why this is bothering me so much now is that I have a baby, a little helpless infant, on the way, and I really don't need to be dealing with my parents-- both educated, functioning members of society-- playing helpless as well and driving me crazy over what car rental agency is better. |
Anonymous
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Jsut refuse to engage on those type of discussions. This isn't your problem. She's been this way your whole life, and you can't make anyone change. All you can do is control your response.
So ignore her crazy, and if she misses out, she misses out. |
Anonymous
If she wouldn't call me about all of these decisions asking for advice she never takes-- I didn't realize I was a social worker/travel agent/computer expert rolled into one-- trust me, I would! |
Anonymous
Either step back and refuse to get involved, or give them two choices. If they don't choose either one or keep waffling, step back and refuse to get involved 
This is what DH and I do with one of our best friends, who is intelligent but a perfectionist, and agonizingly indecisive. Your parents are only going to change for the worst as they become elderly. I have seen this with my parents - all their quirks just become more so! |
Anonymous
OP here. I know, and that's exactly what I'm afraid of. They're not getting any younger and they've been waffling for years about moving into a smaller, more manageable home such as a condo. In the meantime, their house lost a lot of value due to the market and it's becoming more and more cluttered because she can't even decide what paperwork belongs in the garbage and what doesn't (yes, it's ok to throw out a medical bill from 5 years ago if it's all paid up). |
Anonymous
| She isn't going to change at her age. Either accept her and love her for who she is or not, but you can't change her any more than you change anyone else. Not everyone will approach life the same way you do. I found that when I really took the time to talk to my mom and find out what events in her childhood and in her early adult life contributed or caused her quirks, I became a lot more understanding of who she was and how she became that person. It made me appreciate the opportunities I was given vs what she was given. In other words, walk a mile in her shoes... |
Anonymous
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OP, my mother is the same, except she does not ask me for advice- but it's painful to watch her health deteriorate and her home clutter and grow old and things in it break down.
I try to help her by buying or repairing stuff for her here and there- but it just gets lost in all her orderless, strange way of living... No advice, just commiseration. If you can sell their place and put them in assisted living, do it, but my mom doesn't let me make any decisions. |
Anonymous
| My grandmother was this way. She could not make a decision about her house and it fell in around her. It was sad. All the little things they have difficulty deciding I would let go. But I would help them with a plan for their living arrangements because it will get harder and harder as they get older. |
Anonymous
Empower her. "Sorry Mom, the baby is starting to wake and need to go help her. You're smart and educated - I bet you can Google to figure it out. Good luck, bye!" Click. |
Anonymous
OP, how much of the problem for you is the fact that they can't make choices, and how much of the problem for you is the fact that they turn to YOU for advice and help? In other words -- if they were to stop driving you crazy asking your opinion about these things, could you then learn to be OK with the overall fact that they dither like this? I hope you can see the distinction I'm making there. You cannot change them. It's clear from your original post that you would love to change them, and from the follow-up above I sure can see why -- you'd rather they let you get on with being a parent than that they lean on you like this, especially since otherwise they are not infirm etc. But you can't change them; you can only change your reaction to them. That has to be your new mantra: I can only control my reaction. "Mom, I'll be glad to see you whenever you come. Just let me know the dates when you set them." Instantly change topic. "I'm sure whatever you decide will be fine." Change topic. Or alternatively, and only when essential for something like their visiting you: "Mom, I have booked the following hotel for you..." Give details, give them again in writing. Then change topic. Either refuse to engage or in some cases that matter to YOU (namely, their visits to you), preclude all the dithering by making some decisions for them -- like booking a hotel for their stay. (You can always cancel if need be, but it means they don't have to waffle around picking one. But take care that your decisiveness over a hotel for a visit doesn't make them think you're going to take other decisions for them!) By the way, refusing to engage does not mean talking through their problem, asking "Why can't you make a choice" or even using complimentary approaches such as "You're intelligent, you can do this yourself." It means simply not allowing yourself to participate in any discussion that involves their asking you about this or that choice, or any discussion where mom carps about dad's "wrong" choice or dad vents about mom's carping....Change the topic. The baby gives you a great subject for discussion. Be very noncommittal about everything else. |
Anonymous
OP, you're going to have to face the fact that simply because you are pregnant, you are not suddenly absolved of all other responsibilities in life. So your parents have annoying habits of indecision.... So what? Why does having a child yourself change this? Lots of us have kid's and still manage to do a lot of heavy lifting where our parents are concerned. It's just part of life. My MIL is a complainer so I do understand how annoying it can be but really it's a lot better thansome of the alternatives at this stage of life. |
Anonymous
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OP, it actually sounds like your parents are just living their life like they have been all your life. This isn't their problem, this is a problem you have. They clearly are fine with their life but you don't like it. You need to either change your expectations or just accept them. Their clutter isn't your problem. Their decision about their parents may not be what you think it right but they do.
You are going to be a parent soon. My guess? You will be just as annoying to your kid(s) when you are their age. |
Anonymous
The point is that choosing a rental car agency/hotel/whatever for her parents ISN'T OP's responsibility. While she may have tolerated this nonsense previously, now that she has a child she is less inclined to coddle functioning members of society. OP - do what a PP said - tell your mother she can do it, and don't help. She'll either do it, or now. Save your participation for big things (the house issue seems to be one of those). |