Reply to I need my parents to step up and make big choices on their own

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. A big reason why this is bothering me so much now is that I have a baby, a little helpless infant, on the way, and I really don't need to be dealing with my parents-- both educated, functioning members of society-- playing helpless as well and driving me crazy over what car rental agency is better. [/quote]

OP, how much of the problem for you is the fact that they can't make choices, and how much of the problem for you is the fact that they turn to YOU for advice and help? In other words -- if they were to stop driving you crazy asking your opinion about these things, could you then learn to be OK with the overall fact that they dither like this? I hope you can see the distinction I'm making there.

You cannot change them. It's clear from your original post that you would love to change them, and from the follow-up above I sure can see why -- you'd rather they let you get on with being a parent than that they lean on you like this, especially since otherwise they are not infirm etc. But you can't change them; you can only change your reaction to them. That has to be your new mantra: I can only control my reaction.

"Mom, I'll be glad to see you whenever you come. Just let me know the dates when you set them." Instantly change topic.

"I'm sure whatever you decide will be fine." Change topic.

Or alternatively, and only when essential for something like their visiting you: "Mom, I have booked the following hotel for you..." Give details, give them again in writing. Then change topic.

Either refuse to engage or in some cases that matter to YOU (namely, their visits to you), preclude all the dithering by making [i]some[/i] decisions for them -- like booking a hotel for their stay. (You can always cancel if need be, but it means they don't have to waffle around picking one. But take care that your decisiveness over a  hotel for a visit doesn't make them think you're going to take other decisions for them!)

By the way, refusing to engage does [i]not[/i] mean talking through their problem, asking "Why can't you make a choice" or even using complimentary approaches such as "You're intelligent, you can do this yourself." It means simply not allowing yourself to participate in any discussion that involves their asking you about this or that choice, or any discussion where mom carps about dad's "wrong" choice or dad vents about mom's carping....Change the topic. The baby gives you a great subject for discussion. Be very noncommittal about everything else.

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