I need my parents to step up and make big choices on their own

[Anonymous]

Ok, a lot of the behavior sounds maddening, but I don't get why you can't recommend/pick a hotel in the area that you live for them. This is an area where it seems you would likely have superior knowledge. For other decisions, let them either figure it out or not, and have them live with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. A big reason why this is bothering me so much now is that I have a baby, a little helpless infant, on the way, and I really don't need to be dealing with my parents-- both educated, functioning members of society-- playing helpless as well and driving me crazy over what car rental agency is better.

What you need is to set boundaries. This is honestly more about you than about them. Stop enabling their helplessness - it is NOT your job to help functioning adults make decisions, and you need to examine why you think it is. Accept that they make decisions differently than you. Learn how to deflect their requests for help. I went to therapy for this - it's basically co-dependency - and it's made my life so much better.

[Anonymous]

Your mom has an anxiety disorder...I guarantee it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom has an anxiety disorder...I guarantee it

I'm guessing OP does too - and I speak from experience. My family dynamic sounds quite similar.

[Anonymous]

"you can't make anyone change. All you can do is control your response"

+

I'd deflect stuff like the menu choices and try not to let it get to you. If they ask for a hotel rec, give one and then say you have to go, busy w/the baby or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For as long as I remember, my parents, particularly my mother, could never make choices without someone else's blessing or recommendation. Even when she goes to restaurants, my mother can't even choose a meal without scratching her head over it for 15 minutes. What I've come to realize is that their behavior isn't only a sign that they are just extremely risk averse-- everything is a big deal and it's better to keep the status quo than change something-- but that maybe they're just really poor decision makers. This behavior has led them down the wrong path a few times already, particularly regarding my grandparents' care. Rather than research assisted living homes, they listen to their friends and go running in circles when they should be visiting homes and interviewing directors.

She's pulled the same thing with less important decisions like booking hotels. It's literally taken her months to book a hotel to visit me and my siblings or just take a trip with my father for fun. If it weren't for that fact that my parents have been this way all of my life, I'd think this was just a sign that there were getting very old and vulnerable. Does anyone have any advice for how I can kind of push them out of this weird nest they've created for themselves? I've tried telling my mom that she needs to make certain choices based on her own research, for example, booking a vacation to a place they've never visited, but she ends up just not making a choice and going nowhere, or going to the same places over and over and over again. My father just goes along with it as any time he makes a decision that isn't "correct" she pitches a fit.

You can't. They are adults, and have apparently been like this their whole lives. They will only change if they want to. You need to stop worrying about their decisions when they don't directly affect you. If they can't plan a vacation, they don't go on vacation. This is not your problem.

If they ask for help planning a trip to see you, you can suggest a hotel. Then let it go. Otherwise, if the conversation becomes about their inability to make a decision about something, just disengage. "I can't help you. You need to make that choice yourself." Then change the subject. Repeat endlessly as necessary.

The fact that you are having a baby is irrelevant, except insofar as its causing you to decide that you no longer wish to listen to your mom talk about how she can't pick a car rental agency. You can't control them, you can only control you.

[Anonymous]

YOU are going round-and-round. Not too dissimilar. Until their safety is a concern, you do not need to be entertaining all the blah-blah-blah. BUT you are. So if you want it to stop, then stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom has an anxiety disorder...I guarantee it

I'm guessing OP does too - and I speak from experience. My family dynamic sounds quite similar.

OP here. Nah, I wouldn't say I'm anxious at all. The hotel stuff is easy. I've been providing them hotel recs in my area for years and they still can't choose a hotel. Yeah, that's how they are. Maybe it's an attention thing.

Any anxiety I do have only rears its ugly head when I visit my parents and see the piles of paper and boxes of crap and old furniture going back 30 years in the basement (they've been talking about cleaning out forever) that unfortunately, will indeed become my problem if they don't make a decision, clean house and move because I and my siblings will be the only people around to help filter through all the stuff.

Thanks for the feedback, albeit harsh at times. Points taken.

[Anonymous]

OP, so would they let you sort out the papers and clean up for them? And then sell and buy?
I wish my parents would allow me to do this for them. It's maddening to watch that freak show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom has an anxiety disorder...I guarantee it

I'm guessing OP does too - and I speak from experience. My family dynamic sounds quite similar.

Sounds like a classic case of enabling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom has an anxiety disorder...I guarantee it

I'm guessing OP does too - and I speak from experience. My family dynamic sounds quite similar.

OP here. Nah, I wouldn't say I'm anxious at all. The hotel stuff is easy. I've been providing them hotel recs in my area for years and they still can't choose a hotel. Yeah, that's how they are. Maybe it's an attention thing.

Any anxiety I do have only rears its ugly head when I visit my parents and see the piles of paper and boxes of crap and old furniture going back 30 years in the basement (they've been talking about cleaning out forever) that unfortunately, will indeed become my problem if they don't make a decision, clean house and move because I and my siblings will be the only people around to help filter through all the stuff.
Thanks for the feedback, albeit harsh at times. Points taken.

I have this anxiety as well with respect to my inlaws. My husband would really like them to sell their now-too-big house and move into something that's easier for them to take care of, and I just think it's never going to happen and we're going to get stuck dealing with all their junk. But there's no point in worrying about it until it happens, and there's nothing I can do in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

see the piles of paper and boxes of crap... that .. will indeed become my problem if they don't make a decision.

Here is how this actually plays out. WHEN it becomes you're problem, you also have the power. You rent a dumpster. You get rid of the crap. It will be much easier than you think. Do not waste time while they are alive or well, worrying about it.