SIL hates me

[Anonymous]

My husbands brother is recently married. The girl, let's call her Jane.

I wanted to welcome her to the family and be nice to her. For her bridal shower, I spent a lot of money, around 600 dollars as is normal in our ethnic background, it's not uncommon. Her sister spent around $50, her sister is in her 40's. We both got her china. When she opened the presents at her shower, she opened mine and said "SIL got me some china" and didn't even look at it. Then she opened her sisters and said " my sister got me so much of my china ( it was a salt and pepper shaker)", she went on and on about it, even exagerrating what she bought. I felt she was ungracious and cold have a least looked at what I got her.

Then at her wedding, she sat me with strangers. DH was the best man, she didn't seat me with family like my MIL. I felt very awkward. I think she was being passive aggressive. She has all the family at the family table except me and there was room at the table.

[Anonymous]

HUH?

[Anonymous]

You can't change other people. For whatever reason, my SIL hates mates me too, and has wedged a divide between my brother and I. I did a lot for them, especially when they had their first child - I was there day and night for weeks. I did anything and everything to help them out, including making meals, running errands, watching the baby so they could get some sleep, cleaning up. I don't expect much in return but a hand once in a blue moon. A little kindness. That's it.

I've never said a bad word about her to anyone, except here, anonymously on the internet. She's passive aggressive and insecure, and indirectly snide. Leaves me out of "family" e-mails. But I ignore it all for the sake of "family." For whatever reason, she's discouraging my brother from talking to me (even though I've never ever said anything bad about her to him).

Some people are just truly awful. You have to live your own life.

[Anonymous]

Stop being so generous and keep your distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop being so generous and keep your distance.

Agree. Don't reward bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

With regard to the shower, perhaps her sister couldn't afford a more expensive present and she didn't want her to feel bad so she downplayed yours and showed appreciation for what her sister could give.

[Anonymous]

How old is she?
Honestly, it does not sound that bad, but then I did not experience this as you did.
As PP said, your SIL perhaps tried to save face for her sister by praising her gift and not yours. Also keep in mind one very important truth: you can't buy love! Your SIL does not know how much you can afford or not afford, so a huge gift might not make her particularly grateful. It could even embarrass her if she thinks she cannot respond in kind.

As for the wedding placement, I know it was awkward for you, but could it have been an oversight or cluelessness?

I'm sure I must have made some social mistakes when I married into DH's family at 23, and I'm glad nobody held it against me.

Just back off a little. She may change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?
Honestly, it does not sound that bad, but then I did not experience this as you did.
As PP said, your SIL perhaps tried to save face for her sister by praising her gift and not yours. Also keep in mind one very important truth: you can't buy love! Your SIL does not know how much you can afford or not afford, so a huge gift might not make her particularly grateful. It could even embarrass her if she thinks she cannot respond in kind.

As for the wedding placement, I know it was awkward for you, but could it have been an oversight or cluelessness?

I'm sure I must have made some social mistakes when I married into DH's family at 23, and I'm glad nobody held it against me.

Just back off a little. She may change.

She is 27. Funny you say that she doesn't know what we can afford. She is always telling me what I can afford.
When we were looking at houses, there was a house up for sale, it was close to a million and she acted shocked when I said there was no way I could afford it. She said " of course you can afford it". Our spouses are business partners. She obviously thinks he is richer than he is or maybe she is comfortable with a massive mortgage.

Also she asked how big diamond was, and stupidly I told her. Then she told BIL her ring had to be bigger than mine. I found that odd. She also had bought the same car and furniture we have.

[Anonymous]

OP - Stop sharing information with your SIL and avoid contact with her. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

I don't think these two incidents are enough to determine that she hates you.

As far as the "China Incident," it seems to me this was about her sister, not you. You don't know what was going on with her sister. Her sister may have all kinds of feelings about the wedding and your SIL praising her small gift to the skies may be about that -- trying to deal with her own sister's jealousy, problems in their relationship, whatever. Sisters often have problems around weddings. It's about them, not you.

As far as the Wedding Table incident, again, not enough info to say that she hates you. This is so typically wedding stuff. I had a lot of dilemmas at my wedding about where to put people. There were a few "odd men out" and I had to try my best to put people together. Not everyone was at the best table possible. I felt bad but it wasn't a reflection on my feelings for the person. It's wedding planning.

[Anonymous]

Whatever the deal is, always be pleasant, do not tell her anything about anything, and keep your guard up. She sounds kind of insecure, possibly jealous, and may be trying to secure her position in the family and lower yours. I personally don't see the point of this kind of thing, but I've seen it happen a lot, especially in certain cultures.

[Anonymous]

I foresee a very unhappy rest of your lives if at least one of you -- and I'm guessing here it has to be you, since you posted and she didn't -- learns to stop keeping score.

You kept score over the bridal shower: You spent $600, her sister spent a mere $50, but you weren't gushingly thanked. That's keeping score. (and for all you know she had some reason to gush about her sister's gift -- they may be competitive, she may need to placate her sister, whatever. Why do you care so much?)

She had to know the size of your ring and she insisted on a larger one. That's keeping score on her part.

Looks like you have a lot of score-keeping ahead of you IF you choose to participate in it.

Unless SIL was a friend of yours before the marriage, and your friendship is now deteriorating based on these supposed insults she's given you, why are you so invested in her reactions? She's not a friend, and unless you are forced to see and interact with her all the time, just let it all go. When you do see her, keep the conversation neutral, and if she asks questions about what you have and what you can afford, switch the subject. It is crass of her to focus on your ring or what house you can afford, but it's also frankly silly for you to worry this much about her. Unless you and your brother are super-close and she's going to be in your face very frequently -- forget about it.

You cannot change her; you can only control your own reactions to her. Why choose to be angry and offended? Choose to laugh at her materialism. And choose never, ever to keep score. When you give a gift expect nothing in return in thanks or gifts and you'll be fine. Give only what you really want to give, not what culture or custom dictates. Treat her well, thank her for things, and don't share information. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?
Honestly, it does not sound that bad, but then I did not experience this as you did.
As PP said, your SIL perhaps tried to save face for her sister by praising her gift and not yours. Also keep in mind one very important truth: you can't buy love! Your SIL does not know how much you can afford or not afford, so a huge gift might not make her particularly grateful. It could even embarrass her if she thinks she cannot respond in kind.

As for the wedding placement, I know it was awkward for you, but could it have been an oversight or cluelessness?

I'm sure I must have made some social mistakes when I married into DH's family at 23, and I'm glad nobody held it against me.

Just back off a little. She may change.

She is 27. Funny you say that she doesn't know what we can afford. She is always telling me what I can afford.
When we were looking at houses, there was a house up for sale, it was close to a million and she acted shocked when I said there was no way I could afford it. She said " of course you can afford it". Our spouses are business partners. She obviously thinks he is richer than he is or maybe she is comfortable with a massive mortgage.

Also she asked how big diamond was, and stupidly I told her. Then she told BIL her ring had to be bigger than mine. I found that odd. She also had bought the same car and furniture we have.

I'm the poster you quoted and I recant - she sounds awful!!! BUT, like PP said, just be the bigger person in all this, stay polite and aloof, and do not engage.

[Anonymous]

I have 6 SILs. I only get along with 1 (and she is awesome)!

But I love, love, love my neices and nephews.

Keep your distance, be polite, don't start drama, it will pay off.

[Anonymous]

I have a SIL that is just as insecure, and mine acts out in nasty ways. It came to the point that we just had to cut her out of our lives. My husband still talks to his brother, but we never get together as families. Best decision I've ever made. Sorry to tell you, but if she is like this now, it will likely only get worse. When it does, just walk away.