13-year-old lies about homework - something deeper? need advice

[Anonymous]

My 7th grade son is very bright, does well on tests. He hates doing homework and is rather obsessed with video games including videos of narrated gaming (minecraft mostly, he's not interested in anything mature or violent). Although we don't allow screentime on weekdays, he doesn't have any other interests. And yet, he won't do his homework. And lately, he has started lying about whether he has homework, lying even to the teachers about whether he did the homework, and trying to weasel out of homework in a thousand strategic ways. He knows his grades suffer as a result but it doesn't affect him.

The backstory is that son has always struggled with anxiety. He has been in group therapy for a few years and he is on zoloft which helps tremendously to reduce his volatility. DS is glad to take the zoloft because he hates it when he loses control of his emotions and hurts somebody. So then the psychiatrist recommended ADD medication which also made sense in theory, but I don't see any improvement after a year of methylphenidate in doses gradually increasing. He has no friends in the neighborhood so I'm sure he's kind of lonely, though he often has a friend or two over on weekends. He's allowed two hours per weekend day of playing video games even if a friend is over; after that he has to do something else, preferably outside.

What's more, my DH and I are not very compatible and though we mostly get along we do fight on occasion, and many times the fights are about how to raise our son. My husband is also volatile and can be verbally bullying when frustrated. Our parenting styles are as different as night and day: he believes in applying pressure, long pep talks and the like, and monitoring the homework closely. I think that the boy needs to find his own mojo and we can't dictate his goals or how he should achieve them. Since DH travels extensively for work, I am left to implement the monitoring plan my husband insists must be followed, and i do. My son and I get along really really well and he is not resentful. But it just isn't working. For example, his assignment book showed no homework in history so far this week. Then today I get an email that he has not turned in his homework all week and another teacher calls to say he is disrupting a team project because he doesn't want to do his part.

I have been struggling with my son's issues for years now and I still don't know what to do. I don't think medication is the answer but individual therapy for him has not made any difference. I think the real problem is that his father and I need some kind of parenting advisor or coach, essentially a mediator to tell us what to do for our son to help him succeed.

Long story but does anyone out there have any similar experience or advice to share about a boy with low motivation?

[Anonymous]

OP here, should this have been posted in SN instead? or Relationships(non-explicit)? General parenting? I'm desperate for advice.

One thing I forgot to mention is we had him tested back in 2nd grade and he did aces EXCEPT in processing speed.

[Anonymous]

I have found 2 books to be helpful for me and my son who has similar issues (not lying about work, but just forgetting to write it down and wasting time and not getting it done).

1. That Crumpled Paper Was due Last Week-it helps with setting goals, creating a plan, etc.

2. Ending The Homework Hassle.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP. We fashioned our monitoring plan after John Rosemond's advice for the non-motivated kid in the later chapters of ETHH. I believe John Rosemond has the right idea for normal kids but for unmotivated kids I don't see it working very well. We use it nonetheless but it has not worked. The reward of screentime for getting assignments done is what I think led to the lying.
I'm going to check out the other book you mention, never heard of that one.

[Anonymous]

Can you try posting in the Older Children category to get more replies? Also, if your child may be gifted, check out the resources at sengifted.org from the group SENG. Gifted kids have a lot of emotional needs, including more problems with anxiety. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

John Rosemond is a fundamentalist Christian who advocates spanking, argues that psychology is evil (despite the fact that he touts himself as a psychologist), and supports a constitutional amendment to allow parents the freedom to raise their kids in whatever way they see fit. You're not going to get tips from him that are supported by empirical research.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=three-critical-elements-sustain-motivation

http://www.wimp.com/surprisingmotivation/

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks, I will look into these points. I didn't realize that JR is pro-spanking. Ick!!!

I'm beginning to think that as a 13 yr old my son wants and deserves more control of his life without us dictating with a lot of shoulds. Maybe he's bright but doesn't fit in a mold. Maybe he'll fail school but become an artist or work with homeless or at a 7-11. Who are we to dictate his life. That's kind of the direction I'm going, with the recognition that if he finds all these ways to avoid homework, maybe he's trying to tell us something about what HE wants. We should support and help but ultimately he has to decide whether he wants to succeed in school.

[Anonymous]

NP. I don't have kids, but I used to be one. I wasn't unlike this at his age and it is not uncommon. A little early to give up. If his father's approach is not working, talk to DH about agreeing to his plan for a set amount longer and if DS doesn't come around, it will be time for a new approach. I see "travels extensively" in the OP - that was true for me at that age and it really left a void. I don't know if that's part of the problem, but if it is, it may be time for a new job?

And do address these issues with a respected teacher. You are not the first parent faced with this. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks, I will look into these points. I didn't realize that JR is pro-spanking. Ick!!!

I'm beginning to think that as a 13 yr old my son wants and deserves more control of his life without us dictating with a lot of shoulds. Maybe he's bright but doesn't fit in a mold. Maybe he'll fail school but become an artist or work with homeless or at a 7-11. Who are we to dictate his life. That's kind of the direction I'm going, with the recognition that if he finds all these ways to avoid homework, maybe he's trying to tell us something about what HE wants. We should support and help but ultimately he has to decide whether he wants to succeed in school.

He reminds me a lot of my brother. My parents finally let him do his thing and he made it through school in an alternative program, made a mess of his life for the next 7 years, but it now on the right track. He needed to try a handful of things before he knew what he was really interested in. For awhile he was going to be a photographer, then a soldier, then a craft brewer, then a recreation specialist at a camp. Now he's moving back home to go to school for nonprofit management. It's still kind of a mess, but he is happier and getting by. I am the high achiever in the family and my personality just took what my parents were pushing. Let him go and find himself.

[Anonymous]

I am on a similar journey with my unmotivated 13 yo DS. He had the full psych-Ed testing last year. He is smart with extremely low executive processing. We found a program that could accommodate his special needs but still finding extreme low motivation to do homework, chores and generally low energy. He plays basketball and lacrosse but will never practice at home though we offer to play with him. Unless he has ha 10 hours of sleep and very particular foods, motivation is at a minimum. I know a llot of this is personality but I have been exploring a medical analysis. He just had a nutritional evaluation (urine/blood analysis) and it turns out he has several allergies. The most surprising one was dairy (and me a Midwestern mom) but also some green veggies that we have been putting in to his Morning smoothies. The really interesting results were that his body lacks several important amino acids and a genetic anamoly that impacts his Krebs cycle processes. There was so much more which we are treating with a combination of over the counter and prescription supplements. I am optimistic that we at least have a better starting point now. The DR explained to DS that he has a different kind of engine that requires some specialized fuel.

[Anonymous]

I'm a high school teacher. At our school, some of our students have behavior modification-type plans set up by the counseling department. Some of those plans include a daily check-in / signature with each individual teacher. The student has to write in the assignment and then the teacher initials that s/he agrees that it is accurate. If there is no assigned HW, the students writes "no homework" and the teacher signs.

I personally don't think that a 13 year old is mature enough to take charge of his destiny. A college student, sure-- 8th grader? Not so much. You want him to succeed so that he is a happy person- not to mention the fact that you don't want him to live in your spare bedroom into his 30s. Have you tried removing his video-game privilege until he goes a specified amount of time complying with school rules / policies and doing his best?

[Anonymous]

OP, have you tested him for a learning disability like dyslexia? He sounds a lot like my brother -- smart, but never wanted to do the work. Turns out the reading and writing were just very frustrating for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, should this have been posted in SN instead? or Relationships(non-explicit)? General parenting? I'm desperate for advice.

One thing I forgot to mention is we had him tested back in 2nd grade and he did aces EXCEPT in processing speed.

Please post in special needs, I think you will find more people with similar experiences. When you post, be more specific about the testing you had done. (Was it IQ testing? Achievement testing? Who did it -- pysch, neuropsych?) And be more specific about school problems -- what kind of grades on tests? just not doing homework? did he get better grades and have more school motivation when younger? How is his writing? If you did not do full psycho-ed testing (more than just IQ) you need to have it done. It will cost thousands, your insurance should pay for some part, but it is essential to getting a grip on what is going on. If you can't afford it, write the school say you want him to be evaluated for an IEP or 504 plan and they will have to do some testing at least.

From your description, your chid should qualify for a 504 plan or IEP at school. You will get more help on how that works in the SN forum. A kid with anxiety and/or ADD and slow processing should qualify for the following kinds of help at school -- extra time on tests, administration over multiple days if the extra time makes it very long, extra breaks, reduction in amount of work, daily monitoring in each class of a planner where your child is required to write down homework and have it signed by teacher and you sign that you have seen and homework is done, specific prompts to turn in homework, perhaps extra special instruction about how to organize class work for completion (that would come under an IEP), plus for anxiety he may need a Flash Pass to the nurse or some place he can chill out when he is anxious or someone to help him work thru anxiety.

FWIW, my child has a language-based learning difference and ADD/Inattentive with slow processing and executive dysfunction, but also has a high IQ. These kids often compensate until middle school or even later. All the while the anxiety builds up because they can see the difference between what they can do and what other kids can do. This gets internalized as anxiety, lack of motivation and the growing feeling that one is stupid. There is no amount of ADD or anxiety drug that is going to fix that. (I don't say that to minimize the effectiveness of meds, which can be great for many.)

The slow processing means that it takes your child longer to do everything. Can you imagine how that feels? My child is young but describes how frustrating it is that he is always the last to finish, that kids and the teacher are waiting for him telling him to hurry up, then when he does finish he has forgotten to answer part of a question or made a stupid mistake because he was hurried, etc.

Have a heart to heart with your son. Tell him you are worried about school and his grades and the lying. Kids tend to start lying when they know that the truth will be met with anger and big punishment. Think about this dynamic in your family - does it apply? The problem with lying is it doesn't solve a problem. Everyone needs to learn to tell the truth calmly (and hear it calmly), because you have to name a problem before you solve it. But, don't make it about him being a bad person and failing to self-motivate. Ask him what he feels in school -- are there things he doesn't understand, does it take him a long time, does he get distracted, is he bored, is he depressed, etc. Keep asking how it is for him and what he thinks is the problem. At the end of the conversation tell him you want to fix the situation and you will work on figuring out how to do that.

BTW, as in most parenting disputes you and your husband are both right. It is not a realistic expectation that your child will magically find his mojo on his own. Your husband is right that your son needs more monitoring, but you are right that the volatility and verbal bullying are not helpful. The monitoring needs to be done in a way that is positive and respectful and includes your son's participation. I think it would be great if you and your husband looked at the parenting/lecture series offered thru some of the local SN schools and attended ones on kids with ADD and anxiety/emotional issues. Lab School, Siena School and Stixrud Associates often have lectures. Bill Stixrud often lectures on motivation and is an expert neuropsychologist on kids with ADD and/or learning differences. If you and your husband look for expert guidance together maybe your fights will be less about who's right and more about what research-based solutions you have found that fit your child. You might also want to consider a coach or tutor who works with kids with ADD to help them build the skills to stay organized and complete work. Middle School requires a big leap in organizational skills.