Reply to 13-year-old lies about homework - something deeper? need advice

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, should this have been posted in SN instead? or Relationships(non-explicit)?  General parenting?  I'm desperate for advice.

One thing I forgot to mention is we had him tested back in 2nd grade and he did aces EXCEPT in processing speed.[/quote]

Please post in special needs, I think you will find more people with similar experiences.  When you post, be more specific about the testing you had done.  (Was it IQ testing?  Achievement testing?  Who did it -- pysch, neuropsych?) And be more specific about school problems -- what kind of grades on tests?  just not doing homework?  did he get better grades and have more school motivation when younger?  How is his writing?  If you did not do full psycho-ed testing (more than just IQ) you need to have it done.  It will cost thousands, your insurance should pay for some part, but it is essential to getting a grip on what is going on.  If you can't afford it, write the school say you want him to be evaluated for an IEP or 504 plan and they will have to do some testing at least.

From your description, your chid should qualify for a 504 plan or IEP at school.  You will get more help on how that works in the SN forum.  A kid with anxiety and/or ADD and slow processing should qualify for the following kinds of help at school -- extra time on tests, administration over multiple days if the extra time makes it very long, extra breaks, reduction in amount of work, daily monitoring in each class of a planner where your child is required to write down homework and have it signed by teacher and you sign that you have seen and homework is done, specific prompts to turn in homework, perhaps extra special instruction about how to organize class work for completion (that would come under an IEP), plus for anxiety he may need a Flash Pass to the nurse or some place he can chill out when he is anxious or someone to help him work thru anxiety.

FWIW, my child has a language-based learning difference and ADD/Inattentive with slow processing and executive dysfunction, but also has a high IQ.  These kids often compensate until middle school or even later.  All the while the anxiety builds up because they can see the difference between what they can do and what other kids can do.  This gets internalized as anxiety, lack of motivation and the growing feeling that one is stupid.  There is no amount of ADD or anxiety drug that is going to fix that.  (I don't say that to minimize the effectiveness of meds, which can be great for many.)

The slow processing means that it takes your child longer to do everything.  Can you imagine how that feels?  My child is young but describes how frustrating it is that he is always the last to finish, that kids and the teacher are waiting for him telling him to hurry up, then when he does finish he has forgotten to answer part of a question or made a stupid mistake because he was hurried, etc.

Have a heart to heart with your son.  Tell him you are worried about school and his grades and the lying.  Kids tend to start lying when they know that the truth will be met with anger and big punishment.  Think about this dynamic in your family - does it apply?  The problem with lying is it doesn't solve a problem.  Everyone needs to learn to tell the truth calmly (and hear it calmly), because you have to name a problem before you solve it.  But, don't make it about him being a bad person and failing to self-motivate.  Ask him what he feels in school -- are there things he doesn't understand, does it take him a long time, does he get distracted, is he bored, is he depressed, etc.  Keep asking how it is for him and what he thinks is the problem.  At the end of the conversation tell him you want to fix the situation and you will work on figuring out how to do that.

BTW, as in most parenting disputes you and your husband are both right.  It is not a realistic expectation that your child will magically find his mojo on his own.  Your husband is right that your son needs more monitoring, but you are right that the volatility and verbal bullying are not helpful.  The monitoring needs to be done in a way that is positive and respectful and includes your son's participation.  I think it would be great if you and your husband looked at the parenting/lecture series offered thru some of the local SN schools and attended ones on kids with ADD and anxiety/emotional issues.  Lab School, Siena School and Stixrud Associates often have lectures.  Bill Stixrud often lectures on motivation and is an expert neuropsychologist on kids with ADD and/or learning differences.  If you and your husband look for expert guidance together maybe your fights will be less about who's right and more about what research-based solutions you have found that fit your child.  You might also want to consider a coach or tutor who works with kids with ADD to help them build the skills to stay organized and complete work.  Middle School requires a big leap in organizational skills.  [/quote]

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