Step parent adoption- DIY?

[SarahandtheAteam]

I realize every situation is unique and that retaining a lawyer is recommended no matter what... but my husband and I would like to try to get this done ourselves and retain an attorney if we hit a point that we can't get past on our own.

the situation is this:
I got pregnant in 2005 in WA state. Bio (Putative, according to the attorney i had a free 30 minute consult with) Father left me high and dry around month 5 of pregnancy.
I moved to VA around 6 or 7 months pregnant, went through rigmarole that is the state benefit program and was required to file a child support case in order to attain benefits... and on top of that, was required to name any potential fathers of the child. I named one person- the actual bio father- and went along with life.
Had son in 2005, left the "father" section on the birth cert blank.
in 2006, got a notice (after not hearing from them since submitting my initial paperwork) from DCSE that they served Bio/Putative father with paternity test order. He does not show. Paternity has not been established.
Putative/Bio father has not paid a cent of child support/evaded contact
P/BF has never seen/had any kind of contact with son, who is now 7 years old.
I googled P/BF to keep track of him over the years and recently discovered he'd been jailed and held without bond, accused of molesting a 3 year old child he knew. He is currently still in jail.

SO. my questions: I have been reading the section of VA law code regarding adoption and i'm getting conflicting info on what would be considered "Legal Notice"- I've been told three different things- that we have to send him notice via certified mail (and if that is true, do we just mail it to the jail?? or is there an official route we have to take through the court system to do that?); the other information we got from Family Services is that all we have to do is run an ad in the local paper (here, or in AZ, where he is in jail?) for 30 days.

If we have to contact him directly via certified mail and he goes through with the paternity test and refuses to relinquish his paternal rights, how likely is it that the judge or whomever decides this stuff will simply say "too bad, we'll just relinquish them for you based on your history and current situation" and allow us to go through with the adoption uncontested? P/BF has had every opportunity to contact me- i kept the same email address for years in case he tried emailing me- not one email. i wish now that i hadn't shut down that particular email address,though i'm not sure how i could prove that he didn't ever email me or contact me in any way. it's basically my word against his. he has no proof to show he attempted contact, becaue he didn't ever try.

Another question- are we really going to have to submit to home inspections and evaluations?? My husband has been the only father my son has ever known- we met when my son was around 6 months old and we've been together since. We have a very stable family life, husband has been employed with the same company for nearly 15 years now, we own a home, he attends school, etc.

this is all i can think of at the moment. i'm taking a break from an hour long research session on the topic and my brain is mush at this point.

anyway, i realize this is long and detailed and again, i realize it'd be easier to go through a lawyer but... lawyers are expensive and we'd like to try to do as much of this on our own as possible. I appreciate any responses- thank you in advance!!

[Anonymous]

You have so many questions and a rather complicated situation. You really do need a lawyer. If you mess it up, you might jeopardize the adoption.

[Anonymous]

You do need a lawyer. Do not do this yourself. Imagine how hurt your son would be to find out when he's 17 that his stepdad who he thought adopted him is not actually his adopted dad, all because his parents were too cheap to hire an attorney and had too big egos to admit they needed legal counsel.

[SarahandtheAteam]

Anonymous wrote:You do need a lawyer. Do not do this yourself. Imagine how hurt your son would be to find out when he's 17 that his stepdad who he thought adopted him is not actually his adopted dad, all because his parents were too cheap to hire an attorney and had too big egos to admit they needed legal counsel.

thank you for your reponse!

i do want to say, though, that it has nothing to do with having a big ego- lawyers are simply expensive and require at least $1000 up front to retain. We do plan on retaining legal counsel if we need it, we aren't outright refusing to seek it.

[Anonymous]

With a living bio dad (jerk or no) you cannot proceed without an attorney. Really and truly.

[Anonymous]

SarahandtheAteam wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do need a lawyer. Do not do this yourself. Imagine how hurt your son would be to find out when he's 17 that his stepdad who he thought adopted him is not actually his adopted dad, all because his parents were too cheap to hire an attorney and had too big egos to admit they needed legal counsel.

thank you for your reponse!

i do want to say, though, that it has nothing to do with having a big ego- lawyers are simply expensive and require at least $1000 up front to retain. We do plan on retaining legal counsel if we need it, we aren't outright refusing to seek it.

Glad to see that. Then start saving your scheckles now so you can retain the lawyer who will help with the step-parent adoption so it's above-board.

[SarahandtheAteam]

ok, so i've been told left and right, up and down "You need a lawyer/ this is a bad idea/ don't even try to do this yourselves" etc.

I appreciate that feedback, but could anyone share with me *why*? because I personally would retain a lawyer. my husband doesn't want to. i have nothing to give him pause- my telling him "i don't WANT to do this ourselves" does not do anything. i can't tell him exactly why i think we *should* retain a lawyer, other than "it's complicated/complex and better left in the hands of a lawyer.", which is not enough to convince him.

[Anonymous]

Your son's biodad could get out of jail and get unsupervised visitation.

Do you really need more than that?

[Anonymous]

++

At very least, pay a lawyer for a consultation and go w/your dh so you can get some good advice on how to proceed.

[Anonymous]

OP-tell your husband you hire an attorney because adoption laws vary by state, are tricky and even lawyers screw them up AND you have a HUGE complicating factor-the bio dad knows about your son. Please hire the attorney yourself if DH doesn't want to. This falls under the category, "Its what you don't know that kills you" or in your case, your son's well being.

[Anonymous]

He who represents himself has a fool for a lawyer and in your case, a fool for a client. You need legal counsel.

[Anonymous]

You need someone who specializes in adoption who knows the specifics on how to serve and make sure everything is properly done. You cheap out up front, it could end up costing you more in the end.

[Anonymous]

I did a step parent adoption myself without an attorney and it went fine. Went in front of the judge ourselves. The forms and process can be found online. The clerk of court could answer your question about how him being in jail effects the process. You can totally do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

00:10 Was the bio parent living?

OP, I cannot imagine moving forward without a lawyer. Doesn't your husband pay auto mechanics, doctors, accountants for their expertise? Do you have a will? Did you do that yourselves?

Is he even on board with the adoption? If so, why DIY?

What if the bio father decides to assert his parental rights? For all you know it could work in his favor.

[SarahandtheAteam]

Anonymous wrote:00:10 Was the bio parent living?

OP, I cannot imagine moving forward without a lawyer. Doesn't your husband pay auto mechanics, doctors, accountants for their expertise? Do you have a will? Did you do that yourselves?

Is he even on board with the adoption? If so, why DIY?

What if the bio father decides to assert his parental rights? For all you know it could work in his favor.

OP here, i'm not logged in. Husband is absolutely on board with the adoption- it is something he brought up once we started discussing a wedding. If something were to happen to me, he doesn't want son taken from him- he's been the only father my son has known, we met when son was 6 months old. son is now 7. so yes, he definitely wants to adopt him. he's just convinced we can do it ourselves.

bio father has been completely absent from before day 1 and is in jail for allegedly molesting a 3 year old. we looked up all the reports from the sheriffs office and such online- hes being held without bond because he confessed. has has recanted saying he was bullied into confessing. He's got at least 2 other children (that i did not know about prior to my whole situation with him, we found it out doing research on him) that he pays spotty child support to, i think only because he's had his veterans benefits garnished.

I know there is a chance we'll get a judge who says "well, this man still deserves a chance to be a father!" even though his history is complete crap. there is definitely the chance bio father will suddenly have a change of heart and use this paternity situation as a means to make him look good in his other situation (being in jail) in an attempt to show he's had a 'change of heart' or whatever.

Is there truly a risk of my son being taken away? he has no idea who his bio father is. If bio father showed up today, my son would have no idea who he is or what he wants. I have explained to him (because my husband and i got married last year and son still has my maiden name, while i have my married name and kept my maiden name as a second milddle name) the reason why our names are different for right now.

i know i'm being a bit difficult but i need to be able to show my husband the reality of what specifically could happen if we do this ourselves. I do really appreciate all of your responses, i truly do. Thank you for taking the time for me.