Boyfriend threw dirty shirt at my face in anger- not hurt but is this a red flag?
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Anonymous
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I have been dating my boyfriend for 18 months.
A few weeks ago, we were going out to dinner at a nice restaurant. He was wearing eh jeans and a t shirt. I noticed that the t shirt was oldish and quite stained. I said, "oh honey, your tshirt is stained, will you change into something cleaner? Maybe a polo or a newer t shirt?" I would say my tone was polite and even keeled but maybe a tad annoyed since we were running late. He was annoyed and grumbled and complaining but took it off in a huff. I said, "if you pass it to me, I will soak it to get the stains out." He then threw the tshirt at me, hitting me in the face with it pretty hard. It wasn't a poor aim or anything, as he was only five feet away. This launched into a verbal argument. He did not apologize about the shirt throwing until at least the next day, after I had comp,aimed a out it quite a bit. I wasn't physically hurt, other than my eye being a little irritated. But it still is leaving me with a bad feeling about it. For someone who is supposed to love you to throw something at your face does not make you feel great. Bkgd- he treats me well in many ways but can be moody/irritable. Is this not a big deal? I don't think he would throw anything harmful or heavy at me. I don't think he would have thrown something that would actually hurt me. But for some reason the feeling of having it hit me in the face keeps coming back to me. |
Anonymous
| Huge red flag. Do not have kids with this man. |
Anonymous
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Are you often critical of him and this was a long time coming? Or was it out of the blue?
People get fed up with criticism. But if out of the blue it's a little weird. |
Anonymous
| So, he felt antagonized about your request to appear clean and presentable in public with you? I guess in that instance, appearing attractive to you was not important to you: how do you feel about that? This aside, dealing with conflict by throwing things into your face is a huge red flag. Is this a relationship dynamic where he is pretty immature at times and you get put into the Mom role (doing all the cleaning, cooking, laundry). Perhaps that ways in which you take care of him make him feel inept, not nurtured based on his own insecurities. It sounds like your boyfriend needs some conflict management skills. He has some simmering resentments towards you.... |
Anonymous
THIS is the red flag. Just be cautious, because this ultimately probably will not work out - like 100% of all my past relationships before DH. Unless you just decide to settle and put up with it despite being miserable. I just couldn't stay forever with somebody who treats me like shit, even if it's only 1% of the time. I mean, DH has his moments, but honestly he never loses it and gets super angry. He just doesn't. And he would never throw anything at me or get in my face and yell or say nasty things to me or anything like that - ever. He never has. And we have been together for over 5 years. |
Anonymous
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Op here. Thanks for responses.
He is just as or more responsible than the typical male when it comes to stuff like cleaning, chores, grocery shopping, etc. he's usually quite good on those fronts. However, when it comes to dressing/hygiene he is kinda like a teenage boy. I have had to "work with him" on some body odor/hygiene issues, which is obv not a great dynamic for either of us. I don't want to "mom" him but sometimes he smells or is wearing something inappropriate (and I really don't care that much about clothes) or didnt want to brush his teeth before he goes to bed even if his breath smells etc. he has gotten a lot better but maybe he resents that but really I think the vast majority of women would have had an issue with this. So yeah maybe it is annoying to be "mommed" like that and that could be something to bring up with me n a convo....but to express it by throwing a shirt at me?...... |
Anonymous
| Op here. I should add that I've been in several other serious rships and have never been the type to tell guys what to wear etc |
Anonymous
| OP, I would not stay with this guy. For one, you're still in the honeymoon phase at 18 months. He can't keep himself hygienic this soon in the relationship? It gets worse, not better. Be prepared to learn to dodge flying objects forever... Or leave. |
Anonymous
| Thanks. I should add, I don't want to portray him as a totally smelly slob 24/7. Just more hygiene issues than most guys his age..... |
Anonymous
| Op again.... And he's gotten better.... |
Anonymous
| What did you do at the time? Did you continue on to dinner? |
Anonymous
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What did you do at the time? Did you continue on to dinner?
I think it's important in these circumstances to recognize the moment: "Okay, you just threw a dirty shirt in my face, after I made an offer to clean it for you. I think I'm going to go home now, because we both have a lot of thinking to do." And leave. |
Anonymous
Wow. You have more that enough information to know what to do. What prevents you from doing so? Or are you addicted to drama? |
Anonymous
| I don't think it's a big deal. He probably didn't think a shirt would hurt. It's. I like he wrapped a rock in it. He made a mistake. |
Anonymous
Agreed. Leave him. |