Grandma promised hair extensions for DD's 8th grade graduation

[Anonymous]

DD has straight As and perfect attendance all three years. However, we have been told that she will not be a speaker at 8th grade graduation due to a minor disciplinary infraction during a recent "town hall" assembly. She had on her earbuds (partly hidden by her hair) and was listening to a playaway book instead of the town hall presentation. Her argument was that it concerned the dress code because with the warmer weather some of the girls started dressing like skanks and she always dresses modestly so she didn't need to hear it. When a teacher came by, she refused to give the earbuds, but put them away. The teacher wrote her up for insubordination. we didn't even know it had happened until she came home crying that she couldn't speak at graduation.. Her father and I feel this is harsh, but a useful life lesson.
However, my mother-in-law wants to pet her up and promised a special treat for graduation day. She says that DD can get temporary hair extensions. We're unsure if this is appropriate for a 14 year old. She has a chin-length curly bob after donating hair to locks of love so I know she misses her long hair. Still?

[Anonymous]

Wow. Most moms would love it if their daughters were a little more like yours. Congratulations and Happy Mother's Day!

[Anonymous]

I think all the backstory is irrelevant. Relevant is only whether you think extensions are appropriate for a young girl. I personally do not, and would not put them in my hair, or my daughter's. But to each his own....

And I'm not exactly sure what my issue is with extensions, other than that they just seem...wrong, somehow. Tacky. Not to mention really expensive and unecessary. I'm sure someone will jump all over me for that, but that's the truth.

[Anonymous]

It's rude not to listen to a speaker, whether or not you feel the speech is relevant to your life problems. Does she understand that? Does she understand that she has to respect and pay attention to whatever the teachers and staff tell her to do, whether or not she feels they are justified? Does she know that insubordination is insubordination whether or not she feels she was justified?

I mean really, she was insubordinate. Why does she get a special treat for that?

[Anonymous]

I would not allow my 8th grade daughter to get hair extensions or to refer to other girls as skanks.

[Anonymous]

If grandma is giving the gift as a graduation gift, period, then it would be fine.

If grandma is giving the gift really because grandma feels bad that granddaughter was called out on a disciplinary infraction, and grandma is as you put it "petting her" over it -- then it would not be fine.

Is grandma openly and clearly tying the gift to the "poor you, you should be a speaker" situation, or is grandma saying to granddaughter only, "This is for graduation and three years of great work"?

If grandma has NOT yet tied the gift to the infraction in front of your daughter, then I'd talk to grandma about not doing so, and let her give a well-earned graduation gift; if grandma has indeed told your daughter that the gift is because grandma's sorry for her because she got caught disobeying....then tell grandma that's not going to happen, because a gift for that reason sends totally the wrong message.

If the issue is really that you don't like hair extensions -- that's totally separate from the issue of the disciplinary infraction and should involve a talk between you and your daughter.

I would talk to your daughter about the "it doesn't apply to me" part of the incident at school, though. (I bet you already have!) If it persisted, that attitude could get her into more serious trouble in the years to come, even though she's clearly a good kid.

[Anonymous]

Is DD the valedictorian or not? If not, she shouldn't speak at graduation anyway.

DD was rude to not listen (or pretend to listen) when someone was speaking. Public speaking is hard, and you should give the person the respect of at LEAST appearing to listen to them.

I would not allow my 14 yr old to get hair extensions.

[Anonymous]

The tradition at the school is that there are multiple (3-4) student speakers in addition to the official valedictorian. They have always been the few kids who had Straight & Perfect all three years. DD missed out on a number of fun opportunities and more than once went to school under the weather to achieve it. She was told that she was to be a speaker but her punishment was "If you can't listen to someone, no one will listen to you."
DH and I don't think that the infraction was worth this punishment but we are not appealing it because we do want her to see that she was wrong to refuse to give up the earbuds. My understanding is that this particular teacher has a reputation for throwing away earbuds she confiscates.
Grandma said essentially I don't want you to feel bad on your big day. So, yes, I think DD sees it as a consolation prize.
We don't let her have highlights or wear makeup although most of the 8th grade girls seem to at least wear lipgloss.

[Anonymous]

My 13.5 y/o wears hair extensions. You would never know it.

[Anonymous]

I think Grandma is trying to lessen the impact of a punishment that suits the crime. If DD doesn't have the maturity to listen to a speaker, she shouldn't be a speaker.

If Grandma wants to give DD hair extensions for graduation, I would allow her to do it, but after graduation, as a separate gift. Don't let her do it as some sort of way to pad the punishment.

[Anonymous]

By the way, if the teacher had ended up throwing away the ear buds, and you felt that was too harsh, you could have dealt with that -- by going down to the school, sticking up for her. You could explain to her that you deal with a too-harsh punishment after the fact, not before the fact. You don't pre-emptively decide that something is unfair.

[Anonymous]

OP, I give you huge credit for backing up the school even though you thought it was harsh. She'll learn a valuable lesson.

My rule is that if a child has been punished at school, that ends it and there shouldn't be additional punishment. So you shouldn't withhold the hair extensions as punishment. Nor should they be linked to the loss of speaking as a way to ease her hurt. That just rewards the bad behavior.

So I agree with the others that the question is, is it OK for her to have hair extensions. To me it sounds like a fun gift from grandma. She did work hard at school so there is something to commend here. But if you allow it, make sure it is completely unlinked to the previous punishment.

[Anonymous]

I am sayiing no because I do not think girls should wear extensions. She should mourn the long hair she gave up to Locks of Love and each time she mourns it be proud of her short hair because it MEANS SOMETHING.

[Anonymous]

Go kid! You are possibly raising someone who evaluates which rules she wants to follow rather than just giving in and going along. I dislike dress codes and feel that they are overly restrictive, and encouraged my kids to break rules if they thought it was needed, but to evaluate the punishment and see if it was worth it. She got her punishment. If Grammy wants to encourage a bit of healthy defiance, good.

[Anonymous]

I think there are some rather extreme responses on here. Just the simple issue at hand, I am assuming gma is buying clip in extensions. I have a set of them actually, but good ones are pricey (about 250 for my set, not synthetic), I have really thin hair so I occasionally pop a few pieces in for a thicker bun or ponytail, rarely wear them all, but have done that for special occasions with salon help. To look good, you might want a pro to put them in, but in the end I see this as just for fun. And you can get some colored single wefts for her I guess if she wanted a couple school color streaks or something. Before we get all "sooooooooooo tacky", blah blah. I think 14 is the time to not look like a mini-middle aged attorney, there are ways to do those little fun trends in age appropriate (really this IS the best age since they are kids) and fun ways.