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Need reality check/suggestions re Husband
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Anonymous
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We have one child, a baby, and we both are crazy about him. My husband has told me he feels like he has no time to think his own thoughts. He works a busy job, but his hours are not as long as mine, and he has a lot of autonomy about how he plans his day/where he works. He does have to work the occasional Saturday.
He brought up the “no time to think his own thoughts” this morning, and shut down after my response. My response was along the lines, you worked Saturday, I took care of the baby Sunday afternoon and evening (he “worked” in the garden and cooked, both of which he loves doing and finds relaxing), I am alone with the baby tonight because you are going out with friends (purely social, not work-related). The rest of the weekend we were doing things as a family. So I didn’t have corresponding time to myself. And he said, “that’s why I have trouble talking to you.” And stayed grumpy. Later in the morning, I tried to clarify, and asked what other “time to himself” he is looking for, because it seemed like he was getting time to himself, and I am not sure where we find more (meaning, tell me what you want, let’s figure it out). Which didn’t help, and I went to work feeling like crap, I think mainly from his “that’s why I have trouble talking to you,” which to me seems like such an unfair response. And I admit it, I want to say, “hellloooo, what about all of the time you are getting to yourself??? And what about me and my time to think???” but I don’t. Clearly I need a new way of dealing with this, and am hoping for some suggestions. I am always impressed by the thoughtful responses people give. We did couples counseling before the baby to help with communication. He’s now going to someone on his own who he likes, and I may go along at some point. In the meantime, I think I need to suck it up and adjust my expectations, and am looking for some good tips. |
Anonymous
| Sorry OP, that sucks. His response was ridiculous. Maybe he should talk to my DH who does the same crap. Goes to happy hour, plays sports, zones out on football then tells me he needs more time. For what? Please schedule time to go do something with your friends and get out of the house without the baby. I have not mastered how to deal with this yet but it does suck. At one point I actually approached DH's mother about it because I knew she would be supportive and annoyed with him. It is hard to be at home with a baby when the other parent does what they want. |
Anonymous
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my husband is totally onboard with me, so i can't really relate. but just to offer moral support: your husband needs to get over himself. you have a BABY. this is a kid-centric time. it won't last forever. it's not about HIM anymore. he needs to stop whining. tell him there is only room for ONE baby at a time in your house and you'll get back to him in about, oh, i don't know.....12 years???
he needs to grow up. |
Anonymous
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Welcome to the wonderful world of marriage after a baby. I'm a little bitter about the way this worked out in my marriage, so you have to take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt... make that a barrell of salt... and I know I am going to get a lot of crap for this post but so be it.
In my experience, you are about to walk the very difficult path between shrewishly demanding fairness in the child care arrangement in your home, or being a doormat and killing yourself trying to be superwoman. Please DO go to the therapist ( it is GREAT that he is doing this) he is seeing alone and let them know about this. See if they can give you any advice that will work for your specific situation and your husband's particular needs. The problem I see with my DH is that he conveniently believes, if he takes DD out to breakfast, that he's done his fair share of child care for the day, or possibly even the weekend. The fact that there are 12 more hours of child care in the day doesn't seem to really register with him. And hey, he's busy. He's mowing the lawn, changing the oil in the car, working on such and such a project, so of course I should watch the kids while he does all that right? And if I'm able to do the laundry and the dishes and the vaccuming etc. WHILE watching the kids, well what's the problem? And of course, Sundays are sacrosanct! I can't seriously expect him to watch a screaming infant while trying to watch football can I???? My DH is resistant to the following idea (of course) but a suggestion for you, while you can still "train" your husband: Make a schedule. Divide the weekend into shifts - three hours here for one of you, three hours together as a family there.... Be flexible, maybe you trade a shift for a task you want done, like mowing (or maybe you have him watch the baby for that shift and YOU mow the lawn?). Or maybe he trades a shift here for the game there. But you really need to quantify for him how MUCH time he is spending going out to socialize, spending outside "working" while you provide unlimited child care. If you don't do something about this now, you will end up unhappy and feeling like a slave to your family. If you "suck up and adjust your expectations", he will rise to your lowered expectations only. Trust me. This can be a very precarious time in a marriage as you both adjust to being not a couple, but a family, and the demands that go along with that. You're not as focused on him now, you're exhausted, what between work AND the baby, and maybe there's less sex going on? And he's feeling sorry for himself. Next thing you know you'll find he's texting some chick at work on his cell phone.... ugh. I hope you will take decisive action while you can. You have to be kind, loving, and also firm. Kind of like raising a child 
OK flame away everyone! |
Anonymous
| I won't flame. But I do think it's interesting that there appears to be a trend that moms find ways to do what they have to do WHILE watching the kid. And dads seem to have a harder time or a different expectation with that. |
Anonymous
Deja vu. Could have been me posting here several years ago. I now post a lot in the single mom forum, which frankly works for me. But...but, but, but... This is not to say your marriage is doomed. Just that often times I think that having a child together brings a ton of stuff to the surface in a marriage that you could have otherwise gone decades without dealing with. |
Anonymous
Yup. I can cook dinner, clean up, try to put laundry away, vacuum, amongst other various things. DH can do NOTHING while watching our toddler. He just does not get it. It makes me batty. I always ask him who he thinks is watching the baby during the day while I clean when he tells me he cannot do something. |
Anonymous
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All is so familiar to me too! But, after 19 months (and not one but two kids) - DH is finally getting it. It took several serious threats for divorce because I just refuse to play the traditional role of the woman cooks, cleans, and watches the kids (I have a very successful career). I used to get upset with his behavior (and resentful), until I realized it would simply easier to do it on my own. DH realized I was completely serious and that our children are OURS (thus him watching our kids is not doing me a favor, but he is fullfiling his role as a dad). Along those same lines, I stopped thanking him for watching the kids (again, not doing me a favor - they are ours). It took about 17 months of staying on his back about this, pointing out all of the things he does in his free time which he still can do (football, sleeping in, etc.) and he finally has made some changes... of course, he probably complains that I am a nagging b** but he still loves me Good luck and don't give in.
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Anonymous
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To the 11:48 PP, there's no reason to flame. In a morbid sort of way, it was very heartening to see such posts. This has been my experience exactly for the past 9 months since our first child was born. In fact, I seriously wonder about *not* having another one even though we had always wanted two. It's hard and I am learning to cope - using the divvying up method. Still, I am the one up at night (DS doesn't sleep through the night) - or doing the bulk of the baby stuff along with cooking and cleaning and working a fulltime, fairly high powered job.
The marriage isn't doomed, but it will take a lot of work. My husband blames the stress in our marriage on my mom, who stayed with us for the first 5.5 months after our son was born. Objectively, without her help, I am not sure how we'd have coped. I went back to work after 6 weeks and had peace of mind knowing my kid was in safe hands. DH didn't have to do a single_thing and spent his time with his work, or the occasional happy hour, or at the movies or wherever. I stayed up nights, worked fulltime, took care of the house, pumped, nursed, washed bottles, you name it. I don't think he realizes the stress that a new baby puts on a marriage. We were married for 8 years before we decided to have a baby, so DH had been the baby for all that time. Intellectually, he knew he was going to be "de-throned" from Babydom, but I don't think he understood the reality of it. When it hit, it was not pretty. So, yes, it's been hard - and I haven't yet been able to take a couple of hours to have a cup of coffee with a friend, but I had to leave DS with him while I went on an overnight business trip. The next day, DH called and apologized to me about not understanding how hard it was to even just get out the door in the morning with the baby. Apparently, I "make it look so easy!" Yeah, right. I didn't say anything. But things seem to have improved quite a bit since then. It's a work in progress. It's still hard for me to just leave the baby with him and go out, but I find he does at least say, "Ok, I'll watch the baby while you eat dinner." That's a FIRST! Hang in there. I don't know what to tell you, but it's little things. You know your husband the best - so figure out a way of talking to him where you sound like you're a team and not the nagging wife. In my experience, till I started doing that, no matter what I said, I was nagging him - or I was "hormonal." It does get better. But it takes work - at least in my experience. |
Anonymous
| I love how asking a man to watch his child or to do something around the house is nagging. |
Anonymous
Yeah, but one of my giant pet peeves is that my husband rarely spends time with our child without being on his laptop, blackberry, etc. Why can't he just sit on the floor and play trucks with her for a half hour? Then he insists that he wants to give me time to myself, and this is the only way he can do that for me. And I can't argue, 'cause he presents it as a sacrifice. |
Anonymous
| Welcome to Club Mommy -- newsflash: sometimes it stinks. As a FT working mom of 2 little ones with a DH who actually does his fair share in the child rearing arena, I've lately come to realize why my own mother enjoyed a glass of wine (or a bottle) every night -- b/c the reality is that the vast majority of the burdens ultimately fall on the Mommy. It is what it is. Here's what I suggest: tell DH that you agree that right now things are tough and parenting is very demanding -- and try to frame the conversation in a positive "we're in this thing together" way so that you two can move forward together as team. Accept the fact that there will be good days/weeks and bad days/weeks and get over it -- remind yourselves that you two are in this for the long haul. Figure out your individual strengths and weaknesses and try to divide and conquer the daily tasks. Accept the fact that no one thinks it's fun to change the poopy diaper of a wriggling toddler and that bathtime/bedtime/whatever will sometimes include meltdowns on the part of the responsible parent. Try to give DH time to himself and be sure to take time for yourself as well -- if you schedule it, then perhaps it will really happen (at least I keep suggesting this strategy to myself -- someday I'll get a moment to myself). |
Anonymous
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OP while I agree with you that he does seem to be getting "time" to himself and the fact that women are better at multitasking and managing household tasks while watching the kids BUT I want to comment on his saying that he has "trouble talking to you".
I know you feel overwhelmed and YOU would also like time for yourself and it seems like your husband gets more time than you but your response from what it sounds like when he said that he has no time to "think his own thoughts" is to turn the conversation about you instead of listening to him. You may think what he is saying is totally ridiculous but that is how HE feels and HE thinks and rather than invalidating that-- you should listen to him and try to come up with a plan together. That is listen to what he has to say and ask him what he means and how much time he needs and does that need to be separate from an activity that he is doing on his own and so forth. Imagine if you went to him and said the same thing.. that you needed more time.. and your husband turned around and instead started pointing out all the times that he thought you got a break rather than listening to what you were asking for... how would you feel. Wouldn't you want to shut down against such a person? I think it is more reasonable to acknowledge that yes it would be nice to have more alone time for him and for you and to come up with a schedule for it. Such as on saturdays while you watch the baby i will grocery shop etc etc and then take some time alone.. On sunday while you watch football (time alone) and cook dinner I will take care of baby. It seems to me that his expectations of free time and alone time have not changed now with a baby and that you both need an honest conversation about how time alone and time for household stuff etc needs to be allocated. |
Anonymous
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As a man I can certainly understand where OP's husband is coming from. Having a child is incredibly hard in that you go from having so much free time to having almost none.
Now of course there is a double standard in that men often get away with a lot more than women and burdens are unevenly distributed in many/most households. We are often more childish/selfish about these adjustments that have to be made. He needs to adjust his expectations and face reality, and you need to gently but firmly help him to do that. At the same time, you need to get what help you can afford to enable both of you to have some me time and together time away from the child. And as baby gets older you can do more fun things together/with the child. I certainly found looking after the baby extremely boring, but looking after our 2 year old much more fun. |
Anonymous
I have to add that my husband is the same way about the computer and blackberry and sometimes his idea to watch the kids is to have the kids 2 and 6 months watch TV while he does all of this. It annoys me to no end most of the time and actually several times when I walk in the room I see him shutting his laptop because he knows I will say somethig about it. BUT I have to remember that like many of us he was raised in a house where the father had the traditional role of taking care of the family rather than being a hands-on parent. My husband does his fair share of hands on parenting. Secondly, I think it is just that most women are better at multitasking and managing things in the house. I don't know why but even in the most helpful husband households (mine included) women always seem to be running everything. In my house I know it is simply because in many ways I like to do things a certain way and so everyone sort of follows that but that means I need to always giv explicit instructions. I guess what I am trying to say is that we complain when our husbands don't do enough adn we complain when the do something because it's not what WE want them to do. Why not tell them what to do. SO in this case tell your husband that while he is watching your daughter you want him to read these 3 books (pick them out and give to him) and to play for x number of minutes with whatever toys she is interested in. He may be better about that rather than saying... why don't you spend more time with her? Men need to be given directions if they don't know naturally what to do. |