looking to move and grandparents aren't happy
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Anonymous
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DH and I are looking to move to a smaller, cheaper city by next year after DC #2 arrives. For the past year, my parents have been assuming the role of difficult, meddlesome in-laws talking up how important it is that we stay in this region because of the schools and how the rest of the country is a mess solely based on news shows they watch. They sense that we're looking to move down south but they don't like it one bit because they live 3 hours away. They want us to stay put or move closer for their benefit because they refuse to leave their expensive neighborhood although they're retired. Honestly, I feel like they'd care less if DH and I bought a house and took on a huge mortgage out of our league in their neighborhood; all they care is that GC are nearby, even if means that Mom and Dad barely make ends meet and have to commute in traffic every day because that's just what my own father did.
It's gotten to the point where my mother makes comments like, "you two have good jobs, you can afford to stay here!" as if she's read our checkbook and credit card statements and knows better than we do what we need and can afford. Quite frankly, we're not looking to take on second, third jobs just to make things easier for my parents and keep the peace. The problem is we don't even want to stay here. We have other ideas for ourselves and children. The other night they called and again, pushed me for an answer on our plans as if we owe them an explanation. All I told them was was that DH and I are discussing it and will let them know what we're going to do based on our own needs and financial situation. My mother went into a tizzy fit upon hearing that and said we're going to make an awful mistake and that we better think long and hard about what we want for our children. Sometimes I wonder if this is just a sign that they're getting a lot older and with that less reasonable. |
Anonymous
| Stick to your guns, and your instincts, OP. It sounds like a move would make your family much happier. |
Anonymous
| We moved halfway across the country when our children were young. Do what's best for your own family, it's your decision. |
Anonymous
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Listen to her rants less. "Mom, you've mentioned your concerns already. I need you to respect that we will do what is best for our family, in our situation, and that may not be the same set of decisions you made." Then if she continues, hang up, and the next time she brings it up, cut her off. "Mom, I'm not going to discuss this with you anymore. You've said your piece, I listened, and that's enough."
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Anonymous
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Ugh. I see this in our future. My parents are 3 hours away and we get a lot of pressure to move closer. DH's parents are in the area and we will be in HUGE trouble if we move away. But we definately are starting to think more and more about moving away, and not necessarily closer to my parents (and, of course, if we DO, then DH's parents will think it's all about my parents, etc., etc.).
Hang in there, OP. I agree that you may have to get a little tough. You also may need to spell a few things out: "these are our priorities - A, B, C - and we will move to the right place for us based on those priorities..." Then be firm that the priorities are not up for negotiation. |
Anonymous
| Presuming your parents are retired, tell them they can move to the same city as you also if they want to be so close. |
Anonymous
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Do what you want to do (move) for sure.
However understand that much of her reasons and excuses is just them wanting to be near family. |
Anonymous
| Somewhat in a similar situation here. We would juuuuuuust about break even (if we are lucky) on our Fairfax townhouse if we sold now, but even then, that would leave us with no $$ to buy a new house. Yet, my mom keeps telling me, "Just put it on the market. . you never know!" b/c she wants us to move closer to where she and my dad live in McLean (where I grew up). I keep scratching my head at this "advice" b/c it is so nuts to me. She does not understand that if we sold this house now, WE WOULD BE HOMELESS b/c we cannot then afford a NEW one. Moreover, we are in a location where the Silver Line (phase II) will be down the street for us, but that is still at least 5 or more years away. So, no one in our neighborhood wants to sell now and everyone is sitting on their properties until (hopefully) there is a boost in the housing values when the Metro is complete (or when it's closer to being complete). My mom is basically the only person in the universe who keeps telling us, "I'd just put it on the market. You never know!" BANG HEAD AGAINST WALL. |
Anonymous
Are we sisters? My mother's answer to everything is "you never know!" particularly when it's 100% certain that it won't work. Drives me BONKERS. |
Anonymous
LOL. Maybe we *are* sisters! 
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Anonymous
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Would you be open to them moving nearby, once you move?
Damn, this thread is depressing. I picture myself old and alone, listening to the clock tick and The Skype calls to ring. What is wrong with you pp? Don't you get it, that family and grandchildren can mean so much to our aging parents? I'm only 32 but I'm ashamed for those who treat their parents like they're a nuisance. OP your mom wants her family in her life, and she is anxious so she is badgering you. Time for a sit-down talk. PPs with healthy parental relationships, go call your parents; they miss you. |
Anonymous
Well, I'm the PP whose parents live 3 hours away and DH parents are in the area. My parents have grandchildren who live on the same street as them, and also 5 minutes away. So while I appreciate that they also would like to see my children more, it's not like they are completely alone. We see them pretty routinely, about every 2-3 months, because we make the effort to travel to them and also make it very easy/nice for them to come visit us (LITERALLY - we built a house with a guest SUITE in it so that my parents can come visit.) My DH's parents have other grandchildren in the area, and they also have the means to travel to visit their grandchildren -- and, were we to move - again - we would come visit them regularly and we would make it attractive for them to come to us. So you can make a lot of very reasonable and appropriate efforts to have a close relationship with your parents - and sometimes it is actually THEY who are being unreasonable. |
Anonymous
And I am the one whose parents live in McLean and I live in Herndon. I am pretty sure that is close enough and that we see my parents just as much as they'd like us to, and, yes, if our financial situation were different, I'd move back to McLean in a heartbeat but come on, it's not the 70s anymore and McLean is just a wee bit harder to buy into than it was when my parents bought there so, that is the only issue ($$) that is preventing us from doing so. But sorry, I cannot make $$ magically appear to make 'rents happy! But hopefully, a mere 30 min. drive down Route 7 or the Toll Road isn't preventing us from seeing them anytime we'd (or they'd) like to! |
Anonymous
OP here. This is the problem I'm facing. DH and I do not want to end up ruining our own lives and ending up in financial dire straits just to make my parents happy, especially since his live pretty far away and aren't making unreasonable demands on us. Unless my parents want to give us a million dollars so we can live on the northeast coast in an expensive suburb and by a new car with good mileage, we're pretty much SOL. |
Anonymous
Your mom is complaining that you live in Fairfax and she lives in McLean? Seriously??? |