How to explain others not sharing to a 3 yo?

[Anonymous]

Standing playgroup at the playground. Mostly boys, 2-4 yo, plus 1 girl. Kid brings toy. Other kids ask for a turn. Kid says no. Prompts a lot of whining throuhout the morning from various kids, including mine, about why they can't have a turn.

So afterwards, my kid asks...

"Why doesn't he have to share?"

"It's always nice to take turns, but he didn't want to today. Sometimes, it can be hard to share."

"Then I'm not going to share because it's really, really hard."

Obviously, I didn't let comment go, but was just curious how you have explained this to your kid? Do you go with the "just worry about yourself, not what others do" route?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I do not force children to "share" what belongs to them.

[Anonymous]

"The rule in our family is that anything you bring to the park needs to be shared with others when you're done with your turn. But different families have different rules, and I guess in his family they do it differently. It was hard though, wasn't it?"

[Anonymous]

I heard one of my friends who does behavioral therapy with kids tells her own kids, "Sometimes kids say no" when her daughter asked another kid to share a toy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Good suggestions. Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not force children to "share" what belongs to them.

+1

I encourage my kids to find ways to do things together but also teach them that someone else's toy is just that. Kids don't have a right to force some other kid to give up their toy. If the other kid isn't done with it, that is the other child's right. My child moves on and plays with something else. I think forcing that kid to share because another kid is whining that he wants the toy teaches all the wrong things.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would your kid expect that another kid would have to share his toy? This isn't a preschool class with communal toys. It's the other kid's toy. Maybe it's new, or special or breakable or whatever. Yes, in theory he shouldn't bring toys to a playgroup that he isn't going to share, but maybe he had a tough time leaving the house. Maybe he wanted the security of his favorite toy. Or not. It doesn't matter.

Do not force kids to share their own possessions.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm not trying to force the other kid to share, I promise!! He's certainly within his rights to do what he wants.

For some reason, I was just having a hard time coming up with the "different family, different rules" argument when my kid asked me about it. Maybe I just didn't have enough coffee that morning.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that kids should have to share their toys (communal toys excepted). You should teach them that it's nice to share their toys, and the importance of taking turns, etc.

But they shouldn't expect that just because they ask, someone else will have to give up what belongs to them. You ask nicely, you accept the answer. That's how it works with adults. I don't hand over my stuff just because someone else wants it--I decide whether it's something I feel comfortable sharing at all, and whether I want to share it right now, and whether I trust the other person with it.

That said, I think it's fair to say that if you bring it to playgroup, you should share, or that if someone comes over to play, we have to share some of our toys (but can put away things we don't want to share).

[Anonymous]

Someone in another thread posted that it's really not reasonable to expect kids to share until at least 3 yo. How old was the other kid? You might say that sharing is something that big kids do, but babies can't do it yet.

[Anonymous]

If someone brings a toy to a playground, then my child knows that they don't have to share it. It's within the other kid's rights to say no. But, I do tell my child that he SHOULD share his toys with others at the playground if he is willing to. And he will share them 99% of the time. If he has someone to his house, then of course he needs to share the toys.

[Anonymous]

I don't require my kid to share all the time.

[Anonymous]

At 3 I was probably still just trying some sort of distraction rather than reasoning or explanations. However, for the last few years (I have a 6 year old) I have come up with the following rules which my DD hasn't found a way to argue with

If on "neutral" territory, other kids' toys are theirs only and she can't expect to play with them; their toy, their rules.
If at another child's house "it's Friend's house so he gets to make the rules"
If at our home, "Friend is the guest so you need to be polite and let him play with your toys while he is here, afterwards they are all yours again".

I require that my kids share their toys in all circumstances - if they have a friend over it is the polite thing to do if they want to continue having play dates, and if we are at a playground they can only bring things they are willing to share, otherwise the toy goes away.

[Anonymous]

How many of you parents share your stuff?
Do you have anything I might want?

[Anonymous]

"Maybe he hasn't learned how to share yet. Or maybe he doesn't like to for some reason. But YOU do a GREAT job of sharing. We're so proud of how good a sharer you are."