How to explain others not sharing to a 3 yo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 2 year old figured out that while kids often say no to sharing, moms almost always say yes, so he just asks the moms if he can play with the kids' toys.

And I would tell the kid no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Standing playgroup at the playground. Mostly boys, 2-4 yo, plus 1 girl. Kid brings toy. Other kids ask for a turn. Kid says no. Prompts a lot of whining throuhout the morning from various kids, including mine, about why they can't have a turn.

So afterwards, my kid asks...

"Why doesn't he have to share?"

"It's always nice to take turns, but he didn't want to today. Sometimes, it can be hard to share."

"Then I'm not going to share because it's really, really hard."

Obviously, I didn't let comment go, but was just curious how you have explained this to your kid? Do you go with the "just worry about yourself, not what others do" route?

Thanks!

Sounds like what you son was really asking wasn't "why isn't he sharing"-- which ANY kid this age can understand!-- but "why isn't someone making him share with me?"

I think perhaps the flaw in your explanation is that you answered the former, not the latter, question, and made it seem to your son like it is his choice whether he is going to share or not, which may not be the way you parent.

I tend to go with the "different families have different rules" thing for my 3 year old. Someday we'll get to the whole "some families seem to have NO rules" conversation!

[Anonymous]

I love this blog post on sharing: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2009/11/the-s-word/

Many toddlers are not ready to share, especially 2 YOs. To be really sharing, it should come from the child, not from parental pressure. I think a good,response to your son is to acknowledge that YES, sharing is hard but that it also feels good to him when someone shares with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that kids should have to share their toys (communal toys excepted). You should teach them that it's nice to share their toys, and the importance of taking turns, etc.

But they shouldn't expect that just because they ask, someone else will have to give up what belongs to them. You ask nicely, you accept the answer. That's how it works with adults. I don't hand over my stuff just because someone else wants it--I decide whether it's something I feel comfortable sharing at all, and whether I want to share it right now, and whether I trust the other person with it.

That said, I think it's fair to say that if you bring it to playgroup, you should share, or that if someone comes over to play, we have to share some of our toys (but can put away things we don't want to share).

[Anonymous]

We always have a firm rule that any toy going to the park must be shared, but I can’t stand kids that don’t accept NO. It’s the height of rudeness to sulk when a total stranger won’t hand over their private property just because you think they should.

[Anonymous]

You say “that child is a brat with poor parents, but you are a sweet child with a good mommy and daddy that teach you to share. Watch out for kids that don’t share because they probably come from bad homes and you don’t want to be anywhere near them “.

[Anonymous]

“It’s his toy. Next time you should bring a toy to share or play with.”

Kids don’t have to share.

[Anonymous]

Who wants to bag and clean your kid's toy after some snotty kid plays with it.

[Anonymous]

Because he was still playing with it?

We use the phrase "May I have a turn when you are done?"

If yes, then you have to wait & find something to keep you busy in the meantime. If no, then find something else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say “that child is a brat with poor parents, but you are a sweet child with a good mommy and daddy that teach you to share. Watch out for kids that don’t share because they probably come from bad homes and you don’t want to be anywhere near them “.

Haha this would be so satisfying. I have an older kid now but HATEDDD the parents that would allow their kids to bring a really attractive toy to the playground when my kid was that age. Play with your toys at home or share them. My rule with my kid was always that if we brought a toy to the playground we had to be prepared to share. We made lots of neighborhood friends that way. But I hated having to navigate my kid being super enticed by someone else fun toy they did not want to share. Because yeah, you don't have to share, but like...don't bring it to the playground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I heard one of my friends who does behavioral therapy with kids tells her own kids, "Sometimes kids say no" when her daughter asked another kid to share a toy.

What else does this friend say?

[Anonymous]

I hated toys at the park. So distracting for other kids. There’s plenty of other things to do and opportunities to take turns or share, like the slide or swing.

[Anonymous]

The better question is why are you letting your kid participate in harassing a stranger for personal toys he brought with him? Why is the kid even having to say no? Have your kid respect obvious boundaries and then you don't have to worry about the fallout.

If it is a ball or something for a game, great--let the kids play together with it (the kid who brought it will likely suggest this). If it is obviously the kid's personal property intended for use by one person, leave them alone and play with something else.

Do you go up to people in public and ask to use their things? Obviously not.

The "it never hurts to ask" crowd is actually pretty annoying in adult life. Part of your job as a parent is to teach your kid to read the room. Seeing a kid playing with his own toy happily and going up and asking him for it is actually the problem here.