my boss told me I 'annoyed" him...WTheck?

[Anonymous]

I have gotten some great advice on here because I lack and co-workers on my level at work and b/c we are small...no HR department so i hope I can get some more helpful advice. Let me start by saying, I cannot look for another job right now. I don't want to say why but I need to stay here for at least another 6 months...maybe longer.

I am the unofficial #2 at a small DC non-profit. I think my boss has early signs of dementia. Staff talk to me about his odd behavior and about work-decisions on a nearly daily basis.

april was a very busy month for us and we did GREAT. Really, really great. After everything calmed down the first thing my boss told me is that I was annoying him and needed to stop. (not congratulations on a job well done). I asked for examples and he said he didn't want to get into it and I was smart so if I thought about it, I would figure it out. The only thing I can figure, is that I spearheaded 3 great events in April and although they all worked out well, it was stressful and I do get impatient when stressed.

Since he's said this, I've noticed a pattern at work. He says something vague that he wants done and then staff and I try to make it concrete. While that thought process is going on, he gets physically agitated; staff asks is this sounds right and he repeats his vague idea. When we figure out how, he's fine and generally agrees with the plan. He also doesn't really listen in staff meetings, ever. We had a 2 hour staff meeting yesterday where everybody repeated themselves multiple times.

I share this b/c he is annoying for the staff but I don't want to annoy him. I kind of feel like it's out of my control. His mind is annoying him...I'm helping him run the org but he's annoyed by that.

I am thinking about going to a board member but an concerned that could backfire for my org or my career but I really don't want him to be annoyed with me. I did ask for him to be specific next time I annoy him and so far, nothing.

Advice? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you pregnant? why would you need to stay 6 months+ in a job?

Your boss sounds like he has dementia, knows it, and is having difficulty dealing with it and still working. (of course!) His feedback to you is ludicrous. How can you figure out why he is "annoyed with you?" if he can't even define it? you know why he can't define it, because he can't remember it well--he has dementia!

Stop trying to accommodate him. I would go to a trusted board member and see if you can have coffee/a private discussion and get their advice. But you need to be honest. In this situation I would be looking for another job.

[Anonymous]

11:20.
Yes. I'm expecting. And he was mad about it. Still is I think. It's my second in 7 years so I don't think it's unreasonable.

so... re: stop accommodating him. I am doing a great job at work but how much of a great job is accommodating a boss, memory troubles or not?

[Anonymous]

You don't think it's unreasonable to HAVE CHILDREN? Well good now that we've gotten that out of the way.

Dementia or not, your boss sounds like a controlling narcissist, and you sound like an incredible accommodator.

Ask yourself, what is your boss doing to help you? guide you? Also, if you were boss, would you treat someone this way?

There is no fixing someone like this, so stop trying to. Also, start job hunting, stat. you may not get maternity leave but you never know...

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a pretty typical DC boss. I'd just tell him I'm sorry he was annoyed and I'd go about my day. I had a boss once who just didn't like me personally, and said so. There isn't much you can do but keep your head down and do your work. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would ignore these outbursts. When he gives you concrete information, then you deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I would try to have as little to do with him as possible.

Even better, I would concretize his vague ideas and just implement without further discussion. When he asks what is going on just tell him "we agreed all that, don't you remember?".

Also, start hiding his stuff. Move his keys when he is in the bathroom, that sort of thing. If his mind is already beginning to go it should be relatively easy to drive him nuts.

[Anonymous]

All good advice; some of which I will take. For example, I am going to try to have as little to do with him as possible. However, he keeps asking me what I"m doing. This is odd b/c we have weekly staff meetings where I tell everyone. I also send an end-of-the week update to staff so twice a week he has overviews. Also, it's obvious what I do b/c I create content.

AGain, his complaint is not with my work.

I know I should look for a job but I"m very tired and frankly don't want to loose maternity leave. Also, I am very fond of this job and organization so it's hard to leave it.

I really, really need to figure out the right way to speak with a trusted board member. I have one in mind...it's just how. and when. I think it needs to be sooner rather than later. In the last week, boss has messed up at two meetings. So I think his dementia/narcissism/weirdness will start to get out very soon if it hasn't already.

Also, thanks to whomever called out narcissism. It could be that. But if it is, it is a change, probably started a year ago or less. B/c it's a rather recent change, I do think it might be mental....if dementia can be called mental.

Thinking about that comment about me being overly accommodating. While there is truth, the irony is that boss thinks i'm not accommodating him enough.

I will say I have not enjoyed coming to work since this conversation took place and I"ve been challenged by his odd behavior for quite some time. That alone makes me think I need to focus outwardly...like on finding a new job.

[Anonymous]

I've not experienced this at work so I don't have work advice per se, but I do have a little dementia experience to share.

If your boss does have dementia (as opposed to TBI or something similar), it will progress. This is not a static situation that you will have to endure forever; it is a stage and is on its way to getting worse - which means more apparent to others. Once it gets worse enough, you will not have to worry about whether to trouble the board, or go job-hunting, because your boss's impairment will be obvious to everyone.

Changing jobs would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

[Anonymous]

Look I worked for a women with the same issues for almost 2 years. I tried a number of different methods from making sure everything was in writing (so I had evidence), weekly written updates, writen clarification of what I thought she wanted and my plans to implement it, deadlines, timelines etc. She was very passive aggressive, some days she was as nice as can be and i felt like I had imagined entire thing. Other days she was out right nasty - tossing me under the bus whenever possible. When things went well she took full credit for it with the board and officers, when things didn't go well I was to blame. We had an HR depart and I went them, they knew the problem, say the problem said officers and board knew about the problem. And yet nothing was done about it. It took me two years of accomodating it, hoping it would get better, putting down my head and just doing my job because I liked the job, had great benefits etc. Finally things came to a head during a meeting where I saw truly that she wasn't going to change, the organization wasn't going to do anything about the behavior and if I stayed there I was going to continue to be a whipping post for everything. It really drained me of my self esteem, eagerness to work hard and made me very suspicious of other people's intentions. I quit, have been going through therapy and realized that I should have left early on rather having to have gone through that entire ordeal because I thought I was helping the organization and I was stuck because of the salaries and benefit. So have an exit plan.

[Anonymous]

Immediate PP:

Thanks for that. I think it's starting to impact my state of mind in that I don't want to come to work sometimes although I love the actual work.

Also thanks for the others. I will do a little looking at the progress for dementia. I really can't decide if it's that or not.

Re the passive aggressive story...I see evidence of that. and sexism, and selective memory and defensiveness when presented with the facts (memos with facts written down backfiring). Not just me but with other staff.

So difficult. He's just messed up with a major player in our field and taking no responsibility for it. And he's selling this idea that's half backed and just sounds naive. That people are seeing. Hard to watch.

--OP

[Anonymous]

Can you write a letter to one of the board members? Or call them? You could also mention the great stuff you've done at the organization and tell them that although you love the work, the boss has made the office environment difficult to tolerate.

[Anonymous]

You are in a very difficult position. What do you gain if you expose him? Will they fire him? Write him up? Will you want to work there if you do expose him? What if you are both still there dealing with each other after you have made your claims? Will the board belief you? What do you see as the end result? These were the questions my HR department asked me when I confronted them about my supervisor who was mentally unstable. They pointed out that there would have to be due course in which things were documented during which time if I was still working there she could continue to make things worse as my supervisor. Even thought it would be anonymous the information I would have provided to make the case it would be obvious who made the claim.

And to be honest once I thought through the scenario I realized things were going to get a lot worse before they might get better. That's when I decided that no matter how much I liked my job I had to be the one to leave. It was already something I hated to go to everyday, not because of the work but because of my crazy supervisor, the fact that the board and officers knew about it and decided to look the other way made me realize that while I thought I was doing the right thing I could end up being made to look crazy myself for even attempting to fighting it and it would go on and on until someone left. So I looked for another job, got one and left. Its not the perfect job but its a much better work environment. From what I'm hearing my supervisor is still at the old job and still doing the same stuff, te officers are still ignoring it. My replacement is already looking for a job. So as I said before its worth having an exit strategy that allows you to do things for yourself.