Not a romantic relationship question: demanding siblings

[Anonymous]

Recently my boyfriend and I relocated to the same area as my sister her family. My sister and I have always been close but haven't lived near each other in ten years (since we lived with our parents). She was nick named 'mother hen' by our family because she acts like my parent - which was fine as a child but I am well over te age of 18 now.

Since living so near to her there have been a few things I've noticed about our sibling relationship that maybe weren't as obvious when we lived 5 hours from each other.

We are planning to move into a new townhouse/apartment this summer and she has made it apparent they feel we (my boyfriend and I - again both adults!) are unable to find appropriate housing and we must let her husband and herself help us find something suitable. The problem is we have very different opinions: She wants us in a complex and I personally HATE complexes and want something more home but she continues to stay on my ass about all the issues she's sure I will have.

Another issue that bothers me is that when family comes to visit, they want to see both of us. Somehow she is the only person able to plan activities or where we all meet for dinner - which is fine but the times she chooses for these activities are completely not negotiable. If she plans for us to meet our dad for dinner at 5:30 and I get out at 5:30 then she shames me for making them change their plans... More then once she's commented how she doesn't want me to ruin their dinner by having to be somewhere hours later - and if that was going to happen i should just not come...
Another issue is constantly locking me into plans with her and then ditching out on me last minute but if I do the same we don't

This kind of turned into a rant and I apologize for that... Any constructive advice with how to deal would be great.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for grammatical errors - I'm typing from my phone..

[Anonymous]

Honestly...I had to see a therapist to figure out how to deal with my sister. Sympathy - OP - and I hope people on this board have constructive advice!

[Anonymous]

*if i do it to her (back out on plans) we don't talk for a week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly...I had to see a therapist to figure out how to deal with my sister. Sympathy - OP - and I hope people on this board have constructive advice!

Op here: I'm considering it, I love her and we are close but it's almost to close for comfort. She has far to opinions on what I need to do in my life... I get so stressed out about what she says and have to force myself to remember she doesn't have a say in anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*if i do it to her (back out on plans) we don't talk for a week

I have a sister like this and I too have been in therapy to deal with family dynamics. You have to set your boundaries and establish that you are an adult. Sounds like your sister reacts like mine - childishly as if to "punish" me. I stopped giving a shit and remained firm and consistent (yes, if you act like a child I will treat you like one) until she FINALLY got with the program and accepted my boundaries. At one point we stopped speaking for a year. It was an awesome year! Then we had a conversation where we hashed it out and things are better now. We don't talk or spend time together often but when we do it is more pleasant for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Just create distance in the relationship. If you belong to other clubs/activities that you enjoy, make sure that she realizes that you are going to do these things on your own schedule and that they are non-negotiable for you. If you have parents coming to town and she picks a time to eat that is inconvenient, just tell her that you are busy and you will meet them back at your sister's house after dinner when it is convenient. If she points you toward a certain kind of housing, thank her for the suggestions and tell her that you will keep those places in mind as you balance all of your considerations around where to live.

I have not had this problem with my sister, but we did have it with my in-laws and it took a few years of being stubborn and very clear that we were interested in their opinions but after we heard them we would make our own decision and inform them what it was. After a while, they did stop trying to micromanage our lives because it just didn't work. We didn't respond in the way that they expected, so they stopped trying. We are still close to them because we were always friendly and pleasant, but some people just need a little extra time and help in learning how to interact with adult children (and this is sort of how your sister sees you.) Not everyone is able to make this transition seamlessly. Your BF can be helpful here because, while you may feel some tension over pulling away from your sister, he likely doesn't feel the same tension and can be the heavy when you need him to be.

Just stick to your guns and you will be able to redefine your relationship dynamic on your own, adult terms in time. Just don't expect things to change overnight.

[Anonymous]

First of all--just ignore her advice. Practice saying: "Thanks, I'll think about that." Over and over. She can talk; you don't have to listen or get stressed about it.

If she repeatedly bails on plans, stop planning things that require her to actually show up. Don't agree to anything that requires tickets or that you can't do by yourself if she doesn't show.

When she makes family plans, be clear about what works in advance, and then make it clear to your parents as well. "I'm so sorry I can't make dinner, but Susie scheduled it for 5:30 and I don't get out of work until 6:00." Let her shame you. She can't actually do anything to you, so stop acting like she can.

[Anonymous]

She needs to learn to treat you as an independent adult, the way she'd treat a friend, a peer, and not as her little sister.

[Anonymous]

I'd start getting a few lines to use:

Oh, let me find you an apartment (or other form of taking over)!: "No, thanks, I've got it covered."

What do you mean you can't come at 5:30? "Well, if you really want me to show up, you need to ask me before you finalize plans." *smile*

If she bails on you, call her on it the next time she tries to schedule something. "Can I be sure you'll show up? You've bailed so many times that I think I'll just pass this time."

Etc.

[Anonymous]

Stop the info train. Don't tell her about the apartment hunting. If she asks, just say "We are working on it. thanks."

[Anonymous]

Aggree with those who say you need to establish boundaries with your bossy sister!

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Gosh, OP, I hear you. I was up at 2:00 a.m. thinking about my sister and what to do. I have used some of my counseling sessions to deal with her. My sister is older than me also, and always saw me as someone she mothered and was "hers" to watch over, and more improtantly, to CONTROL. When I was a kid, I went along some, and not other times. When I didn't, that is when we had fights. As adults, we have always lived in separate states. You are right, that has helped. She still put in her advice, but ultimately, we didn't live close enough for her to be too involved. I gave her advice too, but when she asked for it.

In the last few years, I have had an awful time in life - husband laid off multiple times, financial issues, moving to have a job, marriage problems, and the biggy - a severe illness no one could diagnose which rendered me barely functional, but having to work anyway. It lasted for 2 years. All I did was barely work, see specialists, and do tons of tests/scans/etc. They recognized I was very sick, just took a while to find. It was very hard for her to hear about. She got very controlling and after only 3 months of the illness, she insisted that I stop seeing all doctors and decide that is just how I was going to live the rest of my life. She was sure that was the answer. I was having vomiting/diarrhea daily, passing out/dizzy, nauseated 24/7, literally starving, among other things. I explained that it was not possible to live that way forever. She still believed her advice was right, period. I kept pursuing a diagnosis, and eventually they found a benign tumor that was responsible for it all. I got it out and - poof - I was better!

Even while I was still sick, she told me she wasn't going to call me anymore, but that I could call her, and proceded to be very distant and unresponsive when I did call her. It is like having a conversation with a piece of toast. That continues to this day, almost 2 years later from when she started this "punishment". I say that because that is what it is - punishment for me not listening to her about giving up on doctors. She actually said then that she realizes she needed to "let me go" because I am in my 40's so she guesses I am grown up! Um, yeah! However, she didn't make peace with it, she just started this punishment phase. I can only imagine that the fact that I actually had a tumor and it was right to keep looking just makes her more resentful, since tha means she was wrong. Everyone gave you great advice here. That is what I would do and have done when I dealt with her more. Now I am wondering if our relationship will even survive.

[Anonymous]

OK I have a bossy older sister who is super anal about lots of things, still wants to give me advice and tell cautionary tales about why I should or shouldn't do this/that/the other. I am quite grown, my children are over 21, for Pete's sake, I'm a grandparent ROFL. When I visit her (we are several states away so not often) I just ignore her comments when they're over the top "where are you going? you shouldn't go to the store. it's raining. you might no get back in time for dinner" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is a ditz. To hell with her. Show some backbone or nothing will ever change.