How's your relationship with your brother?

[Anonymous]

All I remember from our childhood is him getting in trouble and running to ask for my help. I got physical with a few boys bigger than me to rescue him.

We fought a lot (the thread on sibling torture made me laugh) but I loved him to pieces.

He's been always known as being cheap. He was saving his allowance and always had money to lend. We grew older, I left my parents' home he stayed. I watched from a distance his "mutation". He became almost abusive. He arrived from work at 6PM, my mom at 11PM. He'd wait for her to arrive and yell asking her to heat up his plate. This is just one example. He'd pay the water bill and scream at my mom for letting the faucet dripp. If he paid electricity he'd arrive and change the channel saying he paid the bill so he gets to pick the show. Stuff like that.

I blamed it on his immaturity and thought after leaving my parents house and getting married he'd change. Ha! Silly me. When I try to talk to my mom about it she says I'm not perfect either so I should quit trashing her son. That I have no right to talk like that to her and it hurt her feelings.

Anyway, after 5 years away from home I went back to visit. My plan was to rent a car to go home from the airport but my brother offered me to use his car. I thanked him and offered to pay the gas. I also asked if my dad could use his car to drop us off at the airport He said fine. My dad made the math, I got the money and put it in an envelope I planned on handing to him with a few gifts I brought from the US along with one item he ordered from the US and I brought with me. DH suggested me to give the ordered item as a gift also for him offering his car. I agreed.

Well, first of all, we showered them (him, SIL) with gifts. He didn't bother to get the kids a gift. No, I don't give gifts to get gifts back but I thought he'd think of getting the kids something. It was the first time he was meeting his niece and nephew.

I asked my mom to bake a cake to celebrate DC's birthday and told her to call my bother. He invited his MIL, SIL, BIL and their 2 kids. I was thrilled! We had such an awesome time together. After the cake he went to his car and brought 3 huge bags with gifts for everybody except me and my kids. WTF?????

I was in shock! I didn't say a word at the time and when I tried to talk to my mom about it she brushed it off saying it was no biggie and complimenting me for handling it with class - I ran inside and gave older DC a gift I had wrapped earlier. Younger DC doesn't get it yet.

I stayed at my parents for 2 weeks. I paid for all the groceries and outings. One day we ran to the grocery with my brother and I grabbed a 4 pack of apple sauce and a jar of peanut butter. He paid the whole bill with Sodexo stamps.

When we sat down to do the math he was such an ass harping on how I should pay the gas for the car ride to the airport in advance (note that I already had the money for it in the envelope) and on and on about paying also the peanut butter he paid with Sodexo - note that he earns his salary and the Sodexo stamps are a benefit. He spends only 30% of it every month. The rest rolls over.

He's been bombarding my Facebook inbox and DH's begging us to vote for some picture of him so he can win a trip. I didn't have the time to even look at it. Today he sent me a message calling me an "unsupportive sister" because I didn't do it. I then wrote him the longest message saying that I didn't do it because I'm packing our move, while DH is away on a business trip and I'm left with 2 sick kids and no wallet (I forgot it in DH's car). He didn't respond yet.

DH is pretty hurt too. We'd never dream to charge a family member for gas or a ride to the airport. Not to mention food!

Anyway, I'm pretty hurt by the things he did to me and my kids. Our relationship as young adults was never very loving but not toxic either but now I don't know. I never thought we would be the broken family that doesn't get along. I'm so disappointed!

How is your relationship with your younger brother?

[Anonymous]

Sorry it's so long I'm on my phone I didn't realize it.

I'm also very embarrassed. When we visit DH's home my ILs are always so welcoming and accommodating. What a shame!

[Anonymous]

I had a great relationship with my younger brother. Unfortunately he passed away in his early 30s.

Sounds like you are super immature and your brother is too. Time to grow up. Think bigger picture - who, in the long run, cares about gas money.

[Anonymous]

Time to put on big kid pants, and deal with reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a great relationship with my younger brother. Unfortunately he passed away in his early 30s.

Sounds like you are super immature and your brother is too. Time to grow up. Think bigger picture - who, in the long run, cares about gas money.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Why do you say I'm super immature? I'd love to know where I have to change to improve our relationship.

[Anonymous]

My brother is a complete an utter asshole and his mistreatment of me and my kids has plagued me for decades--I will never speak to him again; He is a big (over 6'3") mean bully, he was born on 3rd base and thinks he is some kind of genius and is treated as such by my mother. He lived almost exclusively off of money he inherited or "borrowed from our 80 year old mother. He did get his first real job 2 years ago at age 46, so there's that. He drives around town in his BMW wagon that he can barely stuff his big stupid body into. He married a very nice woman who already had a child, I feel sorry to her being married such an abusive asshole. He manipulates my mother (and she allows it, even though she is a very intelligent woman) since my father died in 2001. My brother is an infuriating buffoon.

So yeah, I would not give your brother a pass at all. He sounds bad in a similar way that mine is and your mother is a large contributing factor to the dynamic like mine is so, yeah. He is a hugely toxic sibling. I have no solutions other than avoidance which is almost as stressful as engaging in my case.

[Anonymous]

My relationship with my brother is NOTHING like your relationship with your brother. Neither of us are shitty people, and we wouldn't dream of asking the other to pay for gas to pick someone in the family up at the airport, yet at the same time, the person being picked up would offer to give money for gas and tolls.

I'm sorry your brother is such a shitty person and your mother encourages it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a great relationship with my younger brother. Unfortunately he passed away in his early 30s.

Sounds like you are super immature and your brother is too. Time to grow up. Think bigger picture - who, in the long run, cares about gas money.

You don't sound immature at all, OP. This person is being a jerk.

Rather, it sounds like your brother has some serious issues around money and control. You probably just have to accept this about him and move on. It is unlikely that he is going to change at this point. Look for his good qualities and hang onto them and try to ignore these other things. It sounds like you did your best to be a good sister and a good guest. That is really all you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a great relationship with my younger brother. Unfortunately he passed away in his early 30s.

Sounds like you are super immature and your brother is too. Time to grow up. Think bigger picture - who, in the long run, cares about gas money.

You don't sound immature at all, OP. This person is being a jerk.

Rather, it sounds like your brother has some serious issues around money and control. You probably just have to accept this about him and move on. It is unlikely that he is going to change at this point. Look for his good qualities and hang onto them and try to ignore these other things. It sounds like you did your best to be a good sister and a good guest. That is really all you can do.

+1!

It's hard when a member of your family acts like an ass. I'm a grown up- I can deal with the shit people want to heap on me (up to a point) but when my child is involved it's a nonstarter. I'm glad your DD is too young to realize that she was left out of the gift giving. To be honest, I would address that point and leave the rest alone for now.

Yes, gifts are a priviledge - but how could a person (especially an uncle) leave out a child?!? That's just crappy.

I don't remember if you said how old DD is but hopefully your brother will change before DD is old enough to realize what a crappy person he is. If your brother doesn't change I would restrict time spent with uncle until he wants to be better.

What a shame. It sounds like you did the best you could. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I have a very close relationship with my brothers, nothing like what you describe. My brothers and I like to host each other and no one would ever ask for gas money. I have one brother in grad school, though, and I do make a point of paying for gas and food and generally trying to help him out a little even if he is the host. That is just family looking out for each other, right?

I think you may have come across as immature to the one PP because it feels odd to those of us with very close relationships with siblings to air this sort of concern on a public forum. People air things that are even more intimate, of course, but this sort of tension when articulated in detail can come across as petty. I am not saying that it is petty or that you are at fault--I truly sympathize and think it must be very painful for you.

The only advice I can say is to talk to him straightforwardly, however that works in your family--maybe your mother can help? Maybe he doesn't realize how he comes off or how much he was excluding the others or maybe he will take the opportunity to explain his feelings. But if it doesn't work to be direct, honestly I would back off, assume you can't change him, and make sure I protect my kids'feelings. You can still be caring and kind but there is no need to make your kids vulnerable to his actions.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, PP. but in the end I think you're right. Ill have to avoid him.

[Anonymous]

I have very little to do with my sibling. We live in different countries and never talk. No real animosity, but no connection either.

[Anonymous]

I have a very distant and awkward relationship with my brother. We've never been close. He annoyed and tortured my sister and I constantly when we were kids, was selfish and annoying when we were teens, and it always seemed like my parents favored him and took his side.

Now we're cordial with each other when we see each other, which in the past has been once every 1-2 years.

I really would like it to be different. But it just isn't. He recently remarried and I really like his wife, I'd like to improve our relationship and see them more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a very close relationship with my brothers, nothing like what you describe. My brothers and I like to host each other and no one would ever ask for gas money. I have one brother in grad school, though, and I do make a point of paying for gas and food and generally trying to help him out a little even if he is the host. That is just family looking out for each other, right?

I think you may have come across as immature to the one PP because it feels odd to those of us with very close relationships with siblings to air this sort of concern on a public forum. People air things that are even more intimate, of course, but this sort of tension when articulated in detail can come across as petty. I am not saying that it is petty or that you are at fault--I truly sympathize and think it must be very painful for you.

The only advice I can say is to talk to him straightforwardly, however that works in your family--maybe your mother can help? Maybe he doesn't realize how he comes off or how much he was excluding the others or maybe he will take the opportunity to explain his feelings. But if it doesn't work to be direct, honestly I would back off, assume you can't change him, and make sure I protect my kids'feelings. You can still be caring and kind but there is no need to make your kids vulnerable to his actions.

OP is just looking for a place to vent, lose the self aggrandizing attitude, which is also petty

[Anonymous]

I used to have a decent relationship with my brother. When our dad died a number of years ago, he suddenly became an extreme control freak with regards to anything regarding dealing with the aftermath. He self-nominated himself as "head of the household," even though we're all adults, all equals, and have our own individual lives.

It's not like we came from a patriarchal family at all, and seemed to come out of left field. His behavior turned controlling, toxic, and extremely mean, such that I don't have an interest in seeing him again.