Telling grandparents we're not comfortable with them driving the kids anymore

[Anonymous]

How do I even begin this conversation with my inlaws? My hands shake just thinking about it.

They are in their late 70s. MIL and FIL are equally bad in their own ways. Kids are 1 and 3. We see them 1-3 times a week. They take our oldest either on little outings or for sleepovers about 1x/week. This will be a HUGE change. They don't work and their grandchildren are their entire lives.

For a number of reasons, the conversation will have to involve me, if not come solely from me. I have a great relationship with them and feel just as close as if they were blood to me. However, MIL cand be "difficult" and I'm at a loss how to approach this.

I have concerns about their ability to competently care for my kids and this is the tip of the iceberg but its the first step.

This will be the first "aging/competence" discussion anyone has ever had with either of them about anything.

[Anonymous]

Your DH should tell his parents. Why is he leaving this up to you.

[Anonymous]

Can you provide specific examples of reasons you want to make this change? Accidents? Near misses? Tickets? What prompted this decision?

How do you plan to accommodate the change? Pay for cabs or drop off/pick up? You should have a plan that allows them to see the kids as often as they do now, but minus MIL/FIL driving.

I empathize, OP, but these are your kids and you can't take the risk. Hopefully they'll respect that.

[Anonymous]

Can you explain why you have to be part of the conversation, as opposed to just have DH tell his parents? Difficult conversations really should come from their own child, and not the in-law.

[Anonymous]

Have to agree with 15:20 on this one. Do you have specific examples of why you don't think they should drive your kids around anymore? And you also need to come up with a plan for how they are going to see your kids going forward. I agree you need to accommodate the change and that will make it easier.

Also, don't approach it as an incompetent issue. That will get you nowhere. But honestly, if you have no specific examples (accidents, near accidents, tickets, etc) then I don't think this will be an easy convo to have.

Also why is your DH not involved? Is it because he thinks they are ok to drive?

[Anonymous]

Think about how you would feel if something bad happened to your kids while they were with their grandparents...that should give you all the courage you need to address the issue.

If it doesn't, then you don't need to be a parent anymore. Sorry but it's the hard truth.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH will be on board, but this is extremely difficult for him as well. I'm not certain how the dynamics of the conversation will go yet. Maybe I will have DH talk to them alone. Regardless, how would he approach this?

I know I will have to do my best to assure them that we'll do our best not to let this decrease the frequency they see the kids. But it will reduce the alone time they get with our oldest.

We don't have examples for FIL. We do for MIL.

[Anonymous]

Can you just change your routine so that they don't pick up / drop off?

[Anonymous]

I think opening with "we would like to talk with you guys about how your lives are changing as you age. what do YOU see going on that worries you? what can WE do to help you?" is a good idea.

After my grandfather said several times, "That car came out of nowhere!" I used that as a springboard to discuss how maybe his vision wasn't as good as it'd been in the past, and he stopped driving at night.

Old people HATE losing their independence. They've lived for so long, and have so many decades of love and knowledge to share and especially in this country, we throw old people away and they're terrified of that.

If you can, say, "We're no longer comfortable having you drive Larla and Aidan back to your house for sleepovers. I know they love being with you each Friday night, and it seems like you enjoy that time also. Would you like to continue the sleepovers? Dan and I are happy to drive the kids over at 6pm on Fridays and pick them up at 10am Saturday mornings. Does that work for you?"

Let them know how you'll replace what's being taken away.

[Anonymous]

I"m in your shoes OP -- I'm the DIL with super local ILs who are used to seeing DC 1-3x a week.

DS is older though, which is difficult in its own way because the 3 of them hatch plans without me and the next thing I know, FIL is "informing" me that he will be driving them all to, say, Richmond to see a civil war thing that DS asked to see.

On the one hand, I have the absolute conviction that a PP mentioned that DS will NOT be riding with them. So he does not, period. OTOH, I totally lack the courage to say "Well duh, Charles, your reflexes are way too slow now and your eyesight is failing and IMO you shouldn't be driving! So don't even bother to ask if Aidan can go with you to XYZ."

They're way too sharp to fall for that passive mumble language; they'll see right through that so I don't even bother with "hints" and asking them cryptic things like, "How can I support YOU as you age?"

For now, I just stick my head in the sand and pretend nobody just suggested that they drive DS anywhere. aka, Pass the salt / how about them 'Nats?? if the topic comes up. But obviously that can't go on forever so I'll be interested to watch for compassionate yet direct language from posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think opening with "we would like to talk with you guys about how your lives are changing as you age. what do YOU see going on that worries you? what can WE do to help you?" is a good idea.

After my grandfather said several times, "That car came out of nowhere!" I used that as a springboard to discuss how maybe his vision wasn't as good as it'd been in the past, and he stopped driving at night.

Old people HATE losing their independence. They've lived for so long, and have so many decades of love and knowledge to share and especially in this country, we throw old people away and they're terrified of that.

If you can, say, "We're no longer comfortable having you drive Larla and Aidan back to your house for sleepovers. I know they love being with you each Friday night, and it seems like you enjoy that time also. Would you like to continue the sleepovers? Dan and I are happy to drive the kids over at 6pm on Fridays and pick them up at 10am Saturday mornings. Does that work for you?"

Let them know how you'll replace what's being taken away.

Thanks for this. The second part of your post is exactly what I was envisioning as far as the logistics and still allowing sleepovers. They usually go to dinner with her first, which I know they love and so does my dd, so maybe I'll offer to bring over take out or something.

I still don't know how to approach it. I don't see your intro working with them (my parents, maybe).

Is it a bad idea to, at least initially, put some of the blame on me being overly neurotic? Would that take some sting out or would that be transparent and cowardly? Ok, never mind--don't answer that. Of course it would. But it would be easier.

[Anonymous]

It only seems easier. it will make every subsequent discussion much harder.

[Anonymous]

Being direct and truthful is not an issue. You have to do that, out of respect for them.

- So I would start off by saying that you see how they love being with their grandchildren, and that you want to facilitate this as much as possible.
- That you love them both dearly and that you know this will be upsetting for them to hear. That you are sorry for this.
- But that recently DH and yourself have been worried by eyesight/reaction time/whatever it is while driving. Make sure to include for both of them a specific incident, to prove your point!
- Add that of course you can see they still have all their intellect, which is why you feel you can all have a very calm and rational discussion about this.
- Finally, say that DH and yourself have come to the conclusion that the children will now be driven by yourselves. Suggest new routine of sleepovers here.

If they can see that you care for their well-being and sincerely want their relationship with their grandchildren to continue, then it will greatly ease the pain.

[Anonymous]

No matter how you approach this, they are going to be upset, so I think going in with low expectations is key.

I think it needs to be both you and DH, so there are no questions about how they react or what they say, and you can make sure everything is clear.

Be direct: "We're no longer comfortable with you driving Larla and Aiden. We still want you to see them as much as possible, and we're willing to make that happen, though that may change a bit."

When they pushback on why: "There have been a few incidents. We're just not comfortable with it anymore." Keep repeating that basic line. Don't get into it more than that or you'll spend the whole conversation with them picking apart your reasoning.

When they pushback on scheduling: Have some specific ideas about how things they do now can still be done or done with some modifications.

If they completely blow up and say you can't tell them what to do, they're just fine, etc...realize you may have to back off on one-on-one visits for awhile if you don't trust that they still won't drive your kids while the kids are there, just to show you.

[Anonymous]

My mom can't drive at night...thankfully she started realizing it on her own and we kind of gave her the final push.

My dad has PD. While his driving is still good for now, and I trust him driving our DS, I know the day will come when I'll have to have this convo with him.