Telling grandparents we're not comfortable with them driving the kids anymore

[Anonymous]

I would skip a lot of intro and have your husband say, "mom, Dad I really don't want to hurt your feelings, and I love you, but I am worried about you driving with the kids.

Go on to say that they can still see each other all of the time etc.

Also, if in the beginning they want to say you guys are delicious and overprotective, don't take it personally. You might even agree laughingly, but stick to your guns. Talk to them like adults, and don't turn it into a conversation about aging, unless they bring it up.

As a somewhat sensitive person myself, I would not like it if someone mentioned specific examples of bad driving. MIL will already know what they are and does not need reminded.

[Anonymous]

*Being rediculous not delicious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I know it might sound odd, but I do have a good relationship with my inlaws. I'm more rational and level headed than DH (not saying much) and my delivery would probably be more effective. Also, I'm a SAHM and definitely more connected with the kids and their routines, including their routines with the inlaws. It would be very obvious that this would be coming from me, regardless of who the messenger was. I feel like I owe it to them to have the conversation face to face with them and not use DH as a straw man. For example, DH hasn't been around for some of the concerning incidents and it would be obvious that he would be bringing up concerns on my behalf.

I feel like I have a handle on how the second half of the conversation would go (logistics, me offering to drop kids off, etc.) but I'm so afraid of simply starting the conversation. This is the start of something way bigger. It breaks my heart. They live in a huge house further out. They come into Chevy Chase, Bethesda, DC, all the time for doc appointments. How far away are we from telling them they shouldn't be driving at all? Is this conversation the precursor to the "sell your house and get a condo in Chevy Chase next to the Barlow Bldg where all your various doc appointments are"?

I know my childrens' safety comes before all else. But my sympathy and guilt and confrontation-avoidance is a close second.

Sorry but you sound like a control freak..signed another sahm..these are your husband's parents and his kids too.

[Anonymous]

This is what we did (actually, DH did it). At the time the ILs were in their late 70s and I was increasingly feeling as if my kids were getting into a car with a drunk driver behind the wheel. We couldn't allow it any longer.

The ILs were upset but it blew over. Although we have tried to faciliate visits by driving the kids, taking them to X place to meet the ILs, etc., bottom-line, it pretty much put an end to the ILs' outings with them. Which is sad, but not sadder than a horrible car accident for which I would never forgive myself (had it happened and had I said nothing).

I am not trying to snark, but when you decided not to let your kids in the car with the ILs driving, did you also do anything about their continued driving? If they really did seem like drunk drivers, then someone ought to be trying to get them off the road in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do I even begin this conversation with my inlaws? My hands shake just thinking about it.

They are in their late 70s. MIL and FIL are equally bad in their own ways. Kids are 1 and 3. We see them 1-3 times a week. They take our oldest either on little outings or for sleepovers about 1x/week. This will be a HUGE change. They don't work and their grandchildren are their entire lives.

For a number of reasons, the conversation will have to involve me, if not come solely from me. I have a great relationship with them and feel just as close as if they were blood to me. However, MIL cand be "difficult" and I'm at a loss how to approach this.

I have concerns about their ability to competently care for my kids and this is the tip of the iceberg but its the first step.

This will be the first "aging/competence" discussion anyone has ever had with either of them about anything.

Your husband needs to man up and tell them.

Not helpful. OP already addressed this point in response to other posts.

In the spirit of being helpful however, perhaps you could advise OP on what exactly her DH should say and how she can help him deal with the emotions of the conversation with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I know it might sound odd, but I do have a good relationship with my inlaws. I'm more rational and level headed than DH (not saying much) and my delivery would probably be more effective. Also, I'm a SAHM and definitely more connected with the kids and their routines, including their routines with the inlaws. It would be very obvious that this would be coming from me, regardless of who the messenger was. I feel like I owe it to them to have the conversation face to face with them and not use DH as a straw man. For example, DH hasn't been around for some of the concerning incidents and it would be obvious that he would be bringing up concerns on my behalf.

I feel like I have a handle on how the second half of the conversation would go (logistics, me offering to drop kids off, etc.) but I'm so afraid of simply starting the conversation. This is the start of something way bigger. It breaks my heart. They live in a huge house further out. They come into Chevy Chase, Bethesda, DC, all the time for doc appointments. How far away are we from telling them they shouldn't be driving at all? Is this conversation the precursor to the "sell your house and get a condo in Chevy Chase next to the Barlow Bldg where all your various doc appointments are"?

I know my childrens' safety comes before all else. But my sympathy and guilt and confrontation-avoidance is a close second.

Sorry but you sound like a control freak..signed another sahm..these are your husband's parents and his kids too.

A PP here. Interesting inteprepation. Because I would label her a control freak if she put the DH up to have the conversation, especially since she said that she had a good relationship with them and their family dymanics are positive. It is also refreshing that OP does not look at her IL's as the enemy and that she genuinely cares for them. Don't see that all the time on DCUM.