If you are a mistress, do you feel ANY guilt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is any serious question that women who participate in these relationships have serious often unacknowledged problems in their background affecting their mental health. They may think they are fine but they are complicit in close injury to others including very much to children. On some level we are all complicit in all kinds of moral issues BUT this is so direct and so knowing. they are trying to make up for some part of them that is broken by hurting others and feeling power. they need to do a deep dig with a therapist to figure out why they are not just ok but literally taking pleasure n hurting others. Likely few do but maybe some. It is at best immature and self centered but also has a hint of sociopathy because they do not care/ feel.

I one hundred percent resonate with this. Ex H’s AP tried to convince me she was a healer and a good person, but she refused to leave my exH alone and would not stop her contribution to the affair. She was a very broken person- was abused and so forth - and felt entitled to my exH. She ignored my plea to leave our marriage and family alone. How can a self proclaimed healer ignore the pain she helped cause? It’s because she was broken and hurt by others, so she felt indifferent to my pain and the pain she was causing my family by ripping it apart. Yes, my exH was complicit. Not absolving him of anything. But both of them were highly compartmentalized in their thinking. Exh’s compartmentalization is what masked his cheating, and her compartmentalization had her convinced she’s actually a wonderful person, a “healer,” but she was ripping my family a part and couldn’t give a flying F about the pain she was causing my family.

So, pp, do you believe that if this woman had backed off from your husband, that you could have repaired the marriage? It sounds like your DH was not worth staying with anyway.

That’s a good question. Yes, I think if she backed away we would have had the chance to truthfully and diligently work on our marriage. But she convinced my ex that without him, she’d suffer from something catastrophic (physically or mentally, not sure). Leaving her meant her possibly dying or suffering in some way. It was really strange and difficult for me to understand. He felt that between the two of us, I could bounce back more easily, whereas she would get worse.

Yes, they did end up together and they are still together.

How long have they been together?

Girl, they both did you a favor. You don’t need to stay with such a damaged person (your ex) for the sake of your kids. My parents divorced, it was better than their shitty marriage, and I would never have wanted my mother to stay with a father like this.

You may think the woman’s contact is what kept your DH from repairing the marriage but he chose her drama and insanity on purpose. You could have wasted years “repairing” the marriage only for him to seek her out one day. People in affairs are addicts and it’s hard to get that high from regular married life.

Not everyone in an affair is addicted to the chemicals. They wear off after a while, so a long term affair is a full blown emotional and physical relationship with all the feelings.

If a spouse is in a 6 months + affair, they have developed feelings and it’s not just sex. I wouldn’t take someone back at that point.

Oh bullsh@t. Some are no strings and they only bang once a month or so - when schedules permit. If feelings mean “I need an escape I’m stressed I’m bored let me call old Sally Ho and see if she has time to bang at the Marriott”. Length does not necessarily = deep feelings.

+1 especially for males. Females getvmore attached and then get upset when they realize there is no Real relationship and start feeling dumb.

[Anonymous]

This thread made me curious and I started reading “TheOtherWoman” subreddit. It’s not a great life for the AP’s either. Sitting around waiting and hoping that their AP will finally leave his wife so they can be together. They often really do catch feelings for the married men they date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread made me curious and I started reading “TheOtherWoman” subreddit. It’s not a great life for the AP’s either. Sitting around waiting and hoping that their AP will finally leave his wife so they can be together. They often really do catch feelings for the married men they date.

Not in my case. I fell for her, and she claimed the same...... Yet, she lied to Gecko, jumping from AP to AP while always happily married (claiming she had marital issues). I cut her off. I doubt she feels anything. Sadly, I still have feelings for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is any serious question that women who participate in these relationships have serious often unacknowledged problems in their background affecting their mental health. They may think they are fine but they are complicit in close injury to others including very much to children. On some level we are all complicit in all kinds of moral issues BUT this is so direct and so knowing. they are trying to make up for some part of them that is broken by hurting others and feeling power. they need to do a deep dig with a therapist to figure out why they are not just ok but literally taking pleasure n hurting others. Likely few do but maybe some. It is at best immature and self centered but also has a hint of sociopathy because they do not care/ feel.

I one hundred percent resonate with this. Ex H’s AP tried to convince me she was a healer and a good person, but she refused to leave my exH alone and would not stop her contribution to the affair. She was a very broken person- was abused and so forth - and felt entitled to my exH. She ignored my plea to leave our marriage and family alone. How can a self proclaimed healer ignore the pain she helped cause? It’s because she was broken and hurt by others, so she felt indifferent to my pain and the pain she was causing my family by ripping it apart. Yes, my exH was complicit. Not absolving him of anything. But both of them were highly compartmentalized in their thinking. Exh’s compartmentalization is what masked his cheating, and her compartmentalization had her convinced she’s actually a wonderful person, a “healer,” but she was ripping my family a part and couldn’t give a flying F about the pain she was causing my family.

So, pp, do you believe that if this woman had backed off from your husband, that you could have repaired the marriage? It sounds like your DH was not worth staying with anyway.

That’s a good question. Yes, I think if she backed away we would have had the chance to truthfully and diligently work on our marriage. But she convinced my ex that without him, she’d suffer from something catastrophic (physically or mentally, not sure). Leaving her meant her possibly dying or suffering in some way. It was really strange and difficult for me to understand. He felt that between the two of us, I could bounce back more easily, whereas she would get worse.

Yes, they did end up together and they are still together.

How long have they been together?

Girl, they both did you a favor. You don’t need to stay with such a damaged person (your ex) for the sake of your kids. My parents divorced, it was better than their shitty marriage, and I would never have wanted my mother to stay with a father like this.

You may think the woman’s contact is what kept your DH from repairing the marriage but he chose her drama and insanity on purpose. You could have wasted years “repairing” the marriage only for him to seek her out one day. People in affairs are addicts and it’s hard to get that high from regular married life.

Not everyone in an affair is addicted to the chemicals. They wear off after a while, so a long term affair is a full blown emotional and physical relationship with all the feelings.

If a spouse is in a 6 months + affair, they have developed feelings and it’s not just sex. I wouldn’t take someone back at that point.

Oh bullsh@t. Some are no strings and they only bang once a month or so - when schedules permit. If feelings mean “I need an escape I’m stressed I’m bored let me call old Sally Ho and see if she has time to bang at the Marriott”. Length does not necessarily = deep feelings.

+1 especially for males. Females getvmore attached and then get upset when they realize there is no Real relationship and start feeling dumb.

Yep. You “treat me like a whore”. Starts coming out of long-time AP’s mouth when they get feelings and the “no-strings” bargain wears off on their side. Well? That part always kills me. You were all in meeting up for sex no strings—-and then you want to change the script?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For AP’s - what is the benefit or attraction to a married guy? Is it just sex, or is it something else?

It seems like women can literally download any of the dating apps and have sex at their doorstep wishing the hour. I mean, it’s harder than getting pizza, but not by much.

Yeah but tinder guy probably isn't making her feel like she's better than some other woman, which she gets off on. Most women who start affairs with married men are insecure "pick me" types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For AP’s - what is the benefit or attraction to a married guy? Is it just sex, or is it something else?

It seems like women can literally download any of the dating apps and have sex at their doorstep wishing the hour. I mean, it’s harder than getting pizza, but not by much.

Yeah but tinder guy probably isn't making her feel like she's better than some other woman, which she gets off on. Most women who start affairs with married men are insecure "pick me" types.

Nope, most women who have affairs with married men are also married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For AP’s - what is the benefit or attraction to a married guy? Is it just sex, or is it something else?

It seems like women can literally download any of the dating apps and have sex at their doorstep wishing the hour. I mean, it’s harder than getting pizza, but not by much.

Yeah but tinder guy probably isn't making her feel like she's better than some other woman, which she gets off on. Most women who start affairs with married men are insecure "pick me" types.

Nope, most women who have affairs with married men are also married.

This would be my guess too. They’re probably unhappy in their marriage and as it starts to unravel she gets more and more reckless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For AP’s - what is the benefit or attraction to a married guy? Is it just sex, or is it something else?

It seems like women can literally download any of the dating apps and have sex at their doorstep wishing the hour. I mean, it’s harder than getting pizza, but not by much.

Yeah but tinder guy probably isn't making her feel like she's better than some other woman, which she gets off on. Most women who start affairs with married men are insecure "pick me" types.

Nope, most women who have affairs with married men are also married.

These things are not mutually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread made me curious and I started reading “TheOtherWoman” subreddit. It’s not a great life for the AP’s either. Sitting around waiting and hoping that their AP will finally leave his wife so they can be together. They often really do catch feelings for the married men they date.

Not in my case. I fell for her, and she claimed the same...... Yet, she lied to Gecko, jumping from AP to AP while always happily married (claiming she had marital issues). I cut her off. I doubt she feels anything. Sadly, I still have feelings for her.

Hmmm, very unusual.
And are you still married?

[Anonymous]

Sigh.

When my marriage was going very poorly, I grew too close to a married man whose marriage is also going very poorly. My marriage is better now- his is not.

We backed off from one another and are casual friends, but there is still that little dangerous spark there.

I can absolutely see how tempting it is to cross the line, and how to rationalize, hey his wife doesn’t even like him, my husband did blah blah blah.

I don’t think you have to be a complete narcissist or psychopath to cross this line. You just start making a lot of little compromises and you feel really bad so you’re not as strong as usual.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No.

Zero empathy.

Typical narc sociopath type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ yeah little contact can keep it going much longer before it fizzles. If they don’t see each other IRL. It’s more like banging the sane prostitute or visiting the same stripper for a lap dance. It’s not deep talk, but they know basic things about you.

Believe what you want, but a high number of affairs start at work where people see each other and speak daily. They spend more time together than we their spouses 😉

[Anonymous]

I'm not even a mistress (yet?) and I feel guilt just for wanting to f his brains out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread made me curious and I started reading “TheOtherWoman” subreddit. It’s not a great life for the AP’s either. Sitting around waiting and hoping that their AP will finally leave his wife so they can be together. They often really do catch feelings for the married men they date.

Zero sympathy. They deserve all the misery and STDs they get