What to do about new Mom friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But I can tell she’s a bit insecure and trying to climb the social ladder (as if there is one in out very middle class neighborhood).

OP, you tipped your hand with this one sentence. You see yourself as some Big Cheese in your neighborhood, the mom to which other moms aspire. It's been years since I was a mother of a new kindergartner, but I remember it being a time when I was hoping to find a mom or two from the bus stop who was either doing the same, or had recently been there, done that. I didn't expect them to be my best friend, just a friendly person to chat with as our kids played at the neighborhood park. It had NOTHING to do with social climbing. Zero.

Get over yourself, OP.

When new to a school or any environment, it is natural to try to get to know others.

We used to live in a middle class neighborhood and was probably the richest person in the school. I don’t think anyone tried to befriend me because we were wealthy. I hung out with my kids’ friends’ parents, joined the pta, was friendly to everyone.

We moved to a very wealthy neighborhood and it is absolutely exactly the same. I hang out with my kids’ friends’ parents, joined the pta and friendly to all.

There are unfriendly people at both schools. There are flaky people at both schools. We were pool members at both neighborhoods and the cliquey pool people are at both the poorer and wealthy neighborhoods. We also joined a country club. There are definitely social climbers there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TLR- how do you deal with a Mom of DS’s friend who obviously wants to be closer friends than I do.

DS just started K and he’s becoming fast friends with another little boy. I know the Mom because we go to the same pool. (Our kids didn’t play together until school started.) She obviously wants to be close friends with me. But I can tell she’s a bit insecure and trying to climb the social ladder (as if there is one in out very middle class neighborhood). She’s nice enough, and I can deal with her in small doses. But I don’t really want to be close to her. I know I’ll be reaching out to her (and her to me) to arrange play dates for our kids. How do I remain friendly without making it seem I want to be friends?

This is not hard. You remain friendly for your kids but don’t initiate or accept any grown-up invitations. You say hi and make small talk when you see her. Don’t ever talk about anyone else with her. Don’t share private or personal info. Keep it surface and polite. How have you made it to this age without understanding how to differentiate between being friends and being friendly?

[Anonymous]

OP’s follow up makes it sound like the woman may not like her all that much?

[Anonymous]

From your post about being at the pool I don’t see where she wants to be close friends. She went to sit with other people………. I think you are way overthinking this. Go about your life, talk to her and be friendly regarding the kids so they can be friends. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP’s follow up makes it sound like the woman may not like her all that much?

+1. OP - this woman doesn’t want to be your friend, nor does she see you as some opportunity for social climbing. For what it’s worth, given your posts about the social hierarchy at the pool (wtf?), I think you’re probably the one more focused on social climbing than she is.

[Anonymous]

If your kids are in K together you are going to be in the same community at multiple events for plenty of years ahead. Just be polite and kind. You'll never know when you'll need to check in with her for something school or social related, so why create anything other than friendly, open communication with another mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP’s follow up makes it sound like the woman may not like her all that much?

+1. OP - this woman doesn’t want to be your friend, nor does she see you as some opportunity for social climbing. For what it’s worth, given your posts about the social hierarchy at the pool (wtf?), I think you’re probably the one more focused on social climbing than she is.

This.

[Anonymous]

Op -- i was in a similar situation. the mom was/is a weirdo. i gave it a chance b/c i didn't want to be mean, but my gut was right. she was a weirdo and i didn't want to be her friend. i just stopped be available to hang out. my son stopped liking her son and we slowly all "broke up."

and FWIW -- that other mom -- i don't know if she was social climbing or not. i think she was trying to socially engineer her son's friends. but she regularly commented on other people's houses or other people money. that's not my style at all. i took it more as jealousy, which was yet another reason to not be her friend.

[Anonymous]

She will find out you are low on the totem pole... and problem solved.
Not that there was any problem, except in your own mind.

[Anonymous]

What is a mom friend? Do you just mean a friend?

[Anonymous]

So she used you to watch her kid while she chatted with other moms? Actually, sitting with them?
Sounds like she thinks you are low on the social "ladder" and a pushover that can be used to baby ist.

[Anonymous]

Was in a similar situation when I was a SAHM: I have only a very close group of friends, introverted, and there were moms who just jumped on the situation and wanted to live life together. It's a very hard situation to figure out socially honestly when you're kids want to play, and it just is "understood" that you'll hang out together too at age 5.

And...I got the exact same "oh you think you're better than everyone else" feedback too. Not helpful.

Just know it will pass.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t like her or don’t click that’s fine, but it sounds to me like you are adding reason to justify not liking her.

[Anonymous]

First thing you need to do is stop referring to her as a friend. She's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TLR- how do you deal with a Mom of DS’s friend who obviously wants to be closer friends than I do.

DS just started K and he’s becoming fast friends with another little boy. I know the Mom because we go to the same pool. (Our kids didn’t play together until school started.) She obviously wants to be close friends with me. But I can tell she’s a bit insecure and trying to climb the social ladder (as if there is one in out very middle class neighborhood). She’s nice enough, and I can deal with her in small doses. But I don’t really want to be close to her. I know I’ll be reaching out to her (and her to me) to arrange play dates for our kids. How do I remain friendly without making it seem I want to be friends?

Let her spend an hour with you or let her read the above. She will drop any desire to be friends with you like a hot potato.