Just need to cry. 1 week postpartum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess OP. He's always been like this and yet you're so super shocked that he's acting like this after baby 3. Because if my DH suddenly started acting like this I would be worried something was wrong because it's so out of the norm. I don't know why you expected him to suddenly change. This is why people say "so why did you have kids with him?". It's hard to feel sympathy for someone who continues to have kids with a jerk and then cry that he's *gasp* still a jerk

OP here: YEP!!!! The PP above you is ridiculous. I am doing more than my fair share of things and that is not the issue. I am not ungrateful. Unfortunately the reality is I'm probably dealing with verbal abuse. I am hesitant to write the actual words he uses on me. But this is anonymous so here goes. And usually I'm able to just let it go and not be a sobbing mess begging him to stop but again... Postpartum.

These are words he used to describe me today after the blue marker incident, and after he brought up the pill thing (which again, no one got the pills. They were never where the children should be. And since he pointed out I shouldn't leave them by the bed where kids could get them they've been out of reach). So here goes and now you all can try victim blaming me again...

His words to me while I sob, begging him to stop and instead please just show me some love:
Evil. Evil animal. Animal. Vindictive. Sadistic. Regretting marrying me. When I say I love him, he says, "No, you don't love me." He gets increasingly incensed the more I beg him to stop. I beg him to stop and please just hug me or show me some love, he gives me a forceful hug while saying "evil wife." Okay. So yes he's amazing and taking care of the older kids and cooking! Yay!!!! Well guess what I need love and support not this harshness and anger toward me on any little thing.

Ok. Direct and tough love time.

You know that the things he's saying to you are wrong and abusive. You know this. Stop saying he's amazing. He isn't. And you know that, too. Making excuses for him (oh, his poor childhood! oh, he's stressed! oh, how he occasionally cooks a meal!) is only going to prolong the problem -- if it is even fixable. Plus, it implies something transactional that is not a foundation for a stable family: it's okay that he's verbally abusive because he "purchases" that verbal abuse with being an involved dad in other respects.

Yes, you have raging post-partum hormones and that's a whole issue all its own. But assuming everything you wrote is true, it took you 3 or 4 posts to actually write down what the problem is: his abuse. Remember, you started with him being loving and gentle and you just needing a little extra support. But if your friend came to you and said, "my husband said I was evil, that he regrets marrying me, that I'm an animal, and that I don't love him," your response would NOT be, "oh honey, sounds like you need a little extra care and support."

OP here: no, that is absolutely what I would tell a friend. I would not immediately be saying, "He's abusive! Divorce him!" I'd comfort her, encourage her to get marital advice from licensed counselors and not DCUM, and to do all she can to take care of herself: eat. Sleep. Change your bloody disposable underwear and take a shower. Don't do random household tasks that DH can do or can be put off. And I would give her all the comfort and support in the world.

Well, then it sounds like you know all you need to know for how you're going to handle your relationship with your husband's abuse (and that's your word). I really, sincerely, wish you, your babies, and your husband all the best and will be holding you anonymously in my thoughts. I have been there, and I would ask you to just please, the next time you're fighting back tears and sobbing while he continues piling on, tell yourself and know that it's true: "it does not have to be this way." I'm not saying you have to divorce, demand counseling, run away, or anything. I'm only saying that you should know that it doesn't have to be this way and you haven't done anything to deserve it.

OP here: yes actually I agree. I do believe he will eventually be able to work on these issues. He has been open to it before. We went to in person marriage counseling before the pandemic. He didn't want to do virtual. I'm hopeful that soon he'd be open to in person counselling alone or together again when that's an option again.

I KNOW I don't deserve to be treated like this. I KNOW it is his overreaction, not justified, not deserved. But I am giving him grace because I know he is a loving and supportive husband and father and this is his issue. I need to focus on my health right now and not expect extra gentle words from him right now. In fact there's a way I can respond when he gets like this that would just let it go. We will deal with it. But this is probably not the best time. Instead now we need to just focus on trying to be gentle and patient as possible with each other. I'm sure there's a way I can express that to DH at a nice neutral time so he might begin to understand what I'm asking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything is wonderful. 3rd healthy baby, fast almost painless delivery, really great breastfeeding...
And I am a hormonal mess. My husband has been a little (or very) critical of me about a couple things and I get so crazy sad and hurt and he doesn't let up.

I am trying to be extra gentle and patient with everything as we're now managing 3 kids under 5 and the older ones start school in the coming week.

DH doesn't seem to get it I need EXTRA care and gentleness now. The postpartum period is tough for any woman now matter what is going great.

DH is loving and supportive (for example he's the one doing all the cooking, taking care of older kids so I can just take care of myself and baby.

I just need to cry 😢

Remind me that things (hormonally) even out soon and to just be gentle and patient with myself 😥

P.S. we have no other help, no family nearby, not complaining, just that I depend a lot on my DH so when I don't have his complete support and encouragement right now I a just a wreck

Boo hoo. Pool little you. You should have thought of all this before having a third. Maybe your husband is sick of your pity parties.

Lol. When they talk about DCUM consisting of the scum of the earth....

[Anonymous]

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His words to me while I sob, begging him to stop and instead please just show me some love:
Evil. Evil animal. Animal. Vindictive. Sadistic. Regretting marrying me. When I say I love him, he says, "No, you don't love me." He gets increasingly incensed the more I beg him to stop. I beg him to stop and please just hug me or show me some love, he gives me a forceful hug while saying "evil wife." Okay. So yes he's amazing and taking care of the older kids and cooking! Yay!!!! Well guess what I need love and support not this harshness and anger toward me on any little thing.

Is this normal for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His words to me while I sob, begging him to stop and instead please just show me some love:
Evil. Evil animal. Animal. Vindictive. Sadistic. Regretting marrying me. When I say I love him, he says, "No, you don't love me." He gets increasingly incensed the more I beg him to stop. I beg him to stop and please just hug me or show me some love, he gives me a forceful hug while saying "evil wife." Okay. So yes he's amazing and taking care of the older kids and cooking! Yay!!!! Well guess what I need love and support not this harshness and anger toward me on any little thing.

Is this normal for him?

I hate to say normal but yes has regularly occurred over the last several years. Often at a time of higher stress, like one of the worst times was when we moved with our last newborn. He'd be so unnecessarily harsh and mean to me. Often it seems this happens when I'm most vulnerable too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His words to me while I sob, begging him to stop and instead please just show me some love:
Evil. Evil animal. Animal. Vindictive. Sadistic. Regretting marrying me. When I say I love him, he says, "No, you don't love me." He gets increasingly incensed the more I beg him to stop. I beg him to stop and please just hug me or show me some love, he gives me a forceful hug while saying "evil wife." Okay. So yes he's amazing and taking care of the older kids and cooking! Yay!!!! Well guess what I need love and support not this harshness and anger toward me on any little thing.

Is this normal for him?

I hate to say normal but yes has regularly occurred over the last several years. Often at a time of higher stress, like one of the worst times was when we moved with our last newborn. He'd be so unnecessarily harsh and mean to me. Often it seems this happens when I'm most vulnerable too.

This is not ok but I don't think you would have a good outcome calling him out on it now.

[Anonymous]

It has nothing to do with the situation, it just feels like it does. But it’s HORMONES. I’m 9 weeks postpartum with my second and I cried soooooooooo much the first four weeks. The first two were the worst. The most intense emotions I’ve ever felt. When I wasn’t crying, I wanted to be. Just let it out. It will be over soon and you’ll go back to thinking more rationally. Give yourself grace and just sob whenever you need to, ideally in private so you don’t have to explain “what’s wrong” (shower).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's wasn't protected as a child = he will protect his children above all else (including you). Therapy for him. Don't think you're going to get what you need from him at the moment. Can you settle in your room with a mini fridge, all you need and lock the door? When baby is sleeping, tend to your other kids for hugs, tuck in, snack together? Hope he's not blowing up in front of the older kids.

OP here: thank you! You make me cry, but in a good way you understand. I feel understood. Thank you.

Yes. My DH had to flee a dangerous situation (civil war) and lost hia whole family as a young boy. He loves me dearly. But his love for our children may be more primal and fierce. So in this time of extra stress and responsibility, including: sweet precious newborn baby, two kids starting new schools within a week, lack of family support on either side, COVID making us very cautious, no visitors/help, doing our best... Yes I agree with everything you wrote that maybe I just can't expect such gentleness from him right now, and that's okay. I'll work more on taking care of myself. We are doing our best.

Thank you again for a sincere and caring response

You're welcome. The trauma he experienced as a child is awful, no doubt. He's projecting it onto you, which is awful. There's a psychological link to his lashing out at you when you're most vulnerable because he's never resolved his own trauma as a vulnerable child. You know this, and you give him grace because of it. You're very strong, not weak at all.

Stay the course, and shield your newborn and kids from this for the time being. Don't engage with him beyond childcare. He needs to bond with baby, so while he's holding your daughter, leave him to that and spend a little alone time with your other two. Try to be two ships in the night for now. Get the kids settled in school, and yourself recovered. You know what needs to be done when you're feeling well enough. This is his PTSD, and he must seek intensive help to resolve it on his own.

Hugs to you and your sweet kids. Take special care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It kind of sounds like DH is reminding you that you still need to keep an eye on the other kids. Leaving easily accessible medication around a toddler is unsafe. You know that OP. He's tired and irritable. I get you're fragile but good Lord

+1. I would probably react the same way that DH did to the markers. Also, it sounds like your 2 year old doesn't use markers at all... since I my 27 month old has never tried to eat markers. You may just need to provide more supervision when introducing new things (I know you know this, you are just exhausted). And the pills, yeah, that's a hard no. Especially because they are in a case and not even in a childproof container (which you obviously still shouldn't leave within reach). That's actually a nightmare. You're lucky DH is clear headed enough to be able to see and handle these things right now, since it sounds like you're both in postpartum fog. Your other two kids still need you to care about their safety and well-being. You don't get a free pass because you have a newborn. You knew that when you were going from 2 to 3.

Oh my goodness I hate to have to go into details but no children have been endangered. Yes my son (he's actually not quite 2 years old yet) sucked on a blue marker. I agree that's terrible and I'm sorry. So let's put them away and do them another time when I'm not focusing on BFing or older kid can do it by herself. Just him going on and on about it like I've endangered his life, and then bringing up the pill case thing from 3 days ago - the kids aren't even supposed to be in my room and anyway since then I do keep them out of reach once I wake up in AM. So no need to bring that up today again as if it's just another mark of how terrible/irresponsible mother I am.

Another example: 4 days ago I'm happily holding baby for a couple minutes after BFing before putting her down. I have my computer on the side table and am watching a movie trailer to try to find something to watch at one of my next marathon BFing sessions. DH opens the door and says, "Are you watching a show?!" I cheerfully reply yes and he leaves abruptly. I try to make no big deal out of it and so when I leave the room I talk to him normally and nicely. Then he brings up how terrible it is for me to be watching a show while holding the baby. He states I whine about not getting sleep and here I am watching a show. He calls me untrustworthy. He says I'm endangering the baby. "If the screen isn't good for our eyes, it's not good for the Baby." He accuses me of treating the baby like a burden, that I can't just hold/BF her without watching a show. I shouldn't have to explain myself here but: I am alone in the room all night with Baby, DH sleeps in living room, that way he can sleep & manage kids and I can do what I need to do with our BFing and pooping baby all night. I actually appreciate it because there's no need for DH to br woken up by baby all night and I can do what I need to do without worrying about waking him.

Surely you can see how over reactive these situations are. All I want is for DH to be more gentle and patient with me. There are better ways to express not liking something.

OP your DH sounds stressed out. Cut him some slack and cut yourself some slack. I’m expecting my third and we have two young kids. Pregnancy has been extremely difficult so he basically does everything (plus work full time). Thankfully kids are in school now but they were virtual at home the entire year. So yes he would get stressed snd sometimes lash out at them when they made a mess. I would get upset about it but I remind myself that he’s only human. You are hormonal and busy with baby. He’s stressed and looking after two kids. Situation is stressful for both of you. So try to focus on the positive when it comes to your DH and allow yourself to cry. Also realize that he probably wants someone to be there 100% for him as well since it’s hard for him too. You will get through this OP!

[Anonymous]

I read this thread last night and it’s really been bothering me. I know it’s the anonymous interweb and all, but the willingness and ease with which people have chosen to pile on OP when she is clearly having a difficult time is pretty disheartening. So, I’ll just say this: OP, I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time and that you are not getting the support you need right now. The first few weeks postpartum are tough enough and to have a partner who is critical, unsupportive, and clearly having a tough time dealing with his own issues is, well, just a lot. I hope you have some real-life supports outside of DCUM to help you work through this challenging time, and if you don’t, would really encourage you to seek them out. In the meantime, it is totally okay to feel overwhelmed, upset, and disappointed by your current situation. I will be thinking of you and hope that things start looking up soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this thread last night and it’s really been bothering me. I know it’s the anonymous interweb and all, but the willingness and ease with which people have chosen to pile on OP when she is clearly having a difficult time is pretty disheartening. So, I’ll just say this: OP, I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time and that you are not getting the support you need right now. The first few weeks postpartum are tough enough and to have a partner who is critical, unsupportive, and clearly having a tough time dealing with his own issues is, well, just a lot. I hope you have some real-life supports outside of DCUM to help you work through this challenging time, and if you don’t, would really encourage you to seek them out. In the meantime, it is totally okay to feel overwhelmed, upset, and disappointed by your current situation. I will be thinking of you and hope that things start looking up soon.

OP here: thank you!! I know, I was even surprised with the level of snarky responses here when really I was just looking for a little encouragement!

Thankfully, I do have support, I just felt especially moody & needing to cry that day. Also, an update: later that day (or one of the days after I wrote this post, it's all blurring together...) My husband went for a walk and when he came back he apologized and said he was sorry for being so harsh on me... Since then he has really been there for me again. I do think many males also experience postpartum issues even if they're not the ones who gave birth/breastfeed/wake up every 2-3 hours in the night.

I truly think we all need a little grace.

Also, Baby is home with Dad for a few hours while I'm getting a haircut - his first opportunity to bottle feed with my pumped milk - so I am getting a much needed little me break

[Anonymous]

I’m glad he apologized and glad you’re getting some time to yourself, but if you can afford it consider some paid help. It can be vaccinated and masked help, but this newly postpartum you have to be able to focus on yourself and your recovery and your newborn. If DH can’t enable those priorities (which with two other kids is reasonable that he can’t!) you need a hired set of hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

He called the woman 'evil' and chastised her like a dog while she's PP. And she admitted this has happened before. It's her choice but man...

[Anonymous]

Just from your posts, it is obvious that you are driving him crazy. If you have PPD, get professional help. Stop blaming your Dh who is doing way above the call of duty.

[Anonymous]

omgoodness you are in the HARDEST time! I have 4 and the adjustment to the third was by the hardest. that being said about one week PP even after my 4th I would cry for no reason. hormones are the REAL DEAL! My baby is now 7 months and life is a breeze. you will get there! just need to hang in there! try to get outside for walks, sit outside and sip wine, and get a pedicure if you can. hugs, it's so hard but you will get through it and the other side is so great.