Just need to cry. 1 week postpartum

[Anonymous]

Why the hell would you bring another child into an abusive situation?!? What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why the hell would you bring another child into an abusive situation?!? What is wrong with you?

OP here: I have a hard time knowing what is an abusive situation. I know plenty of in-love couples who have shouting matches, storm out the door etc. DH with this apparent anger and name calling issue aside is the best father I could imagine for our kids. He is super involved and caring. I know he has a lot of undealt-with trauma from his childhood and youth (he essentially lost his whole family at the age of 4 or 5) and so honestly I can deal with these faults. Yes I'd like him to go to counseling but he's not going to do that until he's ready and it's his choice. Trust me I've talked with counselors hundreds of times about these kinds of situations with DH. They all say it's unsurprising given his childhood trauma. Basically I know that if we were in a dangerous situation I'd pack up and leave.

But in all honesty, his ridiculous anger outbursts are something I can usually put up with and do not outweigh the actual love we have for each other and they way he loves and supports me (the other 95%+ of the time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the hell would you bring another child into an abusive situation?!? What is wrong with you?

OP here: I have a hard time knowing what is an abusive situation. I know plenty of in-love couples who have shouting matches, storm out the door etc. DH with this apparent anger and name calling issue aside is the best father I could imagine for our kids. He is super involved and caring. I know he has a lot of undealt-with trauma from his childhood and youth (he essentially lost his whole family at the age of 4 or 5) and so honestly I can deal with these faults. Yes I'd like him to go to counseling but he's not going to do that until he's ready and it's his choice. Trust me I've talked with counselors hundreds of times about these kinds of situations with DH. They all say it's unsurprising given his childhood trauma. Basically I know that if we were in a dangerous situation I'd pack up and leave.

But in all honesty, his ridiculous anger outbursts are something I can usually put up with and do not outweigh the actual love we have for each other and they way he loves and supports me (the other 95%+ of the time).

Wow. This is just sad

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, you're a SAHM and DH is a high earner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, you're a SAHM and DH is a high earner

OP here: nope! I earn at least $10K more than he does with more almost guaranteed promotion potential in the coming year. We are going tobbe splitting paid parental leave almost equally. He is really awesome as an almost equally involved parent. I mean we have a sort of division of labor right now with him taking care of the older kids more and me focusing on BFing baby/healing myself as I literally gave birth a week ago. I don't know any other more capable and involved father. He takes the kids out every single day to a different playground/park. He cares about their health and safety so much.

And, I have known this a while but didn't mention in my post: you may notice DH's criticisms/harshness to me pretty much always revolves around the kids' health and safety. It's just often so seemingly overboard. Like you need to trust me that my 3rd time around breastfeeding successfully I am not endangering or harming the child by watching a show while holding/BFing him. He's just so hyper protective once again probably due to his childhood trauma and wanting to protect his dear kids.

Unfortunately then that turns to blaming/attacking me

[Anonymous]

He's wasn't protected as a child = he will protect his children above all else (including you). Therapy for him. Don't think you're going to get what you need from him at the moment. Can you settle in your room with a mini fridge, all you need and lock the door? When baby is sleeping, tend to your other kids for hugs, tuck in, snack together? Hope he's not blowing up in front of the older kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here: also I know the postpartum period is hard for everyone. That's why I'm even trying to cut DH some slack and remind him repeatedly how grateful I am for him doing so much so I can focus on my healing and Baby. I want us all to just be as gentle and patient with each other as possible. That's my whole point to this post. I Just want to remind myself that this period will pass and DH's moodiness/anger will also subside. I Just wish he could get th message now to be more gentle and patient to me as I'm extra sensitive.

I remember this feeling from last 2 births too: a period od time maybe from about 1-4 weeks postpartum where both your heart and vagina feel raw. Sorry TMI but it's true. My body is healing physically but it's also doing the monumental invisible work of adjusting hormones after holding a baby for 9 months, and producing 40 oz of breastmilk a day (I leak and collect at least 12-15 oz a day already in addition to EBF... So yeah I need others to give me some grace now too.

[Anonymous]

You write like an abused spouse. The second anyone said anything negative about him you over the top defended him when 2 minutes before you were saying how awful he was treating you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's wasn't protected as a child = he will protect his children above all else (including you). Therapy for him. Don't think you're going to get what you need from him at the moment. Can you settle in your room with a mini fridge, all you need and lock the door? When baby is sleeping, tend to your other kids for hugs, tuck in, snack together? Hope he's not blowing up in front of the older kids.

OP here: thank you! You make me cry, but in a good way you understand. I feel understood. Thank you.

Yes. My DH had to flee a dangerous situation (civil war) and lost hia whole family as a young boy. He loves me dearly. But his love for our children may be more primal and fierce. So in this time of extra stress and responsibility, including: sweet precious newborn baby, two kids starting new schools within a week, lack of family support on either side, COVID making us very cautious, no visitors/help, doing our best... Yes I agree with everything you wrote that maybe I just can't expect such gentleness from him right now, and that's okay. I'll work more on taking care of myself. We are doing our best.

Thank you again for a sincere and caring response

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You write like an abused spouse. The second anyone said anything negative about him you over the top defended him when 2 minutes before you were saying how awful he was treating you.

OP here: not very helpful...
I believe I can point out when I'm being treated awfully and also say he's a wonderful husband and father. Honestly I could say the same things about my parents. My mom has on a couple occasions treated me terribly. But she's still an awesome and loving mother. If she were to be a little harsh or critical to me right now this would be a post about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess OP. He's always been like this and yet you're so super shocked that he's acting like this after baby 3. Because if my DH suddenly started acting like this I would be worried something was wrong because it's so out of the norm. I don't know why you expected him to suddenly change. This is why people say "so why did you have kids with him?". It's hard to feel sympathy for someone who continues to have kids with a jerk and then cry that he's *gasp* still a jerk

OP here: YEP!!!! The PP above you is ridiculous. I am doing more than my fair share of things and that is not the issue. I am not ungrateful. Unfortunately the reality is I'm probably dealing with verbal abuse. I am hesitant to write the actual words he uses on me. But this is anonymous so here goes. And usually I'm able to just let it go and not be a sobbing mess begging him to stop but again... Postpartum.

These are words he used to describe me today after the blue marker incident, and after he brought up the pill thing (which again, no one got the pills. They were never where the children should be. And since he pointed out I shouldn't leave them by the bed where kids could get them they've been out of reach). So here goes and now you all can try victim blaming me again...

His words to me while I sob, begging him to stop and instead please just show me some love:
Evil. Evil animal. Animal. Vindictive. Sadistic. Regretting marrying me. When I say I love him, he says, "No, you don't love me." He gets increasingly incensed the more I beg him to stop. I beg him to stop and please just hug me or show me some love, he gives me a forceful hug while saying "evil wife." Okay. So yes he's amazing and taking care of the older kids and cooking! Yay!!!! Well guess what I need love and support not this harshness and anger toward me on any little thing.

Ok. Direct and tough love time.

You know that the things he's saying to you are wrong and abusive. You know this. Stop saying he's amazing. He isn't. And you know that, too. Making excuses for him (oh, his poor childhood! oh, he's stressed! oh, how he occasionally cooks a meal!) is only going to prolong the problem -- if it is even fixable. Plus, it implies something transactional that is not a foundation for a stable family: it's okay that he's verbally abusive because he "purchases" that verbal abuse with being an involved dad in other respects.

Yes, you have raging post-partum hormones and that's a whole issue all its own. But assuming everything you wrote is true, it took you 3 or 4 posts to actually write down what the problem is: his abuse. Remember, you started with him being loving and gentle and you just needing a little extra support. But if your friend came to you and said, "my husband said I was evil, that he regrets marrying me, that I'm an animal, and that I don't love him," your response would NOT be, "oh honey, sounds like you need a little extra care and support."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess OP. He's always been like this and yet you're so super shocked that he's acting like this after baby 3. Because if my DH suddenly started acting like this I would be worried something was wrong because it's so out of the norm. I don't know why you expected him to suddenly change. This is why people say "so why did you have kids with him?". It's hard to feel sympathy for someone who continues to have kids with a jerk and then cry that he's *gasp* still a jerk

OP here: YEP!!!! The PP above you is ridiculous. I am doing more than my fair share of things and that is not the issue. I am not ungrateful. Unfortunately the reality is I'm probably dealing with verbal abuse. I am hesitant to write the actual words he uses on me. But this is anonymous so here goes. And usually I'm able to just let it go and not be a sobbing mess begging him to stop but again... Postpartum.

These are words he used to describe me today after the blue marker incident, and after he brought up the pill thing (which again, no one got the pills. They were never where the children should be. And since he pointed out I shouldn't leave them by the bed where kids could get them they've been out of reach). So here goes and now you all can try victim blaming me again...

His words to me while I sob, begging him to stop and instead please just show me some love:
Evil. Evil animal. Animal. Vindictive. Sadistic. Regretting marrying me. When I say I love him, he says, "No, you don't love me." He gets increasingly incensed the more I beg him to stop. I beg him to stop and please just hug me or show me some love, he gives me a forceful hug while saying "evil wife." Okay. So yes he's amazing and taking care of the older kids and cooking! Yay!!!! Well guess what I need love and support not this harshness and anger toward me on any little thing.

Ok. Direct and tough love time.

You know that the things he's saying to you are wrong and abusive. You know this. Stop saying he's amazing. He isn't. And you know that, too. Making excuses for him (oh, his poor childhood! oh, he's stressed! oh, how he occasionally cooks a meal!) is only going to prolong the problem -- if it is even fixable. Plus, it implies something transactional that is not a foundation for a stable family: it's okay that he's verbally abusive because he "purchases" that verbal abuse with being an involved dad in other respects.

Yes, you have raging post-partum hormones and that's a whole issue all its own. But assuming everything you wrote is true, it took you 3 or 4 posts to actually write down what the problem is: his abuse. Remember, you started with him being loving and gentle and you just needing a little extra support. But if your friend came to you and said, "my husband said I was evil, that he regrets marrying me, that I'm an animal, and that I don't love him," your response would NOT be, "oh honey, sounds like you need a little extra care and support."

OP here: no, that is absolutely what I would tell a friend. I would not immediately be saying, "He's abusive! Divorce him!" I'd comfort her, encourage her to get marital advice from licensed counselors and not DCUM, and to do all she can to take care of herself: eat. Sleep. Change your bloody disposable underwear and take a shower. Don't do random household tasks that DH can do or can be put off. And I would give her all the comfort and support in the world.

[Anonymous]

I am giving him grace because I know this postpartum time is difficult for everyone. He is managing his own form of postpartum hormones - likely a primal protective over reaction. So you know what, I have even more compassion for him after reading and writing here. Yes he needs to get help. Yes he needs to learn how to express unhappiness with something I do in a way that is not attacking me verbally. But right now I'm going to give him grace and thank him again for all he's doing as a loving and supportive husband and father. He has issues. I have issues. I think I'm going to let ot go for now, and I'm done here.

OP out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess OP. He's always been like this and yet you're so super shocked that he's acting like this after baby 3. Because if my DH suddenly started acting like this I would be worried something was wrong because it's so out of the norm. I don't know why you expected him to suddenly change. This is why people say "so why did you have kids with him?". It's hard to feel sympathy for someone who continues to have kids with a jerk and then cry that he's *gasp* still a jerk

OP here: YEP!!!! The PP above you is ridiculous. I am doing more than my fair share of things and that is not the issue. I am not ungrateful. Unfortunately the reality is I'm probably dealing with verbal abuse. I am hesitant to write the actual words he uses on me. But this is anonymous so here goes. And usually I'm able to just let it go and not be a sobbing mess begging him to stop but again... Postpartum.

These are words he used to describe me today after the blue marker incident, and after he brought up the pill thing (which again, no one got the pills. They were never where the children should be. And since he pointed out I shouldn't leave them by the bed where kids could get them they've been out of reach). So here goes and now you all can try victim blaming me again...

His words to me while I sob, begging him to stop and instead please just show me some love:
Evil. Evil animal. Animal. Vindictive. Sadistic. Regretting marrying me. When I say I love him, he says, "No, you don't love me." He gets increasingly incensed the more I beg him to stop. I beg him to stop and please just hug me or show me some love, he gives me a forceful hug while saying "evil wife." Okay. So yes he's amazing and taking care of the older kids and cooking! Yay!!!! Well guess what I need love and support not this harshness and anger toward me on any little thing.

Ok. Direct and tough love time.

You know that the things he's saying to you are wrong and abusive. You know this. Stop saying he's amazing. He isn't. And you know that, too. Making excuses for him (oh, his poor childhood! oh, he's stressed! oh, how he occasionally cooks a meal!) is only going to prolong the problem -- if it is even fixable. Plus, it implies something transactional that is not a foundation for a stable family: it's okay that he's verbally abusive because he "purchases" that verbal abuse with being an involved dad in other respects.

Yes, you have raging post-partum hormones and that's a whole issue all its own. But assuming everything you wrote is true, it took you 3 or 4 posts to actually write down what the problem is: his abuse. Remember, you started with him being loving and gentle and you just needing a little extra support. But if your friend came to you and said, "my husband said I was evil, that he regrets marrying me, that I'm an animal, and that I don't love him," your response would NOT be, "oh honey, sounds like you need a little extra care and support."

OP here: no, that is absolutely what I would tell a friend. I would not immediately be saying, "He's abusive! Divorce him!" I'd comfort her, encourage her to get marital advice from licensed counselors and not DCUM, and to do all she can to take care of herself: eat. Sleep. Change your bloody disposable underwear and take a shower. Don't do random household tasks that DH can do or can be put off. And I would give her all the comfort and support in the world.

Well, then it sounds like you know all you need to know for how you're going to handle your relationship with your husband's abuse (and that's your word). I really, sincerely, wish you, your babies, and your husband all the best and will be holding you anonymously in my thoughts. I have been there, and I would ask you to just please, the next time you're fighting back tears and sobbing while he continues piling on, tell yourself and know that it's true: "it does not have to be this way." I'm not saying you have to divorce, demand counseling, run away, or anything. I'm only saying that you should know that it doesn't have to be this way and you haven't done anything to deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything is wonderful. 3rd healthy baby, fast almost painless delivery, really great breastfeeding...
And I am a hormonal mess. My husband has been a little (or very) critical of me about a couple things and I get so crazy sad and hurt and he doesn't let up.

I am trying to be extra gentle and patient with everything as we're now managing 3 kids under 5 and the older ones start school in the coming week.

DH doesn't seem to get it I need EXTRA care and gentleness now. The postpartum period is tough for any woman now matter what is going great.

DH is loving and supportive (for example he's the one doing all the cooking, taking care of older kids so I can just take care of myself and baby.

I just need to cry 😢

Remind me that things (hormonally) even out soon and to just be gentle and patient with myself 😥

P.S. we have no other help, no family nearby, not complaining, just that I depend a lot on my DH so when I don't have his complete support and encouragement right now I a just a wreck

Boo hoo. Pool little you. You should have thought of all this before having a third. Maybe your husband is sick of your pity parties.