If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a really idyllic childhood with wonderful parents and siblings. I grew up in a household without fighting between the adults. As kids we bickered like all normal kids do.

As an adult I discovered I didn’t know how to fight. Every argument with a significant other caused me so much stress and angst because I didn’t grow up in a household where those exchanges occurred and to me they were monumentally huge/negative events. I think this was exacerbated because my partners did grow up in traumatic dysfunctional homes so they didn’t have the healthiest habits for disagreements and I had no significant experience with disagreements.

Alllll of this. If you saw White Lotus I am Rachel when my husband complains - physically uncomfortable. I am hardwired to defuse conflict.

You get these reactions because the households you grew up in were conflict avoidant, not because you grew up in a happy household. There are many happy households where the children are able to see their parents successfully and healthily navigate conflict. If you never saw that growing up, I guarantee you that your household wasn’t as happy as you think. At least one of your parents (probably your mom) didn’t have a voice.

Zero-conflict households are as unhealthy and toxic as high-conflict households.

I buy this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thinking about the thread about recovering from childhood trauma. I'm wondering about people who had none, and had really healthy supportive parents and no adverse events happening? What's that like? How common do you think it is to luck out like that? If you ended up with life challenges anyway, what are they and what do you attribute that to?

I read something a while ago about grateful people living longer lives. I have suffered very little hardship until recently losing my mother to cancer. I recognize that even that could have been a lot worse given that she was older and there were no financial issues, etc., but it was still my most traumatic experience. And what I have learned is that I am stronger and more resilient of a person than I should be in light of my charmed life because I focus on a daily basis on how grateful I am for what I have. Many who have little to complain about still complain plenty and don’t see how much they have to be grateful for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking about the thread about recovering from childhood trauma. I'm wondering about people who had none, and had really healthy supportive parents and no adverse events happening? What's that like? How common do you think it is to luck out like that? If you ended up with life challenges anyway, what are they and what do you attribute that to?

I read something a while ago about grateful people living longer lives. I have suffered very little hardship until recently losing my mother to cancer. I recognize that even that could have been a lot worse given that she was older and there were no financial issues, etc., but it was still my most traumatic experience. And what I have learned is that I am stronger and more resilient of a person than I should be in light of my charmed life because I focus on a daily basis on how grateful I am for what I have. Many who have little to complain about still complain plenty and don’t see how much they have to be grateful for.

Love this. ❤

[Anonymous]

Trauma doesn’t always look like what you’d expect. Somebody like Pete Davidson is what most people think when they think of trauma — watching your dad die on 9/11. One big or a series of big events. But I can be cumulative. I grew up upper middle class in a stable two parent home in which I had everything I could ever want and a large loving extended family and friend group. However, my mother found a way to call me fat every day, and was generally disapproving of everything I did or said and expressed it to my face on a regular basis. No where near as bad as being a refugee or bei mg raped but it was EVERY DAY from my earliest memories until the day I left home. It can be a cumulative effect of something that seems small. I’ve never known parental approval or acceptance and that’s traumatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trauma doesn’t always look like what you’d expect. Somebody like Pete Davidson is what most people think when they think of trauma — watching your dad die on 9/11. One big or a series of big events. But I can be cumulative. I grew up upper middle class in a stable two parent home in which I had everything I could ever want and a large loving extended family and friend group. However, my mother found a way to call me fat every day, and was generally disapproving of everything I did or said and expressed it to my face on a regular basis. No where near as bad as being a refugee or bei mg raped but it was EVERY DAY from my earliest memories until the day I left home. It can be a cumulative effect of something that seems small. I’ve never known parental approval or acceptance and that’s traumatic.

Agree with you, and I'm sorry. ❤

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trauma doesn’t always look like what you’d expect. Somebody like Pete Davidson is what most people think when they think of trauma — watching your dad die on 9/11. One big or a series of big events. But I can be cumulative. I grew up upper middle class in a stable two parent home in which I had everything I could ever want and a large loving extended family and friend group. However, my mother found a way to call me fat every day, and was generally disapproving of everything I did or said and expressed it to my face on a regular basis. No where near as bad as being a refugee or bei mg raped but it was EVERY DAY from my earliest memories until the day I left home. It can be a cumulative effect of something that seems small. I’ve never known parental approval or acceptance and that’s traumatic.

I’m so sorry, OP. How pathetic that your mom took a charmed life - a healthy, loving haughtiest, a safe home, everything you could want in life - and ruined it over something as meaningless as your body shape. Of all the good things you are as a person, and of all the good your life could have been, she had to poison it over something so superficial and meaningless. What a sad, sad waste of all that she was blessed to have. I’m sorry. I hope you are surrounded with more love now and can feel it.

[Anonymous]

Unicorn here. Great family life growing up, mom stayed home until we were in MS, then worked PT. They are still happily married 50 years now.

I am happily married for 20+ years, 2 kids (great kids, not perfect because we are all human), and my parents live nearby. Sometimes we see them 3 times a week, and sometimes not at all for 3 months, depending on what is happening in our lives and theirs.

I am happy, healthy, and I always thought regular/normal. My guess is people post when they are are unhappy or stressed or experiencing something they need help with. When things are just normal, we don't really talk about it because there is nothing to say. Does that make sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trauma doesn’t always look like what you’d expect. Somebody like Pete Davidson is what most people think when they think of trauma — watching your dad die on 9/11. One big or a series of big events. But I can be cumulative. I grew up upper middle class in a stable two parent home in which I had everything I could ever want and a large loving extended family and friend group. However, my mother found a way to call me fat every day, and was generally disapproving of everything I did or said and expressed it to my face on a regular basis. No where near as bad as being a refugee or bei mg raped but it was EVERY DAY from my earliest memories until the day I left home. It can be a cumulative effect of something that seems small. I’ve never known parental approval or acceptance and that’s traumatic.

Agree with you, and I'm sorry. ❤

This is a great example of Big T and little t - the terms in the psych trauma world. PP experienced constant little t, which does cause significant harm, and may result in C-PTSD. Pete Davidson experienced what is called a Big T, and can result in PTSD.

[Anonymous]

mentally ill parent, sexually molested by neighbor, father who occasionally hit us and my mom. Sibling died of cancer at 36.

Handled all of that well. Successful, advanced degree, great job, wonderful husband.

Now, mentally ill child. The hurt is so different.

I am at the end of my coping rope....starting to crumble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:mentally ill parent, sexually molested by neighbor, father who occasionally hit us and my mom. Sibling died of cancer at 36.

Handled all of that well. Successful, advanced degree, great job, wonderful husband.

Now, mentally ill child. The hurt is so different.

I am at the end of my coping rope....starting to crumble.

Hugs PP. If you haven’t done this already get some professional help ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Decreased by not seeing their aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trauma doesn’t always look like what you’d expect. Somebody like Pete Davidson is what most people think when they think of trauma — watching your dad die on 9/11. One big or a series of big events. But I can be cumulative. I grew up upper middle class in a stable two parent home in which I had everything I could ever want and a large loving extended family and friend group. However, my mother found a way to call me fat every day, and was generally disapproving of everything I did or said and expressed it to my face on a regular basis. No where near as bad as being a refugee or bei mg raped but it was EVERY DAY from my earliest memories until the day I left home. It can be a cumulative effect of something that seems small. I’ve never known parental approval or acceptance and that’s traumatic.

I’m so sorry, OP. How pathetic that your mom took a charmed life - a healthy, loving haughtiest, a safe home, everything you could want in life - and ruined it over something as meaningless as your body shape. Of all the good things you are as a person, and of all the good your life could have been, she had to poison it over something so superficial and meaningless. What a sad, sad waste of all that she was blessed to have. I’m sorry. I hope you are surrounded with more love now and can feel it.

Thank you PP! I forgive my mom. She was living generational trauma. I had some big problems with anxiety and depression in my 20s. I hit rock bottom and forced my entire family to have to confront this behavior. We are all doing so much better now and because of it I am breaking the cycle with my own kids. Am I sad I didn’t have the mom I needed growing up? Yes. Am I glad I can do better with my children? Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure where the line is, OP. I wasn't allowed to see friends outside of school. No socializing with family. No TV, no video games, no exposure to popular culture. No revealing clothes. A very limited amount of just the right foods. This was not a religious thing. My mother suffered from mental illness, controlled my life to an unhealthy degree and did not allow me to develop any kind of independence, which affected my college and career choices and ability to function in both, as well as in my private life. As a result of both nature and nurture, I too have major anxiety.

I was a compliant child and read books. My mother was very loving. I didn't realize how others really lived until I left home.

So... the trauma, if if can be called that, is the sort of brain-washing that a cult-member lives through. There's no pain in the moment, but there is pain afterward when you realize how stunted you are.

Can you pls comment on what the mental disorders were?

I married someone with a similar parent group and they all have aspergers. He does too. He has terrible anxiety and freezes in new situations, or when asked things VC he doesn’t know what to say. But new things are always coming because we have kids and are doing new things all the time.

what is VC?

[Anonymous]

I don't think I would know any different. As an adult, I watch my friends try and stop the generational trauma that was their childhoods and it's really, really hard.

One of my parents had a childhood that would make your hair curl, she worked really hard to not repeat those patterns and make sure we had adequate coping mechanisms for dealing with disappointment, that were resilient, that we stood up for ourselves, and that we were compassionate. She is a great parent. I try and model that in my own kids.

Could something happen that would cause me much more trauma now than if I had already been dulled to some events prior? Sure, but what an odd thing to wish on someone.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with no childhood trauma. But my mother lost her parents at 9 and 14 (backdrop if the Great Depression and WWII). My father had a fairly idyllic life. So my sister and I came out more resilient than you would expect. Perhaps because our parents lived through such trying times and helped us figure out what was a small problem and what was a real problem.

No real trauma. Normal deaths at normal times. My remaining grandparents lived to 87 and 99. My parents each lived to 84. I ended up with two children with SN. We tackled it fairly well. My "trauma" and PSTD tendencies come from the IEPs, interactions with the schools, and the effort it took to get our youngest the tools and things he needed. Youngest just received his BS and is taking a year off to recalibrate and apply to grad school. Some of my PTSD has been triggered by the process it took him to get accommodations for the GRE and for him to take one grad school class this fall.. Again, it took far too long and has labyrinthian steps.