My mom hates my fiancé

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom hates my fiancé of 4 years. Wedding in 2 weeks and mom goes nuclear and tells me she won’t come to the wedding now. Refers to fiancé as a “thug”. Fiancé is a good girl, but my mom has turned her into a monster. It wasn’t like this pre-Covid. I talked to my fiancé and she’s sad but supportive for me. I’m not leaving my fiancé over this. But should we just cancel the wedding and move on with our lives? We also just moved from Houston back to DC to be closer to my mom so this new revelation cuts deep. Any advice?

what's a thug?

how does your mom turn your male fiance into a monster? fiance is responsible for fiance's behavior.

how long has this gone on if you were in Texas and just moved to DC? Have they met before moving?

[Anonymous]

Your mother characterized her as such because she failed to comport herself in a manner that would compel respect. Cursing at your fiancé within earshot of his family? Déclassé.

[Anonymous]

If anyone but an immediate family member called my spouse a thug, I would be done with them. For immediate family members who cannot be civil to my spouse, I would limit my interactions with them and attempt to keep my spouse from having to interact with them.

In this case, I would tell my mom that I was sorry to hear that she won't be coming to the wedding, but that I will save her a seat in case she changes her mind and is willing to apologize to my fiancee. Then I would probably cry for a bit and move on as best I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During this fight was your fiancee calling you names, swearing at you or threatening you?

OP here.

Yes, it got pretty nasty with each other. A bad moment for both of us.

If I heard my kid fighting with their fiancee, and her was calling him names, swearing at him, and threatening him, I'd be pretty worried. I wonder what your fiancee said to your mom two years ago? I'd imagine that hearing her abuse you brought it back up. How bad was what she said?

Do you often fight with your fiancee like this? Whether or not you think your mom heard? I'm wondering if she's picking up on something, and maybe even misinterpreting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During this fight was your fiancee calling you names, swearing at you or threatening you?

OP here.

Yes, it got pretty nasty with each other. A bad moment for both of us.

If I heard my kid fighting with their fiancee, and her was calling him names, swearing at him, and threatening him, I'd be pretty worried. I wonder what your fiancee said to your mom two years ago? I'd imagine that hearing her abuse you brought it back up. How bad was what she said?

Do you often fight with your fiancee like this? Whether or not you think your mom heard? I'm wondering if she's picking up on something, and maybe even misinterpreting it.

OP here.

F and I don't usually fight. We stupidly combined a move from Houston, her starting a new job, wedding and new house all into a short time period and we snapped at each other under that stress. We never threatened each other, but just called each other names or brought up old sore spots. As for the convo that happened 2 years ago, Mom is saying that F was dismissive of her when she tried to make conversation and that it happened again a few months after the original issue. I don't remember that or else I would've said something then...

At this point, I'm just resigned to the fact that she won't be at the wedding and will hate my fiancee/wife. I can't control her and just need to accept it. This just sucks.

[Anonymous]

Only you can determine if the fight was a one time, stress induced, mess or a larger issue.

On all the rest, your mom is not reacting rationally to a situation that she should know how to deal with (your getting married) and has had plenty of time to plan for. You should not cancel your wedding for her. Just calmly let her know that you would be sad if she didn't come and you think she would regret it and it would harm her relationship with both you and fiancee. She is a grown adult and can make her own choices. You are a grown adult and are making yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you may be enmeshed with your Mom. Did you lose a parent early and in essence became her ‘husband’? If so she is feeling ‘replaced’. This is common in fractured and dysfunctional families and will need counseling. Your model is the Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps...he has done a masterful job - but learned this (I’m guessing) through his multiple girlfriends and counseling.

OP - this response from page 1 seems to fit your situation perfectly.

Your mom’s behavior calls out for counseling; can you get help for her? (will her insurance cover her counseling?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During this fight was your fiancee calling you names, swearing at you or threatening you?

OP here.

Yes, it got pretty nasty with each other. A bad moment for both of us.

If I heard my kid fighting with their fiancee, and her was calling him names, swearing at him, and threatening him, I'd be pretty worried. I wonder what your fiancee said to your mom two years ago? I'd imagine that hearing her abuse you brought it back up. How bad was what she said?

Do you often fight with your fiancee like this? Whether or not you think your mom heard? I'm wondering if she's picking up on something, and maybe even misinterpreting it.

OP here.

F and I don't usually fight. We stupidly combined a move from Houston, her starting a new job, wedding and new house all into a short time period and we snapped at each other under that stress. We never threatened each other, but just called each other names or brought up old sore spots. As for the convo that happened 2 years ago, Mom is saying that F was dismissive of her when she tried to make conversation and that it happened again a few months after the original issue. I don't remember that or else I would've said something then...

At this point, I'm just resigned to the fact that she won't be at the wedding and will hate my fiancee/wife. I can't control her and just need to accept it. This just sucks.

It may suck a little but not all that much. I didn’t give a damn about my father saying I shouldn’t marry my girlfriend and not coming to the wedding. It’s no big deal. Parents have disapproved of their kids’ choices since time immemorial. Happens all the time. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

What race are you OP? Are you from another country?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Invite her, don't press the issue, just tell her you hope she'll come. Give her the space to back down on her own. Don't make drama with other family members. Don't tell your fiancee everything your mom says. Don't stir the fire, just let it die down. If she doesn't come, she doesn't come, there's not a lot you can do. But maybe she'll relent if you leave the door open, but also don't back down. You can tell her that if she has real concerns and can express them respectfully, you'll listen, but that you're not going to listen to her just trash your fiancee, and that you plan to marry her whether or not your mom attends the wedding -- although you hope she'll come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During this fight was your fiancee calling you names, swearing at you or threatening you?

OP here.

Yes, it got pretty nasty with each other. A bad moment for both of us.

Are you the same OP of the thread about the dogs at the wedding?


If you are I really think you need to think about marrying this woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During this fight was your fiancee calling you names, swearing at you or threatening you?

OP here.

Yes, it got pretty nasty with each other. A bad moment for both of us.

Are you the same OP of the thread about the dogs at the wedding?


If you are I really think you need to think about marrying this woman.

Link? I'm a sucker for vicarious wedding drama.

[Anonymous]

If you respect your mother and value her judgment generally then you should give some more thought to whether this wedding is a good idea. If she's some kind of a wacko who you can't trust to actually have a mature attitude toward your life then go ahead with the wedding and worry about mom later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During this fight was your fiancee calling you names, swearing at you or threatening you?

OP here.

Yes, it got pretty nasty with each other. A bad moment for both of us.

Are you the same OP of the thread about the dogs at the wedding?


If you are I really think you need to think about marrying this woman.

Link? I'm a sucker for vicarious wedding drama.

I'm not sure it's the same OP now... but it's still an interesting read https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/992495.page

[Anonymous]

NP. We've been married 22 years and we've been in plenty of fights, but we don't call names or fight dirty. For example, I've never heard my DH use the word b*tch, and believe me, there were times when I deserved that name.

So I'm a little concerned because right now is the easiest time for you as a couple. You may not think so, with a move, etc, but really you only have to worry about yourselves and your careers. When you have kids in the mix, and one of them is sick, or your parents are dying and your kids are sick at the same time, or one of you got laid off, etc etc, it's a whole other level of hard. If you don't fight well, (handle conflict well) at this stage, it's a warning. Your mom may have picked up on this.