Husband gets massively annoyed that the house has to be maintained

[Anonymous]

The people giving you advice on just hiring someone and doing it are spot on. That's what I do. And when DH starts to complain, or get angry---I used to get angry back, but then I just started responding calmly and matter-of-factly, like one does to an unreasonable tantrumming child, "Yes, honey. I fixed the rotting board on the deck. It is a safety hazard."

[Anonymous]

Husband massively annoyed at being an adult....


Next!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adulting so damn annoying. To some.

This. There need to be classes on how to adult. We just weren't taught that well I think as a society.

That was covered during “parenting.” Teaching moments galore if you’re actually parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best way to deal with people who get angry about rational things is to just let them get angry. It is not your responsibility to not make him angry about simple adult tasks that need to be done. I would let him know that you would like to talk about ongoing house maintenance that needs to be done and if he doesn't want to talk about it fine but you're moving forward and then do so.

All of this. And he doesn't get to complain afterward.

[Anonymous]

That sucks, OP. Do you think he would agree to/do better with an annual budget for house stuff? Like, you put $10k of seed money and add $5k/year, and you manage the stuff within that budget? Obvs could still have something catastrophic happen but maybe it would help him to plan.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I was there. My estranged H refused to allot money for household repairs; I would make arrangements and pay, he would rant and scream for days and act out with money. I couldn't do it anymore and I left. When it came time to sell the house, the number of deferred repairs really impacted the proceeds from the sale. It really was a case of paying later...

[Anonymous]

A house that never needs maintenance and repair is a unicorn. Doesn't happen. If he's that cheap with his money, tell him he'll need to be generous with his time by learning to do the maintenance himself with the help of YouTube and the Orange Store.

You can either spend more money or more time, but if you spend neither the problems will only get worse and you'll end up spending ten times what you could have spent if you had dealt with the problem five years ago. I watched one of my neighbors let a $150 house repair turn into a $6k house repair over the course of five years because they were being cheap. I tried to warn them, but they didn't listen. It cost them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH sort of does this when things break down in the house. Leads by complaining that the house was shoddily built. It’s incredibly annoying.

But, we were in marital counseling for other issues and he was explaining how he dislikes when I leave holiday decorations out beyond what he sees as an appropriate amount of time. Then he gets a wild hair and puts them all away and throws out those he doesn’t like. What he revealed was that having the decorations out really ratchets up his anxiety (and IMO undiagnosed ADHD) when they are out.

Point being, perhaps your spouse has an issue with anxiety in these situations and it is causing him to lash out?

Sounds like my husband. We just had remodeling done two years ago and while I agree that there are some things that could have been done with better product, like paint that doesn’t seem to come off if you blow at the wall, there are some things that just happen. We have an OTR microwave that suddenly stopped getting hot when microwaving our leftovers. He likes to blame these “sudden” issues on me or my nearly adult daughters (we are a blended family and his kids are out of the house now, mine are 17 and 18). He said “you sure no one put something in the microwave that doesn’t belong?” Like metal or something. I looked at him and dismissed that question. I also said that we have to change the charcoal filter. He said “I’ve never had to change a filter in a microwave in all my life, I call BS” he also never had an Over The Range microwave that circulates air. Shm. He said “things don’t stop working suddenly” and I couldn’t have laughed so hard in my life if I tried. He also said that he had a rough day at work and is so *bleeping* annoyed because it seems that every time he turns around, it’s always *bleeping* something and that he didn’t want to talk about it. He throws money at people too to fix things instead of doing it himself because he does work so much. It took everything in my being to calmly respond with “I need to be able to talk to you about these things (house maintenance) without you becoming so frustrated that you start to swear.” Then I left him to his thoughts until he came to bed and apologized in his own way (the man never uses the word sorry, but I know he is, sometimes).

[Anonymous]

Agree to disagree.

[Anonymous]

Cut him some slack. Very few guys enjoy house maintenance. He's not one of them. You should have married a Navy vet -- spend all their time scraping rust & painting the ship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adulting so damn annoying. To some.

This. There need to be classes on how to adult. We just weren't taught that well I think as a society.

That was covered during “parenting.” Teaching moments galore if you’re actually parenting.

You realize that the children of parents who don’t understand they need to do routine maintenance… don’t learn that they need to do routine maintenance… and if two of these children get together as adults, what do their children (not) learn?

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this, though he doesn’t get angry. He just drags his feet and ignores. I now 1. ask if he wants to do it or let me take care of it and 2. tell him if it doesn’t happen in a month I get to handle it my way. It’s not great but it gives him some sense of being the decision maker, which seems to be at least part of the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best way to deal with people who get angry about rational things is to just let them get angry. It is not your responsibility to not make him angry about simple adult tasks that need to be done. I would let him know that you would like to talk about ongoing house maintenance that needs to be done and if he doesn't want to talk about it fine but you're moving forward and then do so.

+100000. Unless something that immediately impacts my STBX is literally falling apart, he irrationally refuses to do anything. Deck wooden stairs rotting? Who cares! Iron railings rusting? NBD! Lead paint chipping off baseboard? You’re being crazy, lead poisoning doesn’t actually happen. I stopped even discussing with him.

Now we are getting ready to sell the house as part of our divorce that we have put zero dollars into maintaining (let alone improving) and he is under the deluded impression that we will get the same as comps in the neighborhood that are beautifully maintained and renovated …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adulting so damn annoying. To some.

This. There need to be classes on how to adult. We just weren't taught that well I think as a society.

That was covered during “parenting.” Teaching moments galore if you’re actually parenting.

(Quietly raises hand). I am a woman and my parents did not cover many of these basic household things. I would go back and thank my former roommates but truthfully I am too embarrassed

You realize that the children of parents who don’t understand they need to do routine maintenance… don’t learn that they need to do routine maintenance… and if two of these children get together as adults, what do their children (not) learn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adulting so damn annoying. To some.

This. There need to be classes on how to adult. We just weren't taught that well I think as a society.

That was covered during “parenting.” Teaching moments galore if you’re actually parenting.

You realize that the children of parents who don’t understand they need to do routine maintenance… don’t learn that they need to do routine maintenance… and if two of these children get together as adults, what do their children (not) learn?

Anonymous wrote:


(Quietly raises hand). I am a woman and my parents did not cover many of these basic household things. I would go back and thank my former roommates but truthfully I am too embarrassed