Lapsed Catholics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t criticize me for choosing to be a practicing catholic and raising my kids in the faith.

But, if you are a lapsed catholic, is there anything your parents did or did not do that contributed to you wanting to leave the church? I don’t care about any of the issues with the church. I’m well aware of the issues. But, when it came to family devotions, practices, schooling, etc...do you think your parents did or didn’t do anything that factored into your teen/adult thoughts and choices?

No, it had nothing to do with my parents.

We left because of a.) priest sex abuse scandals; b.) no female priests; and c.) anti-gay teachings.

Several of my gay friends have told me they have found Catholic parishes they love, so I'm willing to bend on that one. The sex abuse is hard to overlook, though. Still, I miss many things about it. The rituals, the calming feeling of a Mass, the simplicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. OP

I was raised catholic and as we got older my parents got more strict with what we would do as a family. Not exactly forced but not super optional. I think that contributed to my brother leaving the church.

In the many years since becoming a parent, I’ve become friends with families who are quite involved. Homeschool, daily family rosary, holy hours, all the extras, etc. we are weekly mass goers, holy days, etc. My kids go to public school and CCD and we have been inconsistent with daily family prayer time as they get older. But sometimes I wonder if I’m doing enough.

Don’t make it about being Catholic. Make it about God, faith and gratitude. And explain the way you choose to express this is through Catholicism. When they question things, tell them how you resolve them. But help them to find answers to their questions on their own. Don’t panic when they stray from the faith.
And remember the goal isn’t to make them Catholic. The goal is for them to be good people who are kind. I mean would be happy if they were devout practicing Catholics and abusing kids? See, the Catholicism is secondary. So focus on that.

+1

So very much this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t criticize me for choosing to be a practicing catholic and raising my kids in the faith.

But, if you are a lapsed catholic, is there anything your parents did or did not do that contributed to you wanting to leave the church? I don’t care about any of the issues with the church. I’m well aware of the issues. But, when it came to family devotions, practices, schooling, etc...do you think your parents did or didn’t do anything that factored into your teen/adult thoughts and choices?

No, it had nothing to do with my parents.

We left because of a.) priest sex abuse scandals; b.) no female priests; and c.) anti-gay teachings.

Several of my gay friends have told me they have found Catholic parishes they love, so I'm willing to bend on that one. The sex abuse is hard to overlook, though. Still, I miss many things about it. The rituals, the calming feeling of a Mass, the simplicity.

p.s. My parents did a good job. We went to church every Sunday and did CCD. My dad was deeply religious ... volunteered a ton and prayed to Mary on a regular basis. My mom liked to go to church to see her friends, LOL. They taught us our prayers and were fairly strict, but not over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t criticize me for choosing to be a practicing catholic and raising my kids in the faith.

But, if you are a lapsed catholic, is there anything your parents did or did not do that contributed to you wanting to leave the church? I don’t care about any of the issues with the church. I’m well aware of the issues. But, when it came to family devotions, practices, schooling, etc...do you think your parents did or didn’t do anything that factored into your teen/adult thoughts and choices?

My parents did everything right. 13 years of excellent Catholic school, where we had daily Mass. Prayed the Rosary with my Dad. I had exposure to both the Jesuits and the Opus Dei. I was happy and proud of my faith and my church.

It was the other issues you are well aware of but don't want to discuss. IMO if you want your kids to stay Catholic, then you have to teach them a critical understanding of the Church now, while they are young. Otherwise their faith will be shattered when the Church's failures manifest themselves.

I agree with this. If you instill a rigid, overly idealized version of faith, it will not be able to withstand the inevitable pressure of the real world. It will crack and shatter. You have to be realistic, and also decide what aspects of Catholicism are the most important to impart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t criticize me for choosing to be a practicing catholic and raising my kids in the faith.

But, if you are a lapsed catholic, is there anything your parents did or did not do that contributed to you wanting to leave the church? I don’t care about any of the issues with the church. I’m well aware of the issues. But, when it came to family devotions, practices, schooling, etc...do you think your parents did or didn’t do anything that factored into your teen/adult thoughts and choices?

No, it had nothing to do with my parents.

We left because of a.) priest sex abuse scandals; b.) no female priests; and c.) anti-gay teachings.

Several of my gay friends have told me they have found Catholic parishes they love, so I'm willing to bend on that one. The sex abuse is hard to overlook, though. Still, I miss many things about it. The rituals, the calming feeling of a Mass, the simplicity.

You might try an Episcopal church. A very similar liturgy (even some of the same songs), centered on the Eucharist, but with female and/or gay priests permitted. I can't say that there's never been a sex abuse scandal, because there are scandals wherever there are people, but the structure and involvement of the laity in church leadership means that, among other things, the church can't just shuffle the offender off to another parish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t criticize me for choosing to be a practicing catholic and raising my kids in the faith.

But, if you are a lapsed catholic, is there anything your parents did or did not do that contributed to you wanting to leave the church? I don’t care about any of the issues with the church. I’m well aware of the issues. But, when it came to family devotions, practices, schooling, etc...do you think your parents did or didn’t do anything that factored into your teen/adult thoughts and choices?

No, it had nothing to do with my parents.

We left because of a.) priest sex abuse scandals; b.) no female priests; and c.) anti-gay teachings.

Several of my gay friends have told me they have found Catholic parishes they love, so I'm willing to bend on that one. The sex abuse is hard to overlook, though. Still, I miss many things about it. The rituals, the calming feeling of a Mass, the simplicity.

You might try an Episcopal church. A very similar liturgy (even some of the same songs), centered on the Eucharist, but with female and/or gay priests permitted. I can't say that there's never been a sex abuse scandal, because there are scandals wherever there are people, but the structure and involvement of the laity in church leadership means that, among other things, the church can't just shuffle the offender off to another parish.

Except joining a non-catholic church is a mortal sin for Catholics.

[Anonymous]

My Catholic parents are judgemental AF. They changed churches because they saw that a deacon at the church they had attended for 20+ years had an Al Gore bumper sticker on his car. They decided this deacon supported "baby murder" (their term for abortion) and they couldn't possibly take communion from such a person. Completely ridiculous. So yeah, some of their actions influenced me to leave Catholocism and go to the Episcopal church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t criticize me for choosing to be a practicing catholic and raising my kids in the faith.

But, if you are a lapsed catholic, is there anything your parents did or did not do that contributed to you wanting to leave the church? I don’t care about any of the issues with the church. I’m well aware of the issues. But, when it came to family devotions, practices, schooling, etc...do you think your parents did or didn’t do anything that factored into your teen/adult thoughts and choices?

No, it had nothing to do with my parents.

We left because of a.) priest sex abuse scandals; b.) no female priests; and c.) anti-gay teachings.

Several of my gay friends have told me they have found Catholic parishes they love, so I'm willing to bend on that one. The sex abuse is hard to overlook, though. Still, I miss many things about it. The rituals, the calming feeling of a Mass, the simplicity.

You might try an Episcopal church. A very similar liturgy (even some of the same songs), centered on the Eucharist, but with female and/or gay priests permitted. I can't say that there's never been a sex abuse scandal, because there are scandals wherever there are people, but the structure and involvement of the laity in church leadership means that, among other things, the church can't just shuffle the offender off to another parish.

Except joining a non-catholic church is a mortal sin for Catholics.

Since I'm not Catholic anymore, I don't care. (I mean, molesting kids is also a mortal sin, and I'm pretty sure than enabling others to molest kids is, too, but that didn't seem to bother the Church all that much.) Plus, skipping Mass is a mortal sin, too, and if you're damned either way, it seems it would be preferable to at least attend a church service than not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t criticize me for choosing to be a practicing catholic and raising my kids in the faith.

But, if you are a lapsed catholic, is there anything your parents did or did not do that contributed to you wanting to leave the church? I don’t care about any of the issues with the church. I’m well aware of the issues. But, when it came to family devotions, practices, schooling, etc...do you think your parents did or didn’t do anything that factored into your teen/adult thoughts and choices?

No, it had nothing to do with my parents.

We left because of a.) priest sex abuse scandals; b.) no female priests; and c.) anti-gay teachings.

Several of my gay friends have told me they have found Catholic parishes they love, so I'm willing to bend on that one. The sex abuse is hard to overlook, though. Still, I miss many things about it. The rituals, the calming feeling of a Mass, the simplicity.

You might try an Episcopal church. A very similar liturgy (even some of the same songs), centered on the Eucharist, but with female and/or gay priests permitted. I can't say that there's never been a sex abuse scandal, because there are scandals wherever there are people, but the structure and involvement of the laity in church leadership means that, among other things, the church can't just shuffle the offender off to another parish.

Except joining a non-catholic church is a mortal sin for Catholics.

Since I'm not Catholic anymore, I don't care. (I mean, molesting kids is also a mortal sin, and I'm pretty sure than enabling others to molest kids is, too, but that didn't seem to bother the Church all that much.) Plus, skipping Mass is a mortal sin, too, and if you're damned either way, it seems it would be preferable to at least attend a church service than not.

Exactly.

Mortal sin is one of things I remember most strongly from my childhood, and now I don't believe in it at all.

But taking care of the poor? Loving one another? I'm good with that.

[Anonymous]

My parents doing "more" or "less" with respect to my upbringing would not have in any way changed my ultimate decision as a college student to leave the church. Had they done more in terms of forcing me to pray the rosary or go to confession, it might have driven me out sooner. Had we been just Christmas-and-Easter Catholics, I might have "stayed" longer, but it would have been meaningless and empty.

OP, you've given them exposure to the church. You've baptised them. Hopefully, you've modeled moral behavior. At this point, it's going to be up to them.

I do agree with the PP that if you have shielded them from the hypocrisy and, uh, "issues" with the church, it's likely to really shatter their faith when they find it out. At a minimum, let them be aware of the flaws and sins in the church's very recent history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t criticize me for choosing to be a practicing catholic and raising my kids in the faith.

But, if you are a lapsed catholic, is there anything your parents did or did not do that contributed to you wanting to leave the church? I don’t care about any of the issues with the church. I’m well aware of the issues. But, when it came to family devotions, practices, schooling, etc...do you think your parents did or didn’t do anything that factored into your teen/adult thoughts and choices?

No, it had nothing to do with my parents.

We left because of a.) priest sex abuse scandals; b.) no female priests; and c.) anti-gay teachings.

Several of my gay friends have told me they have found Catholic parishes they love, so I'm willing to bend on that one. The sex abuse is hard to overlook, though. Still, I miss many things about it. The rituals, the calming feeling of a Mass, the simplicity.

You might try an Episcopal church. A very similar liturgy (even some of the same songs), centered on the Eucharist, but with female and/or gay priests permitted. I can't say that there's never been a sex abuse scandal, because there are scandals wherever there are people, but the structure and involvement of the laity in church leadership means that, among other things, the church can't just shuffle the offender off to another parish.

Except joining a non-catholic church is a mortal sin for Catholics.

Since I'm not Catholic anymore, I don't care. (I mean, molesting kids is also a mortal sin, and I'm pretty sure than enabling others to molest kids is, too, but that didn't seem to bother the Church all that much.) Plus, skipping Mass is a mortal sin, too, and if you're damned either way, it seems it would be preferable to at least attend a church service than not.

Exactly.

Mortal sin is one of things I remember most strongly from my childhood, and now I don't believe in it at all.

But taking care of the poor? Loving one another? I'm good with that.

You don't need to be Catholic to take care of the poor and love each other. Lots of people, with or without religion, do that.

[Anonymous]

I know there is no perfect formula. I know families with 8 kids who all went to the same super catholic college and then all married 8 other Catholics and had many more children. Why did it “stick” with these 8 kids? There are also countless stories of priests and nuns that barely went to church, partied hard in college and then joined the religious life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know there is no perfect formula. I know families with 8 kids who all went to the same super catholic college and then all married 8 other Catholics and had many more children. Why did it “stick” with these 8 kids? There are also countless stories of priests and nuns that barely went to church, partied hard in college and then joined the religious life.

I know of a family like this. For them, they sent all their kids to Catholic schools in this area and everyone knows the same people and spouses came from that social circle - not entirely, but one kid married their sibling's best friend. Remaining Catholic is as much cultural as it is spiritual. All of their kids go to Catholic schools and know the same people too. And so it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know there is no perfect formula. I know families with 8 kids who all went to the same super catholic college and then all married 8 other Catholics and had many more children. Why did it “stick” with these 8 kids? There are also countless stories of priests and nuns that barely went to church, partied hard in college and then joined the religious life.

I know of a family like this. For them, they sent all their kids to Catholic schools in this area and everyone knows the same people and spouses came from that social circle - not entirely, but one kid married their sibling's best friend. Remaining Catholic is as much cultural as it is spiritual. All of their kids go to Catholic schools and know the same people too. And so it goes.

If your world is Catholic, then there is a lot more inertia keeping you Catholic. But there's no guarantee, even then, and it can be much harder for someone suffering a real crisis of faith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t criticize me for choosing to be a practicing catholic and raising my kids in the faith.

But, if you are a lapsed catholic, is there anything your parents did or did not do that contributed to you wanting to leave the church? I don’t care about any of the issues with the church. I’m well aware of the issues. But, when it came to family devotions, practices, schooling, etc...do you think your parents did or didn’t do anything that factored into your teen/adult thoughts and choices?

No, it had nothing to do with my parents.

We left because of a.) priest sex abuse scandals; b.) no female priests; and c.) anti-gay teachings.

Several of my gay friends have told me they have found Catholic parishes they love, so I'm willing to bend on that one. The sex abuse is hard to overlook, though. Still, I miss many things about it. The rituals, the calming feeling of a Mass, the simplicity.

You might try an Episcopal church. A very similar liturgy (even some of the same songs), centered on the Eucharist, but with female and/or gay priests permitted. I can't say that there's never been a sex abuse scandal, because there are scandals wherever there are people, but the structure and involvement of the laity in church leadership means that, among other things, the church can't just shuffle the offender off to another parish.

Except joining a non-catholic church is a mortal sin for Catholics.

But at the point at which a Catholic can't morally stomach attending a Catholic church any more, I think they've pretty much left behind the idea that the Catholic Church really gets to decide what is and is not a mortal sin. Last I heard, that's a call God makes.