Lapsed Catholics

[Anonymous]

Well my mother was schooled by nuns, which is a great cure for practicing Catholicism later in life

The most that can be said of her experience at school was that no one died... although some came perilously close (my mother included).

[Anonymous]

My mother is a very good and devout woman. She raised me in what can be considered a liberal Catholic church in the DMV. In the sense that it was very intellectual strong focus on social justice. I think that my mom believed that somehow, that particular parish did not *really* follow all of the teachings of the church. Somehow, she got me first communion without me having ever gone to penance. I know I met with the priest 1:1 at that time, and I've been to services with general absolution, however I have never confessed my sins. My mom believed that I should not have to do that. I went to, and loved my time at, a Catholic college. I learned in a Sacraments class that I should have been to confession prior to first communion. My mom was unapologetic about what she did. I stopped going to communion at that time while I thought hard about what I wanted to do. My mom, in the last two years, has started going to an Episcopal church for reasons that I won't list here but are the ones that probably come to mind immediately. I don't go to church, don't believe, but I return to the Hail Mary in times of trouble. What a wonderful thought that a woman who represents all of the goodness in the world might pray for me. I'm giving you that long story so you have some context for my answer. I think that you should be very open and honest with your children about what might be the flaws with the church and how you reconcile that yourself. Until 2 years ago, my mom's framework of that was that the Church is like family and you don't leave your family because it's flawed, you work to improve things in your family. Good luck, and sincerely God Bless you and your family.

[Anonymous]

My Dad is a devout Sunday catholic. He’s a good boy and always goes. Follows Lent rules. So very devout in the things he’s supposed to do and believe.

In turn, I always went to church and CCD. And I was baptized (the day I was born because I was premature and there was a good chance I was going to die) and first communion. I started Confirmation classes.

But even from an early age I could see the hypocrisy early on. Then I learned my Mom got pregnant before they were married —so he follows some rules but not others. So he married my mom (because he didn’t want her to have an abortion) and I’ve had to deal with their crappy marriage my whole life. And the deep scars of two people who shouldn’t be married (but won’t divorce because Catholic). I spent my 20’s and 30’s undoing that damage.

Then in confirmation class I asked, if Adam and Eve were the only people on earth and they had 2 sons, who did the sons marry? And the teacher said “We don’t question the Bible”. That was the moment I was OUT.

Took a little while but I finally told my Dad I didn’t believe in God at 15 and his response was “No more TV until you believe in God”. So for him it was just something you do, not question. And he could force me to believe.

But as the years go on, I see just how flimsy his faith is. When Pope Francis said something that the Republican Party didn’t like, he was all up in arms. Despite saying he is a devout Catholic. Isn’t following the Pope the most basic tenet of Catholicism? If not that, then what’s the point of being a Catholic?

And now we have a devout devout Catholic in the WH and he is frothing to get Trump back in. The most unreligious man ever. (Unless you believe Trump is God)

And the thing that gets me the most is—we used IVF and Donor Eggs to have DS. My Dad is ga-ga crazy in love with him. But according to his faith he shouldn’t exist.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. OP

I was raised catholic and as we got older my parents got more strict with what we would do as a family. Not exactly forced but not super optional. I think that contributed to my brother leaving the church.

In the many years since becoming a parent, I’ve become friends with families who are quite involved. Homeschool, daily family rosary, holy hours, all the extras, etc. we are weekly mass goers, holy days, etc. My kids go to public school and CCD and we have been inconsistent with daily family prayer time as they get older. But sometimes I wonder if I’m doing enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. OP

I was raised catholic and as we got older my parents got more strict with what we would do as a family. Not exactly forced but not super optional. I think that contributed to my brother leaving the church.

In the many years since becoming a parent, I’ve become friends with families who are quite involved. Homeschool, daily family rosary, holy hours, all the extras, etc. we are weekly mass goers, holy days, etc. My kids go to public school and CCD and we have been inconsistent with daily family prayer time as they get older. But sometimes I wonder if I’m doing enough.

Don’t make it about being Catholic. Make it about God, faith and gratitude. And explain the way you choose to express this is through Catholicism. When they question things, tell them how you resolve them. But help them to find answers to their questions on their own. Don’t panic when they stray from the faith.
And remember the goal isn’t to make them Catholic. The goal is for them to be good people who are kind. I mean would be happy if they were devout practicing Catholics and abusing kids? See, the Catholicism is secondary. So focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They were entirely loving and accepting of my gay sibling (as was I) and it really made continuing in Catholicism seem absurd.

Yes!. This is pretty much what ended my practicing. My brother is gay. I had.a hard time wrapping my mind around a religion that promotes this "love thy neighbor" idea but also believes gay people are going to hell. The more I thought about it, the more the whole religion's concept unravelled for me. What's funny is I think back now and some of the meanest and most judgemental people I've ever met were at Church.

Yes I can't quite admit I am a lapsed catholic but I basically am. I want to have what I had as a child, but i feel like all the good parts are being taken away from me by the conservatives. But yeah - main reason is my brother is gay and had a horrible time and was basically kicked out of seminary and it all just feels so horrible and hypocritical now. I don't know how to square that with giving my kids a similar upbringing to what I had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they sent me to Catholic school where I could see and experience the hypocrisy, corruption, and abuse firsthand.

The bullying and corruption, including the creepy, touchy-feely parish priest who turned out to be embezzling $$$ from the church and school with the help of his secretary lover, really put me off Catholics, the Church, religious people who remain determinedly blind to the many, many flaws of the Church, and religion in general.

One of my classmates wrote a novel based on the horrifying freakshow that was our school: https://www.amazon.com/Brutal-Youth-Novel-Anthony-Breznican/dp/1250067898

Same here. The church knew and just moved the Priest around and around. UGH...

I am very sorry you had to experience that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. OP

I was raised catholic and as we got older my parents got more strict with what we would do as a family. Not exactly forced but not super optional. I think that contributed to my brother leaving the church.

In the many years since becoming a parent, I’ve become friends with families who are quite involved. Homeschool, daily family rosary, holy hours, all the extras, etc. we are weekly mass goers, holy days, etc. My kids go to public school and CCD and we have been inconsistent with daily family prayer time as they get older. But sometimes I wonder if I’m doing enough.

It sounds like you are putting a lot of thought into it.

There may come a day where your kids feel differently then you. My parents brought us to church every week, we prayed before meals and sent us to Catholic Schools.

I tried to make it work for me, but I finally couldn't. My parents accepted my decision and I am very grateful for that. They know I am a good person.

My dad and I talked about this when he was in hospice - he simply said 'the church left you".

God bless.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t lapse until well into my 40s and may still go back...just struggling lately with a lot of things and my super boring parish priest isn’t a good motivator.
My parents and grandmother were Catholic in pretty much all the best ways. Funny that PP was so against nuns—my mom was educated by Dominican sisters in HS and Ursuline sisters in college and loved them. She had gone to public ES but got a scholarship for a very good HS and just always appreciated the wonderful and very feminist for its time education she received. Almost all of the women she went to college with went on to very impressive careers as artists, teachers, professors, lawyers, business executives....and that was in the 50s!
We always had priests in our house and they were always really nice guys. Maybe we got lucky.
My big problem with the church is that it now just seems like it is 100 years behind the times. 20, 30, 40 years I could accept. But it’s 2020–when are they going to start accepting birth control? The planet is literally drowning in humans. I feel like they are only 30-40 years behind in gay rights, but probably 60 years behind on women’s rights and procreation issues, and I’m just getting really tired of it.

[Anonymous]

In my case my parents took us to church on Sundays but that was about it - in high school and early in college I went to church and religious education on my own, but ultimately I didn't find what I was seeking and just realized that I don't really believe in it at all. My mom will still say "pray for so and so" to me but I haven't prayed for 25+ years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case my parents took us to church on Sundays but that was about it - in high school and early in college I went to church and religious education on my own, but ultimately I didn't find what I was seeking and just realized that I don't really believe in it at all. My mom will still say "pray for so and so" to me but I haven't prayed for 25+ years.

Even when I believed, I didn't pray. I knew all the prayers, but couldn't imagine how god could listen to prayers from everyone and it was pretty clear that he didn't answer most of them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They were entirely loving and accepting of my gay sibling (as was I) and it really made continuing in Catholicism seem absurd.

Yes!. This is pretty much what ended my practicing. My brother is gay. I had.a hard time wrapping my mind around a religion that promotes this "love thy neighbor" idea but also believes gay people are going to hell. The more I thought about it, the more the whole religion's concept unravelled for me. What's funny is I think back now and some of the meanest and most judgemental people I've ever met were at Church.

Yes I can't quite admit I am a lapsed catholic but I basically am. I want to have what I had as a child, but i feel like all the good parts are being taken away from me by the conservatives. But yeah - main reason is my brother is gay and had a horrible time and was basically kicked out of seminary and it all just feels so horrible and hypocritical now. I don't know how to square that with giving my kids a similar upbringing to what I had.

I thought the seminaries were full of gay guys.

[Anonymous]

I lapsed...I think ultimately to me the church was/is too conservative and not near enough repentance for the horrors the church abetted. I have children now and I desire to raise them Catholic as it is a part of our culture and there are still parts I value greatly but the church as an institution I really struggle with immersing them in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They were entirely loving and accepting of my gay sibling (as was I) and it really made continuing in Catholicism seem absurd.

Yes!. This is pretty much what ended my practicing. My brother is gay. I had.a hard time wrapping my mind around a religion that promotes this "love thy neighbor" idea but also believes gay people are going to hell. The more I thought about it, the more the whole religion's concept unravelled for me. What's funny is I think back now and some of the meanest and most judgemental people I've ever met were at Church.

Yes I can't quite admit I am a lapsed catholic but I basically am. I want to have what I had as a child, but i feel like all the good parts are being taken away from me by the conservatives. But yeah - main reason is my brother is gay and had a horrible time and was basically kicked out of seminary and it all just feels so horrible and hypocritical now. I don't know how to square that with giving my kids a similar upbringing to what I had.

I thought the seminaries were full of gay guys.

Highly closeted gay guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t criticize me for choosing to be a practicing catholic and raising my kids in the faith.

But, if you are a lapsed catholic, is there anything your parents did or did not do that contributed to you wanting to leave the church? I don’t care about any of the issues with the church. I’m well aware of the issues. But, when it came to family devotions, practices, schooling, etc...do you think your parents did or didn’t do anything that factored into your teen/adult thoughts and choices?

My parents did everything right. 13 years of excellent Catholic school, where we had daily Mass. Prayed the Rosary with my Dad. I had exposure to both the Jesuits and the Opus Dei. I was happy and proud of my faith and my church.

It was the other issues you are well aware of but don't want to discuss. IMO if you want your kids to stay Catholic, then you have to teach them a critical understanding of the Church now, while they are young. Otherwise their faith will be shattered when the Church's failures manifest themselves.