How did you change after becoming a mom?

[Anonymous]

Everything related to kids are priority, husband is moved to end of my list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anything child abuse/trauma/neglect/crime -type things pull at my heartstrings like nothing before. I've always found those situations pre-kids, don't get me wrong, but now as a parent it really gets to me..
I can't even watch Law &Order SVU anymore.

I felt that way too. I was in a psych residency when I had my first, so stories of child abuse/trauma were part of my day to day. My perspective on them changed greatly.
At the same time, I completely understood how you might lose it and hit your kid or shake your baby. There were a couple of times that I had to just put my children in their cribs, go to the kitchen, and turn the faucet on so that I couldn't hear them cry and could just chill out for 5 minutes.

[Anonymous]

I shifted my whole perspective on ambition.

I thought I would for sure be a private school parent invested in giving my child the best of everything. But now I find that sort of striving and wealth accumulation kind of... gross.

I just want my child to have a happy, low-pressure childhood filled with simple pleasures. And I want that for other kids too. Now as a parent, I find the haves versus have nots even more upsetting. Why should some kids get so much and some get so little? I think the more socialist countries have it right with universal daycare access and tax-funded higher ed that's accessible for everyone.

I've also dramatically scaled back my own professional ambition. My intense job is no longer worth it. My kid doesn't need what it can buy as much as they need me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite of a lot of posters, because I’m less anxious now than I used to be. My brain doesn’t have the leisure to create endless things to worry about because I’m much more in the moment. A nose needs wiping, a form needs signing, a crust needs to be cut off, and none of that will wait while I try to solve global warming and cure cancer just by fretting about them.

I’ve also become much more consciously aware of my own tendencies to be a fixer rather than a listener and an empathizer. And I try very hard to rein in my natural impulses to swoop in, and let my kids learn their own lessons, however painful, whenever it’s reasonable to do that.

I’ve also learned the importance of flexibility and adaptability. You can read all the books and study all the “methods,” but in the end you parent the kid you have in whatever way works for you and your family. Parenting is nothing if not humbling!

This is really quite beautifully said.

Agreed and it’s how I’ve changed too. Less time and energy to worry about stuff not in front of me but at the same time more emphatic for those around me (sounds contradictory but it’s how I feel).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anything child abuse/trauma/neglect/crime -type things pull at my heartstrings like nothing before. I've always found those situations pre-kids, don't get me wrong, but now as a parent it really gets to me..
I can't even watch Law &Order SVU anymore.

This. Everyone says that Handmaid's Tale is good tv. Too bad I, mother of two daughters, can't even get through the first episode.

I became a lot more confident. You have to be in order to advocate for a small person you love.

I took fewer risks (quick left turns etc) when driving because there are small people relying on my being healthy and alive.

I took better control of my mental health (see above)

I stopped being a workaholic and I don't miss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I shifted my whole perspective on ambition.

I thought I would for sure be a private school parent invested in giving my child the best of everything. But now I find that sort of striving and wealth accumulation kind of... gross.

I just want my child to have a happy, low-pressure childhood filled with simple pleasures. And I want that for other kids too. Now as a parent, I find the haves versus have nots even more upsetting. Why should some kids get so much and some get so little? I think the more socialist countries have it right with universal daycare access and tax-funded higher ed that's accessible for everyone.

I've also dramatically scaled back my own professional ambition. My intense job is no longer worth it. My kid doesn't need what it can buy as much as they need me.

13:38 here. I should have read this response first because I didn't write it, but I could have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I shifted my whole perspective on ambition.

I thought I would for sure be a private school parent invested in giving my child the best of everything. But now I find that sort of striving and wealth accumulation kind of... gross.

I just want my child to have a happy, low-pressure childhood filled with simple pleasures. And I want that for other kids too. Now as a parent, I find the haves versus have nots even more upsetting. Why should some kids get so much and some get so little? I think the more socialist countries have it right with universal daycare access and tax-funded higher ed that's accessible for everyone.

I've also dramatically scaled back my own professional ambition. My intense job is no longer worth it. My kid doesn't need what it can buy as much as they need me.

I wish I could afford to be a private school parent (I’m in the donut hole, could afford it if we stretched) and it’s not because I’m striving. It’s because the public schools of today seem a lot worse than the public schools I went to. Too much state testing and work on screens, bad curricula and large class sizes.

[Anonymous]

I wish I could say I’ve changed, but I’m really similar to the person I’ve always been for better and worse. I’m still a workaholic but now at a much less demanding job, so that is good. My lack of patience is still part of my personality, tho I try to keep it in check for the kids!!! I do appreciate my own parents a lot more now, seeing how much they love and dote on my kids. That’s been amazing. Wish we could see them in person argh!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I shifted my whole perspective on ambition.

I thought I would for sure be a private school parent invested in giving my child the best of everything. But now I find that sort of striving and wealth accumulation kind of... gross.

I just want my child to have a happy, low-pressure childhood filled with simple pleasures. And I want that for other kids too. Now as a parent, I find the haves versus have nots even more upsetting. Why should some kids get so much and some get so little? I think the more socialist countries have it right with universal daycare access and tax-funded higher ed that's accessible for everyone.

I've also dramatically scaled back my own professional ambition. My intense job is no longer worth it. My kid doesn't need what it can buy as much as they need me.

This this this. Having grown up in this area, I know the pressures that can get to kids (I also grew up in a traditional Asian household where it was, let's say, a lot of REALLY tough love), and I have to constantly remind myself to stay grounded and keep my daughter chill.

Other than that, I still feel myself. I was extremely scared to NOT feel like myself after I had my daughter. I still keep my hobbies to make sure to check in with myself- I think that's important. I know one family member who was a SAHM and after her kids left the house for school and became an empty nester, it became really depressing to see what she was going through. Not saying that all SAHMs will do this, but she completely lost herself and it truly scarred me.

[Anonymous]

I feel more rage now about women’s issues. Women’s health, the care of women in pregnancy and birth, postpartum mental health care, etc. These issues are so sorely under-researched and prioritized. It makes me furious. How do we have viagra but not know exactly what in a woman’s body triggers labor?

I am even more pro-choice than I was pre kids. Realizing how difficult modern parenthood is has made me even more sure that women—and their children—deserve a choice.

[Anonymous]

I've lost my libido. 7 years and counting.

Similar to a pp, I used to like all kids. Now I love my own but tolerate other kids.

There are often times when I'm seized with wonder at how guileless and innocent my kids are, followed almost immediately by panic that it will be taken away one day. I worry about physical and emotional harm coming their way out of unknown quarters.

I try to soak up moments when we are spending quality time together and making good memories. These moments are always tinged with a bit of sadness that what I hold dear may not even register in their long term memory.

And I fear my own mortality more than ever. I want to be there and be healthy for them until they reach early adulthood. I just don't feel that it's a given.

[Anonymous]

1) I feel like I've lost myself a bit, which I know is normal. DS is only 3 but I'm looking forward to some more time to myself in the future to get back to my non-parenting passions. Sometimes I resent parenthood bc I miss my own hobbies.

2) I'm always tired. Just constantly exhausted, which is depressing sometimes. Guessing the pandemic is partially to blame.

3) Less patience for trivial stuff - silly friend drama, people complaining about small stuff, etc.

It's not all bad, I feel incredible love and satisfaction from my relationship with DS, but parenthood has definitely dragged me through the mud a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have special needs children and I constantly worry.

Ditto. Hugs to you. I worry nonstop about my child and what the future and adulthood holds for her. Never knew I could worry this much.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs on learning to listen more rather than try to fix everything. My anxiety has also increased tremendously, but it's kind of low key, lurking in the background. Any story about kids being hurt also gets to me far more than before, which I didn't think was possible, ditto the rage over women's issues.

The biggest shift is probably that I am far more discerning about who and what gets my energy. I've allowed mildly toxic friendships to slide into indifference because I'm much less tolerant of needy, spoiled adults when I look at how hard my preschooler tries to pull on her big girl panties and handle her shit. She has every right to just let it all hang out and wail like a mindless banshee, but she'll analyze her own meltdowns and want to talk to me about exactly what set her off and how I can help her. It's cute and fascinating to listen to.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I have to really wrack my brain to remember what it was like to be pre-kids and my oldest is only four.

I am outgoing but behind that use to be a ton of self-doubt and social anxiety. As a mom, a lot of that has dissipated and I am much more confident on a day-to-day basis. I guess I have less mental space for it, plus I have two little people who think I am a hero, so I better believe it myself.

Similarly, non-kid stress like work, friend stuff, even family drama just doesn't bother me as much. It still registers, but I have an easier time taking a step back and saying, "That's not for me."

I am freaked out by the passage of time more than I ever was. I remember vividly bathing my oldest as a newborn and realizing that in a few short years she would be able to do all of these things herself.

And I am tired in my bones.