feeling invisible and forgotten

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 46. I’m in a bad state of mind right now as my mom died across the miles yesterday. I’m a first generation immigrant. When I picked this life, I did not think of end of life of my parents... I only thought about The American Dream. I can’t travel back due to the cost - it makes more sense to give the money to family. Plus I can’t risk getting stuck there due to covid.

No I don’t need I’m sorries... stating facts like this is helpful on its own. Math used to pacify me when I was younger, and now it’s writing anonymously.
In June my 39 year old friend lost her life to cancer.
In July my 43 year old cousin lost his life to a heart attack and left three young kids behind - also across the miles.
I also lost two more of extended family this year.
2020 can’t get any worse I said.
But what do I know?!
I’m not a universe where everything happens how it’s meant to be.
I’m not crazy if that crossed your mind.
All I wanted to say really is that yes life is short. Act based on this fact now and reinvent yourself and do what you love.
Yet — you can’t do that because you need to go on and pay your mortgage and what not.
You just have to keep it together.
It’s not a problem to find some hobby.
The problem is to be an alien wherever you are.

Good post. I feel it.
I am also a first generation immigrant, we came here for my career. I no longer want to be here. I want to be back to my world, where my parents were alive, where my friends were not fighting with metastatic cancer, where my husband was was motivated to work and respected in our community, where I had friends, and friends to talk to... instead of crying now as I write this anonymous post. Covid messed up my life, events messed up my life.... I just want to be happy. But that seems only possible in the past...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 46. I’m in a bad state of mind right now as my mom died across the miles yesterday. I’m a first generation immigrant. When I picked this life, I did not think of end of life of my parents... I only thought about The American Dream. I can’t travel back due to the cost - it makes more sense to give the money to family. Plus I can’t risk getting stuck there due to covid.

No I don’t need I’m sorries... stating facts like this is helpful on its own. Math used to pacify me when I was younger, and now it’s writing anonymously.
In June my 39 year old friend lost her life to cancer.
In July my 43 year old cousin lost his life to a heart attack and left three young kids behind - also across the miles.
I also lost two more of extended family this year.
2020 can’t get any worse I said.
But what do I know?!
I’m not a universe where everything happens how it’s meant to be.
I’m not crazy if that crossed your mind.
All I wanted to say really is that yes life is short. Act based on this fact now and reinvent yourself and do what you love.
Yet — you can’t do that because you need to go on and pay your mortgage and what not.
You just have to keep it together.
It’s not a problem to find some hobby.
The problem is to be an alien wherever you are.

Good post. I feel it.
I am also a first generation immigrant, we came here for my career. I no longer want to be here. I want to be back to my world, where my parents were alive, where my friends were not fighting with metastatic cancer, where my husband was was motivated to work and respected in our community, where I had friends, and friends to talk to... instead of crying now as I write this anonymous post. Covid messed up my life, events messed up my life.... I just want to be happy. But that seems only possible in the past...

You’ll be happy again. I say this as someone who lost my Mom just prior to Covid, I miss her every day. I see a Mother and daughter (50s and 70s) walk daily at a pond I walk around myself and I used to weep inwardly seeing them as my Mom had just died and I envied their time together. Now more than a year+ later I smile when I see them and think fondly of the time I did have with my Mom. Nature and time help. Be well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having a similar experience--watching younger, more ambitious people jump into positions I thought i would have been considered for. I went for a more financially stable job years ago, so I have regular hours and good money, we bought a home and we have everything we need. But now somehow all the STUFF and being out in the suburbs is making me also feel like I'm on some lone island. At the beginning of COVID I was glad to be out of the city, and at times during all the chaos of the last couple months I have wanted to shut it all out. But I also feel like somehow I traded my dreams for a minivan and a garage full of clutter we never use. That Talking Heads song keeps going through my head...this is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife...my god, what have I done!?!

I also have that song on my repeat list. I joke to myself that I should get a bumper sticker for my minivan that says “I exchanged a walk-on role in the war for a lead role in a cage!” It helps to keep my sense of humor. Someone posted a while ago a study finding that, at least for women, happiness is at its lowest point at age 48. So, it’s like basically science. I figure in a few years my hormones will even out, my kids sill either be on a good college tracks or it’ll be clear I should trade their 529 in for a good defense lawyer retainer, and i’ll be ready to just entirely give up on my looks and settle into looking like Miss Marple. I’ve also decided to mentally plan on retiring at 60. If I get to 60 and change my mind, that’s fine, but the idea of having another 20+ years in the workforce is too overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

I am 48. I think you need to get new goals and stop taking the less risk-averse path. While it seems like you know who you are and like your choices- you are now wondering why it seems so ... boring possibly?

I heard Geraldine Ferraro speak once. She said how she started her political career in her 40s. I was astounded. She talked about how she raised her kids in her 30's and put her life on hold a bit. It was quite inspirational to hear how she accomplished so much starting in her 40's.

Personally, at 45, I made all new goals and I make an effort to try to continue to be in the mix. You can rest when you die. I know I am not ready to let these young kids take over. (maybe not young 3o-year-olds).

Think of something that you want to accomplish. You still have a lot of time. In all honesty, you might have another 50 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like your post, OP. I’m 48 and while my feelings aren’t quite the same the thing I’ve been thinking about is just how quickly tune passes. I always thought I would feel “older” when I was older and that would somehow make the numerical age feel more appropriate but I’m finding that 48 year old me is pretty much the same as 16 year old or 28 year old me. it’s weird that the packaging is getting older while the person inside is the same.

I'm the PP.
yes! I don't know how I got to be 48 and yet I still feel the same as when I was younger.

[Anonymous]

It is no fun to feel invisible and forgotten. There must be a few benefits to this miserable state. How about still wanting to look nice but being less concerned with buying expensive clothes and just wanting comfortable ones? This thread made me realize that a hobby, photography, that I took up in my late forties, is a good one for being invisible. A good photographer wants to be an observer not someone being observed. Many writers start later on in life. You don’t have to take up painting, or baking, or yoga or mediation. Once you can embrace being “invisible” some inspiration may come to you like photography came to me. It is not something that I decided to do as a hobby one day. It just started slowly as a way of preserving memories then became something more overtime. An interest in animals could lead to fostering or animal rescue. When you embrace being “invisible” an interest, hobby, passion, or way to be of service will eventually come to you.

[Anonymous]

Dye your hair again. You will like how you look better than with the gray. That itself will be a boost. It sounds very shallow, but it is realistic.