feeling invisible and forgotten

[Anonymous]

Just turned 50. All things considered things are going well in life, have a good job, family, economically secure. But a few things are combining to make me abruptly feel like an "also ran" in the race of life, and like I've somehow dropped behind or dropped out. I don't know if it's just the age, the graying hair (I decided to stop dying after pandemic started), the fact that I stepped out of high-paced roles to work in a more stable job a few years ago and feel completely out of a world i used to be immersed in--and thus have lost all my connections and the whole field seems to be full of people 10 years younger, or maybe just feeling invisible because I literally don't get seen by people since I'm in the house all day. Watching older parents at the end of life also drives home how short the journey is, and, ultimately, everything you have done or been will be forgotten.

Anyone else feeling this? How do you cope? I've tried reading books about reinventing yourself at midlife but they all seem not helpful--I'm not going to run a marathon or get religion or take up painting or leave my husband for a man 15 years younger (although the last is tempting, hmmm....)

I remember I had a teacher who used to describe a mid-life crisis as thinking you were going to Miami but your flight got diverted to Cleveland instead. Frankly, I'm feeling like I'm on the greyhound bus stalled at the side of the freeway....please give your tips for a jumpstart!

[Anonymous]

Writing? Your post was written in an enjoyable to read manner. It’s tough, maybe embrace the more anonymous nature covid provides to learn something that interests you without people having to know. Hunker down and work on it while we are in the Pandemic. Kinda like your own winter in place and have a grand new talent reveal or life goal reached sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a common feeling and you are not alone.

You are in a transition phase - where you are still working but have realized that work isn't everything. You've successfully raised a family and their needs aren't as demanding. Money isn't an issue so there isn't that to worry about.

This psychological state is one that only you have the key for. I may be oversimplifying but I found I needed to find my own joy again. So much of our life is spent caring for others, caring for our career, caring about our bank balance. I needed to start caring about what I wanted again.

Kind of a circle of life thing. I feel this stage of life can be one of the best. It's like being 12 years old but having the freedom and money to do it the way you want to! It doesn't have to be a crisis, it can be an awakening.

Find your joy. Whatever it is. Sometimes it's small things. I never had time to LEARN about a lot of things I was curious about. Now I do. Whether that learning is done via volunteer work, reading or observation (like nature) I enjoy knowing my mind can be used for what I want.

That may not seem very exciting when compared to challenges like child raising, career progression, portfolio building. But it can fill you up in ways you never imagined.

Instead of mourning Miami embrace Cleveland. No matter where you land you can find fulfillment, and surprises.

[Anonymous]

I think most people feel like you at some point and with the pandemic this year it’s just another cloud over your life. You really need to focus on all that is good in your life and realize that you are luckier than probably 95-99% of the people on the planet. Consider getting involved helping people in real need to remind you how lucky you are.

[Anonymous]

It’s interesting - losing beloved family members over the years has helped me see that their lives have value even after they’re gone. I carry them with me and my memories still impact me. They don’t feel “gone.”

It also made me realize how short life is, so I’ve come to appreciate “Cleveland” a bit more — the smaller things that have meaning. But then again, I’ve never been a particularly ambitious person; I’m more “type B”, I guess.

I’m not going to change the world or make a huge mark but I try to focus on the microcosm - connecting with people in small ways, sharing positive, caring energy that might make TGEM feel less isolated, even for a moment. My volume teee work with the elderly has helped nourish that. I do believe in the ripple effect of one small act of kindness.

It will have to do. I do t know if it will change with time, but it helps me now (and I just turned 50, too).

[Anonymous]

^^sorry for typos. *volunteer* work with elderly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s interesting - losing beloved family members over the years has helped me see that their lives have value even after they’re gone. I carry them with me and my memories still impact me. They don’t feel “gone.”

It also made me realize how short life is, so I’ve come to appreciate “Cleveland” a bit more — the smaller things that have meaning. But then again, I’ve never been a particularly ambitious person; I’m more “type B”, I guess.

I’m not going to change the world or make a huge mark but I try to focus on the microcosm - connecting with people in small ways, sharing positive, caring energy that might make TGEM feel less isolated, even for a moment. My volume teee work with the elderly has helped nourish that. I do believe in the ripple effect of one small act of kindness.

It will have to do. I do t know if it will change with time, but it helps me now (and I just turned 50, too).

^^make THEM feel less isolated

[Anonymous]

I'm 54. I just finished reading Vicktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" which I highly recommend. (I read it when younger but decided to pick it up again, as it's short and good). He was a psychiatrist who was successful in preventing teen suicides, but then he was thrown into a Nazi concentration camp. Among the work groups he was in, he observed the often surprising differences in who lived and who died--not always who you would think. He developed a theory based on these experiences and published once he got out.

You are basically asking the questions that he addresses.

I've struggled with the lack of meaning aspect on and off. I have one DC who, for reasons that are not relevant here, occupies a lot of my time. LSS, Friday through Sunday I did not have to deal with DC, and Saturday morning I found myself in a similar funk, because there is a void and I was suddenly rudderless. What will I do with my life when I get some extra time? Am I nothing more that Wife and Mom? (and Cook, Laundress, Dishwasher? etc)

Anyways I had bought one copy from amazon and the type was so small; it was so unfun to read. Here is the version I recommend:
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/0807060100/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you for the thoughtful replies. I will check out the Frankl book and really appreciated the reminder to find my joy. I also am trying to remember to be grateful to be in a moment where we aren't struggling or just barely getting by or fighting a serious illness. Those times will come again and I am sure I will wish like anything I could go back to this relatively quiet period of life.

DH suggested that whenever I feel this way I should put on the "Cleveland Rocks" opening song from the Drew Carey show...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s interesting - losing beloved family members over the years has helped me see that their lives have value even after they’re gone. I carry them with me and my memories still impact me. They don’t feel “gone.”

It also made me realize how short life is, so I’ve come to appreciate “Cleveland” a bit more — the smaller things that have meaning. But then again, I’ve never been a particularly ambitious person; I’m more “type B”, I guess.

I’m not going to change the world or make a huge mark but I try to focus on the microcosm - connecting with people in small ways, sharing positive, caring energy that might make TGEM feel less isolated, even for a moment. My volume teee work with the elderly has helped nourish that. I do believe in the ripple effect of one small act of kindness.

It will have to do. I do t know if it will change with time, but it helps me now (and I just turned 50, too).

This is really helpful to read. I am 47, and a few years ago stepped back from a pretty high visibility job that gave me lots of public affirmation to a very behind the scenes job that is more stable but where I get much less of those pats on the head I so used to love. I've been trying to embrace "Cleveland" - I hadn't thought about it in those terms but it's so helpful to think about like this.

Anyway, I don't want to derail this helpful thread - just wanted to say thank you for helping me put words to what I've been thinking about it.

Also reminds me of this great 30 Rock bit:

[Anonymous]

Why the hate on Cleveland? I despise Miami so I'd go to Cleveland instead in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Also 47 and feeling a bit "unseen" and unappreciated at work and in other facets of life. This thread really resonated for me this week. I've been trying to think of how to feel more like I'm in charge of my life again and spend less time feeling like my life is happening to me. It's challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a common feeling and you are not alone.

You are in a transition phase - where you are still working but have realized that work isn't everything. You've successfully raised a family and their needs aren't as demanding. Money isn't an issue so there isn't that to worry about.

This psychological state is one that only you have the key for. I may be oversimplifying but I found I needed to find my own joy again. So much of our life is spent caring for others, caring for our career, caring about our bank balance. I needed to start caring about what I wanted again.

Kind of a circle of life thing. I feel this stage of life can be one of the best. It's like being 12 years old but having the freedom and money to do it the way you want to! It doesn't have to be a crisis, it can be an awakening.

Find your joy. Whatever it is. Sometimes it's small things. I never had time to LEARN about a lot of things I was curious about. Now I do. Whether that learning is done via volunteer work, reading or observation (like nature) I enjoy knowing my mind can be used for what I want.

That may not seem very exciting when compared to challenges like child raising, career progression, portfolio building. But it can fill you up in ways you never imagined.

Instead of mourning Miami embrace Cleveland. No matter where you land you can find fulfillment, and surprises.

I agree with all this. Very good advice.

Also in 2018 I was bemoaning a similar situation when suddenly a parent (my parent) died and then I was diagnosed with a horrible disease. It all threw my slightly navel-gazing situation into stark perspective.

[Anonymous]

I’m 46. I’m in a bad state of mind right now as my mom died across the miles yesterday. I’m a first generation immigrant. When I picked this life, I did not think of end of life of my parents... I only thought about The American Dream. I can’t travel back due to the cost - it makes more sense to give the money to family. Plus I can’t risk getting stuck there due to covid.

No I don’t need I’m sorries... stating facts like this is helpful on its own. Math used to pacify me when I was younger, and now it’s writing anonymously.
In June my 39 year old friend lost her life to cancer.
In July my 43 year old cousin lost his life to a heart attack and left three young kids behind - also across the miles.
I also lost two more of extended family this year.
2020 can’t get any worse I said.
But what do I know?!
I’m not a universe where everything happens how it’s meant to be.
I’m not crazy if that crossed your mind.
All I wanted to say really is that yes life is short. Act based on this fact now and reinvent yourself and do what you love.
Yet — you can’t do that because you need to go on and pay your mortgage and what not.
You just have to keep it together.
It’s not a problem to find some hobby.
The problem is to be an alien wherever you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 46. I’m in a bad state of mind right now as my mom died across the miles yesterday. I’m a first generation immigrant. When I picked this life, I did not think of end of life of my parents... I only thought about The American Dream. I can’t travel back due to the cost - it makes more sense to give the money to family. Plus I can’t risk getting stuck there due to covid.

No I don’t need I’m sorries... stating facts like this is helpful on its own. Math used to pacify me when I was younger, and now it’s writing anonymously.
In June my 39 year old friend lost her life to cancer.
In July my 43 year old cousin lost his life to a heart attack and left three young kids behind - also across the miles.
I also lost two more of extended family this year.
2020 can’t get any worse I said.
But what do I know?!
I’m not a universe where everything happens how it’s meant to be.
I’m not crazy if that crossed your mind.
All I wanted to say really is that yes life is short. Act based on this fact now and reinvent yourself and do what you love.
Yet — you can’t do that because you need to go on and pay your mortgage and what not.
You just have to keep it together.
It’s not a problem to find some hobby.
The problem is to be an alien wherever you are.

good post