Unrealistic hope for infant adoption?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another adopter here. My daughter is bi-racial. She is now 9 and no issues. She already knows she is going to be an actress and she takes singling and dancing lessons as well as acting.

I was part of a large group of single-mom adopters. Thus far no one has experienced any issues to speak of. The kids we adopted were newborn up to age 8. My little girl was 3 months. Birth-mom changed her mind when she realized her 4th kid (at age 23) was just too much to handle. Birth-dad wanted nothing to do with it and signed off right away.

I don't mean to pick on you, but "adopter" has a bad connotation in the adoptee world (to which I belong). Adopters are spoken of derisively, and usually is said in the context of an abusive or bad parent. Of course, feel free to use whatever language you wish, but I just wanted to let you know.[/quote]


i have never herd of this in the 10 years I have been involved in the adoption world.

1984 has certainly arrived. George Orwell pumping his fist from the grave.

[b]
I’m an adoptee and an adoptive parent. Adopter is definitely used in some adoptee circles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We adopted an infant girl (fully white though) privately, not through an agency. We knew the mother and knew she was drug free, eating organic doing prenatal yoga and taking vitamins - the whole thing.

OP, what you want to aim for is someone who is already a mother, has a couple/few kids and just can't afford or doesn't have the energy for one more but doesn't believe in abortion for herself. That's the woman most likely to be taking care of her body while pregnant.

Also, if you're open to physical disabilities you will get a baby placed with you faster.

Congrats on your baby but this almost never happens. The adoptive parents rarely, as in almost never, choose the child. If they know the mother and it is a situation where a family member or church member is placing their child then maybe, but otherwise, it is the birth mother making these decisions. Please don't put false hope out there.

[Anonymous]

Why do you want to adopt instead of having your own biological children? Is it because if WANT to adopt or because you have some sort of infertility? I only ask this, because if it is the later and you have the financial resources, I would consider surrogacy or donor egg (depending on the problem) - this way there is more control.

But so you know, even when we control for everything, parenting is always a 50% 50% chance and you never really know what you will get. However, if your child has some sort of problem, you at least can take solace that it was not something avoidable (like refraining from alcohol while pregnant).

[Anonymous]

NP here.

I was prepared to have to birth a biological child if need be but thank god I was able to adopt. I am single and the birth-mom picked me. Whew! 11 months start to finish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend worked in adoptions for a few years said 70% of the infants they place have FAS, they suspect the number is higher.

Wow that’s incredible. When you say worked in adoptions, what kind of adoptions? Foster care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend worked in adoptions for a few years said 70% of the infants they place have FAS, they suspect the number is higher.

That would be an extraordinary figure. I think you misunderstood; perhaps she meant exposure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My friend worked in adoptions for a few years said 70% of the infants they place have FAS, they suspect the number is higher.


That would be an extraordinary figure. I think you misunderstood; perhaps she meant exposure.

That definitely sounds correct for exposure. The thing with prenatal alcohol exposure is that it is a spectrum. It is truly a game of Russian roulette---with the severity of the effects completely dependent on the developmental stage of the fetus at the time of consumption. I have heard the statistic that up to 60% of the kids in the foster care system have some degree of prenatal alcohol-exposure issues. As an adoptive parent of older children from that world, that statistic seems correct to me. And it is unfortunate that much more education and training is given to adoptive parents regarding attachment issues and emotional trauma than to identifying and providing early interventions for alcohol-exposed children.

[Anonymous]

We (white) adopted a newborn privately. We just told everyone we knew we wanted to adopt. We spread the word. We adopted in a kind of 3rd degree of Kevin Bacon situation -- friend of a friend of a niece.. etc. Our son is biracial black/white.

Be open to any race and minor health problems. The fewer obstacles the better. Our (white) friends also privately adopted a newborn girl the way we did. They adopted an Asian infant with a cleft palate issue -- the family thought she was bad luck and placed her. Their loss, our friends' win.

[Anonymous]

OP: Does the baby have to be a girl? I don't think you can specify that anymore in domestic adoption. There are so few infants available that you will be relieved you ever get "the call" that one is available.

[Anonymous]

foster and adopted kids bring their problems with them. They are still kids who need a home but the idyllic almost like a normal kid of yours is the exception not the rule. If they didn't have issues they wouldn't need a home, this isn't about you. If you think it should be then you should skip being a parent.

[Anonymous]

This is not about the children; it is about the original parents not being prepared to parent.

Go away, troll. Go far, far away (says my daughter-via-adoption).

[Anonymous]

We have two adopted AA children, one with disclosed exposure to drugs & alcohol in utero. She doesn’t have FAS and honestly while she has had developmental delays all her life (mostly OT and speech therapy) and continues to get services for them, she is such the easier kid to raise/parent. She’s bright, kind and really able to express her feelings of loss. But she’s also just naturally laid back and confident.

Our older child had no exposure issues at all (her birth mom had two other kids at age 20) but has a strong personality, anxiety, ADHD and just feels the loss that comes with adoption so passionately/intensely, but really struggles to express her feelings, which end up bursting out in tantrums. The challenges we have with her are the ones I have expected to see with the kid with alcohol & drug exposure.

(Both kids in therapy.) Anyway, this is to say, personality, which is obviously so unpredictable, goes a long way.

But the PP is right about alcohol exposure. It really depends on when it was in the pregnancy. I have a nephew who has FAS and his mom swears she didn’t drink, but she also didn’t know she was pregnant until month four and she definitely was partying hard those years.

[Anonymous]

FAS is no joke -- you'll never remember those days you drank, but you'll remember that you did it everytime you look at your poor child.

[Anonymous]

OP I know this is an older thread but we adopted a healthy infant AA girl here in MD. We used an agency, she is now 8 and has no FAS or other issues. She is happy, healthy and thriving.
Go for it, and good luck!