Unrealistic hope for infant adoption?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive mom here with lots of friends who adopted; FAS is not a big issue in my social group either.

Just the opposite for me. It’s huge in my social group and my DD is one of the few who does not have it.

In less FAS is severe it would be hard to know as FAS is a checklist of symptoms and facial markers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are white and adopted an AA baby girl. She is now 8 and happy healthy and thriving. We belong to a transracial support group and none of the other kids have FAS. Yes there is risk, but I have 2 friends who gave birth to children with severe disabilities so it can happen that way too. Don’t let your fears get in the way if you truly know this is the way you want a family.

This. You'll probably have an easier change of adopting being bi-racial. Drug exposure is only one risk. I would also be worried about mental health history of bipolar and schizophrenia and other things. Your child birth or adoption can end up with serious issues and some might have been prevented, others not.

To this second poster, do you even have any experience with this, or are you just relying on stereotypes?

I was diagnosed with bipolar well into my 30's, and now I no longer hold on to the negative stereotypes I once did. Get this, zero family history related to this for me. My kid will have maybe a 10% chance of bipolar (that's the percentage chance, for the child of a parent with bipolar). It's related to giftedness and creativity.

You may not be aware, but many highly successful people have it, you just can't tell to look at us.

Bipolar is highly treatable, and in many cases probably preventable, with good sleep hygiene, etc, and being lucky enough to avoid trauma.

As someone with bipolar, I also know more about schizophrenia and feel that those negative stereotypes are also unwarranted.

Just another thought to throw in, I was not adopted, had perfect care in utero, no family mental illness history, and still ended up with bipolar... And still, my life is great, I am content (and also happen to have a career and family life that checks all the boxes for what one can hope to achieve, too).

To OP, I wish you best of luck with building your family through adoption.

Yes, I do have a lot of experience with this. Some bi-polar is treatable if the person is consistent with medications and responds. Not everyone is consistent or responds. I'm glad to hear you are doing well.

[Anonymous]

Another adopter here. My daughter is bi-racial. She is now 9 and no issues. She already knows she is going to be an actress and she takes singling and dancing lessons as well as acting.

I was part of a large group of single-mom adopters. Thus far no one has experienced any issues to speak of. The kids we adopted were newborn up to age 8. My little girl was 3 months. Birth-mom changed her mind when she realized her 4th kid (at age 23) was just too much to handle. Birth-dad wanted nothing to do with it and signed off right away.

[Anonymous]

It helps to remember that there is also risk and unknowns when you give birth.

No guarantees either way. The potential reward is incomparable .

(And you will likely find that you adore whatever child you are blessed with)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are white and adopted an AA baby girl. She is now 8 and happy healthy and thriving. We belong to a transracial support group and none of the other kids have FAS. Yes there is risk, but I have 2 friends who gave birth to children with severe disabilities so it can happen that way too. Don’t let your fears get in the way if you truly know this is the way you want a family.

This. You'll probably have an easier change of adopting being bi-racial. Drug exposure is only one risk. I would also be worried about mental health history of bipolar and schizophrenia and other things. Your child birth or adoption can end up with serious issues and some might have been prevented, others not.

To this second poster, do you even have any experience with this, or are you just relying on stereotypes?

I was diagnosed with bipolar well into my 30's, and now I no longer hold on to the negative stereotypes I once did. Get this, zero family history related to this for me. My kid will have maybe a 10% chance of bipolar (that's the percentage chance, for the child of a parent with bipolar). It's related to giftedness and creativity.

You may not be aware, but many highly successful people have it, you just can't tell to look at us.

Bipolar is highly treatable, and in many cases probably preventable, with good sleep hygiene, etc, and being lucky enough to avoid trauma.

As someone with bipolar, I also know more about schizophrenia and feel that those negative stereotypes are also unwarranted.

Just another thought to throw in, I was not adopted, had perfect care in utero, no family mental illness history, and still ended up with bipolar... And still, my life is great, I am content (and also happen to have a career and family life that checks all the boxes for what one can hope to achieve, too).

To OP, I wish you best of luck with building your family through adoption.

Thank you for sharing that great perspective!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another adopter here. My daughter is bi-racial. She is now 9 and no issues. She already knows she is going to be an actress and she takes singling and dancing lessons as well as acting.

I was part of a large group of single-mom adopters. Thus far no one has experienced any issues to speak of. The kids we adopted were newborn up to age 8. My little girl was 3 months. Birth-mom changed her mind when she realized her 4th kid (at age 23) was just too much to handle. Birth-dad wanted nothing to do with it and signed off right away.

I don't mean to pick on you, but "adopter" has a bad connotation in the adoptee world (to which I belong). Adopters are spoken of derisively, and usually is said in the context of an abusive or bad parent. Of course, feel free to use whatever language you wish, but I just wanted to let you know.

[Anonymous]

This is said with love from a mom who adopted a son who is now a teen - please spend a lot of time looking into and researching the impact of adoption loss and bonding on the child. We went into our adoption being worried about the medical issues or exposures but did not predict the behaviors that we would face as my son became a teen, partially, because of his adoption. It isn’t all kids but many do feel a tremendous loss which manifests itself in disruptive behavior, depression, etc.
good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

This cannot be predicted. I know kids (adopted as infants) who SOB for their birth mothers. And then there is my 20 year old, who has never expressed any questioning or sadness around her birthparents. Despite being given numerous opportunities (and signals) throughout her childhood to bring up such feelings (which were characterized as normal and understandable). She just never exhibited any signs of trauma or sadness around adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I would really like to adopt a baby girl preferably biracial but would also be open to an African-American baby (we are an interracial family). However, I’m really concerned about in utero exposure to drugs and alcohol. And from reading this forum it seems that might be a tall order. Is adoption a viable option for what I’m looking for?

I am more concerned with the fact that you are looking for a girl. Putting aside the impact that girl preference has on international and older child adoptions, it is very hard to make this request in domestic infant adoption. Some expectant mothers don't want to know the sex. Others won't pick adoptive parents who express a preference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is said with love from a mom who adopted a son who is now a teen - please spend a lot of time looking into and researching the impact of adoption loss and bonding on the child. We went into our adoption being worried about the medical issues or exposures but did not predict the behaviors that we would face as my son became a teen, partially, because of his adoption. It isn’t all kids but many do feel a tremendous loss which manifests itself in disruptive behavior, depression, etc.
good luck to you.

Mental health issues can be with all kids and things like depression are often genetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would really like to adopt a baby girl preferably biracial but would also be open to an African-American baby (we are an interracial family). However, I’m really concerned about in utero exposure to drugs and alcohol. And from reading this forum it seems that might be a tall order. Is adoption a viable option for what I’m looking for?

I am more concerned with the fact that you are looking for a girl. Putting aside the impact that girl preference has on international and older child adoptions, it is very hard to make this request in domestic infant adoption. Some expectant mothers don't want to know the sex. Others won't pick adoptive parents who express a preference.

And some agencies do not allow you to specify.

[Anonymous]

We adopted an infant girl (fully white though) privately, not through an agency. We knew the mother and knew she was drug free, eating organic doing prenatal yoga and taking vitamins - the whole thing.

OP, what you want to aim for is someone who is already a mother, has a couple/few kids and just can't afford or doesn't have the energy for one more but doesn't believe in abortion for herself. That's the woman most likely to be taking care of her body while pregnant.

Also, if you're open to physical disabilities you will get a baby placed with you faster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another adopter here. My daughter is bi-racial. She is now 9 and no issues. She already knows she is going to be an actress and she takes singling and dancing lessons as well as acting.

I was part of a large group of single-mom adopters. Thus far no one has experienced any issues to speak of. The kids we adopted were newborn up to age 8. My little girl was 3 months. Birth-mom changed her mind when she realized her 4th kid (at age 23) was just too much to handle. Birth-dad wanted nothing to do with it and signed off right away.

I don't mean to pick on you, but "adopter" has a bad connotation in the adoptee world (to which I belong). Adopters are spoken of derisively, and usually is said in the context of an abusive or bad parent. Of course, feel free to use whatever language you wish, but I just wanted to let you know.[/quote]


i have never herd of this in the 10 years I have been involved in the adoption world.

1984 has certainly arrived. George Orwell pumping his fist from the grave.

[Anonymous]

heard not herd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another adopter here. My daughter is bi-racial. She is now 9 and no issues. She already knows she is going to be an actress and she takes singling and dancing lessons as well as acting.

I was part of a large group of single-mom adopters. Thus far no one has experienced any issues to speak of. The kids we adopted were newborn up to age 8. My little girl was 3 months. Birth-mom changed her mind when she realized her 4th kid (at age 23) was just too much to handle. Birth-dad wanted nothing to do with it and signed off right away.

I don't mean to pick on you, but "adopter" has a bad connotation in the adoptee world (to which I belong). Adopters are spoken of derisively, and usually is said in the context of an abusive or bad parent. Of course, feel free to use whatever language you wish, but I just wanted to let you know.[/quote]


i have never herd of this in the 10 years I have been involved in the adoption world.

1984 has certainly arrived. George Orwell pumping his fist from the grave.

Are you an adoptee? I am. In the adoption groups I am in, many who had bad experiences or are anti-adoption use it. “After my adopters kicked me out, I never spoke to them again.” “My adopters had a white savior complex.” “Adopters shouldn’t be able to steal women’s babies.”

You wouldn’t have heard of it as an adoptive parent. I know because I am also an adoptive parent and a member of several adoptive families groups.