If you have allowed a family member to borrow money

[Anonymous]

borrowed $$$$ from my brother and returned within agreed timeline and bought him an expensive thank you gift that he selected.

lent $$ to SIL only up to an amount we could part with without feeling resentment, she never paid back, at one point she promised to pay when she moves and sells her house, she moved, but never paid $, it is never mentioned anymore, like it never happened; we have an ok relationship with her, we knew she would not pay back. In a way, it is a good thing because she has not asked to borrow $$ again; I am sure she would like to, but she has conscience...

[Anonymous]

My husband and I give, we never loan. Many reasons for doing that but two are the most important. Love and we care. Family wouldn't ask if they were not in need. We regularly give to our son and DIL, our other son, my sister, my BIL, grandson. Deep in my heart I know they had to work up the courage to ask and probably could not pay it back.

I work the numbers, show my husband then give. It makes us feel good to be able to help them. We are here to help. We feel the statement your brother's keeper means just what it says. As long as we have money to cover things we will help. Outright giving eliminates their anxiety, gives them the breathing room and the lifeline they desperately need. Love is our guiding light.

[Anonymous]

We live quite frugally for the HHI. We have given gifts to my brother because he has had some hardships and bad luck. I give because he is an amazing person and he does a lot for all of us. He does not charge us any money for it but he should. Anyways, I love him and his family and they are deserving of all help. He will give me everything he has if I asked for it,

DH gave 100K to a friend and 6K to a relative without any paper work, After many years I made a stink and the money was returned. However, the money was returned reluctantly and with lot of ill feelings. I realized never to give a loan to anybody because that spoils relationships. It is better to give gift and be done with it. The interesting thing was that when we loaned the money we were told of the financial hardship these people were going through, but when they had money they were blowing it on luxuries instead of paying us back.

We were lucky because all of this money came back to us in Feb. Before COVID. So it became our emergency fund. All I can say is that people are assholes. When they have to return the money they mind it because they feel that they are giving their money not returning your money.

A person who had to borrow money from you in the first place for basic needs (home, mortgage, medical, food) will probably never be in a financial place to return it to you.

[Anonymous]

We give gifts once. If they repay it, then it was a loan, and we are happy to give them a gift next time. If they never repaid the gift, then that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Lend the money and do not gift. If they do not pay it back, you have an excuse to refuse another loan request later on. If you say it's a gift, it's harder to say no to a loan request at a later time.

[Anonymous]

Consider it a gift and be pleasantly surprised if you get it back. That said, the PP who mentioned "chronic money issues" should clarify.

Ex: A parent who has a heart attack during college and is then illegally laid off [verified] during an economic recession/depression and the hospital bills destroy their savings and they struggle to maintain their mortgage, car, or child's public, state university. Child is straight A student who got plenty of scholarships but not enough to cover col + tuition and is already working two jobs along with full-time school. They also take great care of their car and it was bad luck (like black ice) What do you do? Are you really going to begrudge helping them stay in the house or finish a final semester or two of school if you have the money and it would in no way jeopardize your finances?

This may be "chronic" as in, not immediately resolvable without a significant influx. But nobody in their right mind would compare this to a drug issue or partying or mental health issues vs just bad timing and bad luck. Items or loans aren't for MLM nonsense or a new boat or whatever.

Are you willing to harm your relationship by holding a grudge over a small amount of money? Are they maliciously screwing you over? That matters.

Are you treating them like a slave or so badly they have to cut you off because you are insane-this is 100% aimed at people who believe others should be their lifelong slaves for offering to cover their meal at dinner logic-so they go no contact rather than deal with you anymore? That's really on you, in that case. Because you're crazy.

Normally, for us it's a 0% interest system of loans and if they are off by a month or two because they are covering something more important, no worries. Or if they aren't paid back, np. Don't lend money you can't afford to not see again.

It's different for people who are more than able to pay for their own things and then consistently don't pay, like BIL's family on our cell plan because we get a great discount. SO won't kick them off but has to remind them every month. They make well over 150k in a low COL area and should pay on time or get their own plan.

Sometimes, if my family isn't able to pay back in cash, then sometimes it is in the form of house or pet or child sitting but they would have done that anyway because that is what family does! No hard feelings.

A rising tide lifts all boats, assuming family is important to you and neither of you are abusive and manipulative about it.

[Anonymous]

I gave it as a gift but she paid back. Every penny.

[Anonymous]

I only give money to family with no expectation of ever getting it back. So it's more of a gift than a loan. I feel like people who need to borrow money don't have the means to ever pay it back.

[Anonymous]

I've given my sister money but I never expected it back so I made it clear it was a give. Other than that no, I'm not handing out money.

[Anonymous]

Gave some to a sibling in need. Framed it as a gift, though sibling sore they would repay it. I didn’t expect a payback, but getting one or least an effort made would have been nice. But that never happened. I’m ok with it though.