Parents of highly motivated kids, what do you think causes them to be driven?

[Anonymous]

Almost a hundred percent genetics. Anyone with more then one child or from a larger family can see this.

They grow into the person they were born to be. You can guide and reinforce and try to sabotage really bad choices, but you have to work with what is god given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almost a hundred percent genetics. Anyone with more then one child or from a larger family can see this.

They grow into the person they were born to be. You can guide and reinforce and try to sabotage really bad choices, but you have to work with what is god given.

I agree. DH and I are huge over-achievers. Our oldest DS has ADHD and it's like pulling teeth to get him to apply himself at anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an overachiever in one specific domain (athletics). It is because he loves it, plain and simple. I don't think it had much to do with us. We told our kids early on that we had no interest in pushing them to play, so if they wanted to excel, it was on them. One of our kids stayed with rec level, but the overachiever just continually pushed and still pushes himself. He practices by himself for hours. I honestly think practicing calms his mind. He gets into some sort of zen zone.

I have literally never felt zen or calm about athletics in my life and do my daily exercise out of obligation only but I see it with him. I am a little jealous to be honest, would make my daily slog more enjoyable.

Ha! I have also frequently thought about how very fit id be if I loved any exercise as much as DD loves running or DS loves soccer. Both those kids (my older two) are highly motivated to succeed academically as well, and I agree it’s primarily a genetic trait, though a similar peer group plays a role. In my older DS’s case, he was very focused on getting into a top academic school that had a great soccer program. He has never shown much interest in any of the subjects he’s studied—rigorous classes and good grades are a means to an end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OCD from her fathers side combined with anxiety from mine. A teacher commented that the standards she holds herself to cannot be easy. I agree and it is something we are subtly working on.

I was going to say anxiety. My DS has such high expectations for himself and it is anxiety based. It makes me sad to see him so hard on himself.

I have one of these too. I hate the struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most are people pleasers by nature. Some of that is innate. Some of it is nurtured.

I'm a people pleaser by nature. My mom wouldn't have cared if I had gotten lower grades but I would've cared. My older brother was the slacker. He was the "What's the difference between a B and a C? They're right next to each other in the alphabet." My son is the EXACT same way. He'll say things like "Will this matter in 5 years?" Lol. I think he must have read the back covers of some of my self-help books.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are older and accomplished. We encouraged/pushed them when they were younger but as they get older, it just became part of who they are

[Anonymous]

My husband and I, now retired, were both high achievers academically and career wise but family always came first. We didn’t push our kids but I think we did a good job modeling achieving good things in life. They are all successful and happy so we must have done something right. My husband loved all sports but our kids never really did but he didn’t try to push them and he just let them find their own passions. I think that was very healthy though I know he would love to have had a sports buddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work with kids and agree that often the “driven” personality trait is just the outward manifestation of anxiety. Perfectionism and fear of failure can be very motivating.

For a while. Then you grow up, wonder why you are stressed and anxious all the time, go to therapy, realize it's because you live in constant fear that if you are not perfect or make a mistake, you are not worthy of love. Then you have to work through that, and in the process it can become very hard to motivate. Overcoming perfectionism is paralyzing. It took me over a decade. I really wish I'd learned it when I was young and could have created better patterns and coping skills for myself. I really worry about all these high achieving teenagers I see, worried about their resumes and getting perfect grades in 10 APs while playing a varsity sport and two other activities and volunteer work. That might get them into a great college but it will backfire eventually.

How could your parents have parented you differently? What would have helped?

They only paid attention to me when I was excelling. If I got a B or was cast in a supporting role in a play, they didn't criticize, they just didn't care. I remember going to an awards dinner my junior year of high school. I received several awards, including one for a paper I'd written that won a statewide prize with scholarship money. But my grades had slipped that year, as my brother had had a serious mental health crisis the previous summer and I was really struggling with it. So I did not make honor roll. As we left the dinner, my father said nothing to me about the awards I had won, not a "good job" or "I'm proud of you." But he did say "Why didn't you make honor roll? That was embarrassing." That was over 20 years ago and I feel a twinge of shame thinking about it. And my parents never talked to me about how what was going on with my brother was affecting me. I don't think they even thought about it as having anything to do with me. So I felt guilty for having a hard time with it.

Everyone struggles. Everyone fails. These are normal and natural parts of life. You have to teach your kids that it's okay and that it won't impact how much you love them or even how proud you are of them. You can celebrate their success, but don't ONLY celebrate their success. It might motivate them to succeed more, but it will deprive them of basic coping skills for dealing with the inevitable disappointments in life. Make sure your kids know you love them no matter what, take an interest in their lives, even the parts you can't brag about to friends, and offer support and guidance for all aspects of life, not just "achievements."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Almost a hundred percent genetics. Anyone with more then one child or from a larger family can see this.

They grow into the person they were born to be. You can guide and reinforce and try to sabotage really bad choices, but you have to work with what is god given.

I agree. DH and I are huge over-achievers. Our oldest DS has ADHD and it's like pulling teeth to get him to apply himself at anything.

Same situation here. As my son has gotten older, I have seen him get excited (and this is a BIG deal for a 15 yr old) about a few things. He doesn't talk much anymore but he told me all about how he is interested in writing stories for video games. I know. Most boys love gaming but he is particularly interested in writing for them. I haven't seen him that excited about anything since he was little. He is also very excited that he got to choose an elective that he is interested in- graphic design. Pretty much everything else is like pulling teeth except for these few things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overachiever in one specific domain (athletics). It is because he loves it, plain and simple. I don't think it had much to do with us. We told our kids early on that we had no interest in pushing them to play, so if they wanted to excel, it was on them. One of our kids stayed with rec level, but the overachiever just continually pushed and still pushes himself. He practices by himself for hours. I honestly think practicing calms his mind. He gets into some sort of zen zone.

I have literally never felt zen or calm about athletics in my life and do my daily exercise out of obligation only but I see it with him. I am a little jealous to be honest, would make my daily slog more enjoyable.

Ha! I have also frequently thought about how very fit id be if I loved any exercise as much as DD loves running or DS loves soccer. Both those kids (my older two) are highly motivated to succeed academically as well, and I agree it’s primarily a genetic trait, though a similar peer group plays a role. In my older DS’s case, he was very focused on getting into a top academic school that had a great soccer program. He has never shown much interest in any of the subjects he’s studied—rigorous classes and good grades are a means to an end.

PP here. I would look amazing if I loved athletics the way DS does! I do it daily but there are about a million things I would rather be doing. Sigh.

My DS never cared about school and had mediocre grades until he realized a good GPA and rigorous classes would help him get on the D1 team he wants to join, now he has excellent grades. But it is all just so he can play his sport and hopefully become professional. He does well in school only for athletics.

It's interesting to me because I have never been that single-minded in my life. I meandered a lot more. Don't know where it came from, goodness knows I am hardly an athletic role model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overachiever in one specific domain (athletics). It is because he loves it, plain and simple. I don't think it had much to do with us. We told our kids early on that we had no interest in pushing them to play, so if they wanted to excel, it was on them. One of our kids stayed with rec level, but the overachiever just continually pushed and still pushes himself. He practices by himself for hours. I honestly think practicing calms his mind. He gets into some sort of zen zone.

I have literally never felt zen or calm about athletics in my life and do my daily exercise out of obligation only but I see it with him. I am a little jealous to be honest, would make my daily slog more enjoyable.

Ha! I have also frequently thought about how very fit id be if I loved any exercise as much as DD loves running or DS loves soccer. Both those kids (my older two) are highly motivated to succeed academically as well, and I agree it’s primarily a genetic trait, though a similar peer group plays a role. In my older DS’s case, he was very focused on getting into a top academic school that had a great soccer program. He has never shown much interest in any of the subjects he’s studied—rigorous classes and good grades are a means to an end.

PP here. I would look amazing if I loved athletics the way DS does! I do it daily but there are about a million things I would rather be doing. Sigh.

My DS never cared about school and had mediocre grades until he realized a good GPA and rigorous classes would help him get on the D1 team he wants to join, now he has excellent grades. But it is all just so he can play his sport and hopefully become professional. He does well in school only for athletics.

It's interesting to me because I have never been that single-minded in my life. I meandered a lot more. Don't know where it came from, goodness knows I am hardly an athletic role model.

In early MS we weren’t having much luck trying to convince DS that it was worth the work to get As instead of Bs. An older kid at his club who was incredibly talented but not a great student told DS he’d have a lot of D1 options if he had top grades, and that was all it took. I’m still very grateful to that kid! Good luck to your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Almost a hundred percent genetics. Anyone with more then one child or from a larger family can see this.

They grow into the person they were born to be. You can guide and reinforce and try to sabotage really bad choices, but you have to work with what is god given.

I agree. DH and I are huge over-achievers. Our oldest DS has ADHD and it's like pulling teeth to get him to apply himself at anything.

NP. Some kids with ADHD are highly motivated, too. Michael Phelps and Richard Branson both have it, for example.

[Anonymous]

For me, it was people pleaser tendencies, redshirting, home prep (everything in school was easy after that), and generally being miserable about who I was. I lived in a hoarded house, considered myself unattractive, and thought good grades would get me out of squalor (which they did).
Once I was done with college and more or less on track jobwise, I stopped being motivated, lol. Having a roof over my head and food to eat and a bit extra for pleasure is all I need really.
My ex was never good in school but he loved computers and learned how to code and dropped out of school. He then finished college just to get that degree, much later in life. He is much more successful than I am now, works in Silicon Valley and all that.
Our son is not driven in anything except maybe videogames, lol. He is interested in some things, but he doesn't really push himself ever. I think he is comfortable in life and doesn't see the need, plus is afraid of failure. I am actually sad he is so complacent, but I hope if he finds what he loves and does it willingly he will at least not be destitute and will enjoy life.

[Anonymous]

I was a driven kid. It was feeling that I had to perform to be accepted. There was no such thing as unconditional love in our home. Children literally have to be accepted in their social structure to survive, so you can put almost any condition on your attention/love/care and they will do what they can to meet it.

Don't recommend that approach. Leads to some messed up long-term coping skill, expectations, and relationships when someone equates performing well/being motivated with self-worth and being deserving of love and compassion.

Basically, you never know what neuroses those kids are developing that drive really socially-praised behavior, but come home to roost later in life when the double-edged sword cuts the other way.

[Anonymous]

I think it is genetics and parental influence to begin with. I also think that there is an intrinsic pleasure/reward that you get when you excel/win, and that is a big motivator for my children. They like being recognized at school and by their teachers as being brightest and high achievers. Last but not the least is passion for what they excel in.