Reply to Parents of highly motivated kids, what do you think causes them to be driven?

Forum Index » General Parenting Discussion

Reply to "Parents of highly motivated kids, what do you think causes them to be driven? "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I work with kids and agree that often the “driven” personality trait is just the outward manifestation of anxiety.  Perfectionism and fear of failure can be very motivating.[/quote]

For a while. Then you grow up, wonder why you are stressed and anxious all the time, go to therapy, realize it's because you live in constant fear that if you are not perfect or make a mistake, you are not worthy of love. Then you have to work through that, and in the process it can become very hard to motivate. Overcoming perfectionism is paralyzing. It took me over a decade. I [b]really wish I'd learned it when I was young [/b]and could have created better patterns and coping skills for myself. I really worry about all these high achieving teenagers I see, worried about their resumes and getting perfect grades in 10 APs while playing a varsity sport and two other activities and volunteer work. That might get them into a great college but it will backfire eventually.[/quote]

How could your parents have parented you differently? What would have helped? [/quote]

They only paid attention to me when I was excelling. If I got a B or was cast in a supporting role in a play, they didn't criticize, they just didn't care. I remember going to an awards dinner my junior year of high school. I received several awards, including one for a paper I'd written that won a statewide prize with scholarship money. But my grades had slipped that year, as my brother had had a serious mental health crisis the previous summer and I was really struggling with it. So I did not make honor roll. As we left the dinner, my father said nothing to me about the awards I had won, not a "good job" or "I'm proud of you." But he did say "Why didn't you make honor roll? That was embarrassing." That was over 20 years ago and I feel a twinge of shame thinking about it. And my parents never talked to me about how what was going on with my brother was affecting me. I don't think they even thought about it as having anything to do with me. So I felt guilty for having a hard time with it.

Everyone struggles. Everyone fails. These are normal and natural parts of life. You have to teach your kids that it's okay and that it won't impact how much you love them or even how proud you are of them. You can celebrate their success, but don't ONLY celebrate their success. It might motivate them to succeed more, but it will deprive them of basic coping skills for dealing with the inevitable disappointments in life. Make sure your kids know you love them no matter what, take an interest in their lives, even the parts you can't brag about to friends, and offer support and guidance for all aspects of life, not just "achievements."[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics