My husband is such a condescending ass

[Anonymous]

I agree with him. It’s a toe. Nothing you can do. You don’t need to discuss it with him as you know he’s an a$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is your tone of voice when you interact with him? I don’t think you deserve his attitude no matter what it is, but did you snap at him when telling him to clean your wet kid? Or did you ask him nicely? Do you treat him like a partner or like someone you order around and are constantly disappointed in?

Have you sat him down to tell him that the way he speaks to you makes you feel bad? Use “I feel” sentences because everything in a relationship is subjective.

Do you think he’s cheating?

+1

He could be behaving this way because he is just a d*ck. OR he might be behaving this way due to feeling resentful about something you are doing or some way you are behaving. It’s worth exploring before you decide you want a divorce!!

I say this as a DW who was able to make headway with my condescending, know it all DH when I started respecting him more across the board. He was then much more open to me gently pointing out times he was being a bit ridiculous (mine likes to contradict doctors too).

Male egos are quite fragile. Just act fake, they’ll love it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is your tone of voice when you interact with him? I don’t think you deserve his attitude no matter what it is, but did you snap at him when telling him to clean your wet kid? Or did you ask him nicely? Do you treat him like a partner or like someone you order around and are constantly disappointed in?

Have you sat him down to tell him that the way he speaks to you makes you feel bad? Use “I feel” sentences because everything in a relationship is subjective.

Do you think he’s cheating?

+1

He could be behaving this way because he is just a d*ck. OR he might be behaving this way due to feeling resentful about something you are doing or some way you are behaving. It’s worth exploring before you decide you want a divorce!!

I say this as a DW who was able to make headway with my condescending, know it all DH when I started respecting him more across the board. He was then much more open to me gently pointing out times he was being a bit ridiculous (mine likes to contradict doctors too).

This is brilliant insight. He may feel a need to be admired. And by rejecting his know it all ways constantly he feels devalued. So make good eye contact and listen to him and nod and say that seems like an insightful idea honey! Then basically ignore his suggestions. But coddle him s but. Won’t cost you a penny.

Brilliant PP.

[Anonymous]

Agree that make egos are very fragile. Try finding someone else to talk to or kick husband to the curb if you can afford to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is your tone of voice when you interact with him? I don’t think you deserve his attitude no matter what it is, but did you snap at him when telling him to clean your wet kid? Or did you ask him nicely? Do you treat him like a partner or like someone you order around and are constantly disappointed in?

Have you sat him down to tell him that the way he speaks to you makes you feel bad? Use “I feel” sentences because everything in a relationship is subjective.

Do you think he’s cheating?

+1

He could be behaving this way because he is just a d*ck. OR he might be behaving this way due to feeling resentful about something you are doing or some way you are behaving. It’s worth exploring before you decide you want a divorce!!

I say this as a DW who was able to make headway with my condescending, know it all DH when I started respecting him more across the board. He was then much more open to me gently pointing out times he was being a bit ridiculous (mine likes to contradict doctors too).

This is brilliant insight. He may feel a need to be admired. And by rejecting his know it all ways constantly he feels devalued. So make good eye contact and listen to him and nod and say that seems like an insightful idea honey! Then basically ignore his suggestions. But coddle him s but. Won’t cost you a penny.

Brilliant PP.

+100. Wonder if this would work well.

[Anonymous]

I love when the Focus on the Family crew chimes in. Don't forget to curl your hair and look at him adoringly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love when the Focus on the Family crew chimes in. Don't forget to curl your hair and look at him adoringly.

The “What a man” approach worked well in our dysfunctional house. He continued his “intense” workaholic ways, and got smiles and “Way to go” on all his work updates (the only things he’s able to lecture, I mean talk about), and then we all fished when he found a convenient 30 minutes to goof around with the kids. What a guy. He graced us with his presence today!

[Anonymous]

The “What a man” approach worked well in our dysfunctional house.

He continued his “intense” workaholic ways, and got smiles and “Way to go” on all his work updates (the only things he’s able to lecture, I mean talk about), and then we all fished when he found a convenient 30 minutes to goof around with the kids. What a guy. He graced us with his presence today!

[Anonymous]

Oh and I changed my inner monologue from What an Idiot to, There goes my arm candy.

[Anonymous]

For me, the condescending "calm down" came 6 weeks after he started working with a divorce lawyer. But the eye rolling and the discounting of legitimate medical problems came even earlier. (You complain so much more than you used to, he said.) He waited though until I did Thanksgiving and Christmas for his family before letting me know. His lawyer then says that he can't share custody with me because I'm too "hysterical." He demands a mental health evaluation of my fitness to parent. Even though I continue to do 95% of the parenting. At one point I had 3 lawyers working on the custody trial. He says he has witnesses that can testify that I'm a bad mother. These witnesses never materialized, but I still have nightmares about it. Just my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, the condescending "calm down" came 6 weeks after he started working with a divorce lawyer. But the eye rolling and the discounting of legitimate medical problems came even earlier. (You complain so much more than you used to, he said.) He waited though until I did Thanksgiving and Christmas for his family before letting me know. His lawyer then says that he can't share custody with me because I'm too "hysterical." He demands a mental health evaluation of my fitness to parent. Even though I continue to do 95% of the parenting. At one point I had 3 lawyers working on the custody trial. He says he has witnesses that can testify that I'm a bad mother. These witnesses never materialized, but I still have nightmares about it. Just my experience.

What a selfish delusional @$$, good riddance. Do you still have to coparent with him? How much? 80/20 you/him?

[Anonymous]

Life is to short to spend it with assholes like that, OP. This will not get better. Sure, you want to try to make it work for your child, but this will not get better. You are just prolonging the inevitable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I communicate with disdain as well, even though I hate it. I have low self esteem and also my parents communicated that way as well. It is a very difficult habit to break and does not necessarily reflect underlying feelings about you.

NP, but this thread has got me curious.

If you don't mind answering - do you make more money than your spouse or are you considered high income?

The reason I'm asking...my theory is that people do this when they have "hand" - they are the primary/sole breadwinner or they are well-off and the partner significantly less so. So the disdainer does it to people they think they can "control" - whether relationship wise or work wise.

I have a reason for my theory - and I know that there are degrees of this in every circle, but just in my own observations it's tends to be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is to short to spend it with assholes like that, OP. This will not get better. Sure, you want to try to make it work for your child, but this will not get better. You are just prolonging the inevitable.

Listen to this person above. She knows what she is talking about.

Also yes to the person who said when asshole makes more money then the assholeness goes into full effect. This is probably very true because I notice the very severe assholes tend to marry people that make much less than them or stay at home.

In addition, I am sorry you got caught up with this asshole. I hope that you can someday be asshole free.

[Anonymous]

I've been there and divorced him but a word of caution: we tried counseling and continued it for five years with no change in the dynamic. he is now married to someone who he can't push around like he could me.
Try going to counseling for yourself, and find out why you are allowing that behavior from him. You are surely telegraphing to him that you don't like it, but he doesn't change his behavior, so the problem lies with how you are communicating.
Looking back, I wish I had skipped marriage counseling and worked on myself and my own assertiveness and confidence.