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[quote=Anonymous]There was a thread about spouses and expectations a few years ago which really helped me change my marriage. I said "spouses", but it was really all about husbands.

Basically, it's do the things that are important to you and drop any expectation that your partner will do anything you ask. He will only do the things that are important to him. Men already act this way, so it was just aligning my expectations with his.

I value kids' extracurricular activities, so I research, pay & shuttle kids to their sports & activities. DH wanted our teen to see a tutor for a subject and I didn't really care, so he booked the tutor, took him to the lessons and arranged payment. I didn't lift a finger to facilitate this.

DH likes a clean house - sometimes. Sometimes he can live with low-level filth for weeks on end. He may have a burst of energy and clean the whole place top to bottom. His cleaning schedule doesn't align with mine. So I do what's important to me when I want it done. No arbitrary schedules of what needs to be clean on which days. We both recognize that we need to have the house clean for certain events, houseguests, etc. But, day to day chore wars have ceased because I dropped the rope.

Here's how I would have approached the Toilet Paper Incident that PP described. If we were down to 0 rolls of TP, I would have gotten a single roll out of the package and taken it into the bathroom. If I really wanted that package put away the way I like, I would have done it myself with no resentment. If I didn't care that the TP sat there for another week (or 2), I would have left it for him to deal with.

I pay all the bills and plan all the trips. This is because I get a certain satisfaction and sense of pride in having the money to take care of myself & our family. I also enjoy taking trips. I do it for myself and enjoy them immensely. I plan the agenda (with some input from the family) but I get all the credit and 100% of the enjoyment. No regrets on owning these areas of our lives. Do I wish he'd plan an outing? Maybe I used to, but now I'm glad that he earns the money for me to spend on what makes me happy. And honestly, he's very appreciative of my bill paying & trip planning.[/quote]

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