Struggling with DS17 and video games

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People engaged in competitive games, whether its on a field, in a ping pong room, tennis court or video arcade, heck even a Monopoly game in our house, get loud when the action gets exciting.

Don't attack the activity, but focus on the setting. He's playing an indoor game in a shared space, so he needs to recognize that, exciting as it may be, his game play will bleed into other people's space. His activities are important to him, but everyone else has needs too, and in shared living quarters, everyone has to compromise a bit. So you discuss it, figure out where needs will conflict (bed time, movie watching, and WFH office hours), and come up with workable solutions together (even though you likely already have the end game in mind, his input matters given his age).

Thanks - and I did ask. Right now, he feels like any compromise/reduction of playing time is unfair - and hasn't yet come to me with proposed solutions.

I'm about to set him up in the garage, even though I know that ultimately doesn't send the right message/teach the right lesson.

The goal isn’t reduction of game play but reduction of noise, right? You may be sending mixed messages: don’t be so loud, and those games are stupid anyway! If so, he is totally going to dog in and not give an inch.

I think the garage is a great compromise. Why not? You said the sound was the problem, and if he can’t control himself and act like a civilized family member he gets banished to the garage. You make your point, you get a quiet house. Win win, no? Unless your actual goal is to get your son to comply with your control, and not just to find a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So happy to hear this tough love. The hard part for me is it’s either hearing the yelling at the TV or the yelling at me because it’s off.

I'm ok with him expressing frustration, even if it's momentarily directed at me and as long as it's not completely disrespectful. In fact I'd rather him learn to express his frustration and handle it, instead of learn that he can bully someone into giving him his way because he's being a jerk. And at least it doesn't go on for hours on end, like yelling at the video game.

What I'm not okay with is this sense that it's ok to run to his mother's and hide from conflict. I don't believe that is instilling good coping skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the posts here, it sounds as if the problem is not video games. The problem is that your son is being loud and obnoxious. Solve that problem.

He IS being loud and obnoxious - when he plays the video game. Generally, he is otherwise pretty quiet and respectful. Admittedly, he has his moments - but he is a teen after all.

Any suggestion on how to solve the loud and obnoxious?

I think it depends on how obnoxious you are talking. Sounding irritated but attempting to comply is completely different than outright refusal, saying hurtful/rude things.

It's loud and obnoxious to be yelling at your video game for hours on end, whilst others are trying to concentrate/relax/sleep. It's obnoxious to not be able to see others' ponts of view, and think that they have to do all of the compromising. It shows a lack of empathy and respect - which is unexpected from him. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's personality, maybe it's being stuck inside. Maybe it's all of it.

But it's driving me crazy and I need to find a workable solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People engaged in competitive games, whether its on a field, in a ping pong room, tennis court or video arcade, heck even a Monopoly game in our house, get loud when the action gets exciting.

Don't attack the activity, but focus on the setting. He's playing an indoor game in a shared space, so he needs to recognize that, exciting as it may be, his game play will bleed into other people's space. His activities are important to him, but everyone else has needs too, and in shared living quarters, everyone has to compromise a bit. So you discuss it, figure out where needs will conflict (bed time, movie watching, and WFH office hours), and come up with workable solutions together (even though you likely already have the end game in mind, his input matters given his age).

Thanks - and I did ask. Right now, he feels like any compromise/reduction of playing time is unfair - and hasn't yet come to me with proposed solutions.

I'm about to set him up in the garage, even though I know that ultimately doesn't send the right message/teach the right lesson.

The goal isn’t reduction of game play but reduction of noise, right? You may be sending mixed messages: don’t be so loud, and those games are stupid anyway! If so, he is totally going to dog in and not give an inch.

I think the garage is a great compromise. Why not? You said the sound was the problem, and if he can’t control himself and act like a civilized family member he gets banished to the garage. You make your point, you get a quiet house. Win win, no? Unless your actual goal is to get your son to comply with your control, and not just to find a solution.

No, I don't need him to comply with my control. I do want him to strengthen coping/empathetic/respect skills - none of which I see him exhibiting at the moment.

I feel like moving him to the garage just gives him what he wants - the ability to game nonstop, all day long, while he is in my house. I don't know if that works for me. Shouldn't there be some limits on this?

[Anonymous]

I think you think too much OP.

[Anonymous]

We're 4 people in a 1200 sq ft, ricketty old house with doors that can't close and an open living and working area.

We all respect each other's space. If someone is too loud, they are told off by the other 3. No one is allowed to make noise after 9 pm, my 10 year old daughter's bedtime.

My 15 year old doesn't stay up too late playing video games, and he understands silence is the order. I do remind him to not tread so loudly on our ricketty stairs when he goes to bed!
He's not stupid and knows not to socialize with friends in real life.

I would read him the riot act and shame him, OP. No more video games if he can't control himself (and no money, car keys or cell phone, either).